Not even sure what I’m doing here

Rocketman77 · ‎10-03-2018

Hi,

I am not sure if I am writing about anxiety, depression, victims or perpetrators, relationships or families but it is fair to say that all of this for me feels absolutely out of control at the moment.

My partner has been suffering from depression and anxiety for many years, effectively since the birth of our first child. I have never understood the complexities of this but I have always thought that I had done my best to support her even when I did not agree with the course of action she was taking but felt that I had to support what her professional advice had come up with or her interpretation of that at least. This is something I have continually supported her in but have never agreed with. Along the journey I have found things difficult and not dealt with this well at all. I have withdrawn from almost any external activities apart from her and the kids and I can not remember doing anything without her in the last 15 years. We have had our issues over the years as well and recently her state of mind has declined further, and things in general have seemed out of control, not just for her as they have been of late but for me as well. I thought that we were living this recent craziness together but now I realise that we were clearly not.

I almost feel as though some of what has happened has been manufactured to push me away and now that this has happened I find myself so frightened, and barely functioning. I am scared about where I am and I have no one to talk to at all which is just so much clearer now. I’ve never really had friends outside of our relationship and now I can not reach out to anyone because of this. I am on the verge of tears all day and night and I just feel like there is nothing I can do. I am losing my family, my love, my place in this world and I don’t know what to do. I am creating the broken family for my kids that I had so desperately wanted to avoid and I am just so scared.

I have no strength at all, I don’t think I ever have had. I wish I had been stronger with my partner to force some counselling as I know this would have helped but I let myself get dragged into the denial and the drinking and what I now know is a false reality where things are ok. Things are not ok and I fear that they will never be ok on any level right now.

so I don’t know if I should be reading the depression forums, the relationship forums, the family forums or the anxiety forums. I guess that is about right for me right now.

demonblaster · ‎10-03-2018

Hi Rocketman77 welcome

Ahh you sound so sad I'm sorry to hear of your distress.

You mentioned you wish you'd got her to counselling do you feel you could both benefit going together, you're both struggling it could help get an understanding of eachothers pain.

It's common for couples after long periods of time to spend with eachother and not so much with others. Do you talk with eachother about how you're both feeling, communications important and helps with understanding and to be able to support eachother

Wondering could your gf be suffering post natal depression do you think?

Anytime you want to talk please do here, also if you want to voice talk to a trained caring person from BB the no's..

1300 224636 ...24/7

Well done for reaching out ☺

Would be hapoy to hear how you go

smallwolf · ‎11-03-2018

Welcome.

The first step is always the hardest. You are brave to have come here looking for help and please know that this is a safe place for you.

I am going to pick up on something in your last paragraph about not knowing where to post. Don't worry about that. The moderators here can work that one out. I started with a post in the introduction, and after a couple of posts ended up in the self -harm section. The view was backed up by my psych who regarded me as also severely depressed and suicidal.

Which leads me into the next point... Have you spoken to a GP about your situation? Or do you receive any counselling? Speaking honestly to a third party can be helpful - at least for me. And you also might get peace of mind knowing what you feel is real, and help is available.

Please know that you are not alone. When I told those close to me about what I was going through I then found out who else was on anti depressants etc. Again, MH is not a topic that is discussed much. People here will listen and respond to your questions. Stay strong.

Rocketman77 · ‎12-03-2018

Hi demonblaster, and also Smallwolf,

Thank you both for your comments, She has had some counselling sessions but they have dealt with historical things more so than current issues. I had asked to have couples counselling some time back but it never happened. I be;i eve if this had of happened then maybe things would not have finally broke. It is clear that she does not want that now , I have asked and she refuses to go there, and I feel that things are so far out of my control that it no longer matters.

Yes I have made an appointment to see my GP after talking to a help line but I don’t see that this will achieve anything. My life or at least the one I wanted to live is now gone and I am so apprehensive as to what comes next. I fear that may GP will tell me that I have issues and should be on medication but I don’t trust the medication I truly believe that it is a major reason as to why my life has degraded to this point and I can’t see how it helps at all.

I hope that there is a way where I will not cry at the most innocent comment my kids make to me but right now that is what happens and I am just so miserable that I have lost my family which was and still is the only thing that matters to me.

Kate1117 · ‎12-03-2018

Hi Rocketman,

Hope you're going okay at the moment.

Maybe give the GP a hearing and then follow your gut on what's right for you. One thing you can take control of is your own health. You don't have to have medication. I resist this too as I've seen it's effects on my partner. Simple things might be recommended like sleeping well, exercising daily, making healthier choices with food and meditating (for me that just means sitting still for a while with my eyes closed - I don't think I'm really meditating). One of the more confronting questions I was asked by GP was "what do you do for fun?" I couldn't answer the question. Still can't. But at least I'm thinking about fun for a few minutes now and then rather than having my mind spin over the 'what ifs'. Anyway, give it a shot. Things might seem less frightening if you're feeling clearer.

Rocketman77 · ‎13-03-2018

Hi Kate thanks for your post, I will see how I go with the GP. I can no longer use this forum now but thanks for the kind support shown.

demonblaster · ‎14-03-2018

Oh thats a shame Rocket

Thanks letting us know

Wishing you well and that it all works out for you

Rocketman77 · ‎22-03-2018

Hi and thanks again for the kind words,

My partner checked my browsing history so now I am no longer anonymous and I understand that you can’t have more than one profile here and that is why. No things have not turned out well but I am hoping I can get in to see someone soon to talk face to face as that seems like the safest option right now. Thanks for trying to help guys.

demonblaster · ‎23-03-2018

Thanks Rocket.for letting us know

Shame things aren't going well

Hope you're in a position to face on one day, easier isn't it