Not coping with adult son going to prison

[Hopebee]

My adult son  has battled with mental health issues for years .My partner and I have worked really hard over the years supporting him  financially and emotionally through a difficult break up,  covid, homelessness his many conspiracy theories etc .When 3 years ago he entered into a volatile  relationship and had another child with someone with worse mental issues than him we felt exhausted we still supported him but backed away concentrating  on maintaining our close relationship with  his 3 children .5 weeks ago he came to our place after splitting up with his girlfriend .After a distressing time with him being out of control and suicidal I managed to get him into  through the hospital system and for the first time  into rehab only to find out he had lied to everyone  and had committed a serioua crime which he  was arrested for  after crossing the border . Since then it has been a nightmare  he was brought up with support and love and i feel i  am grieving for  someone that I never  knew. He has impacted on so many lives and will lose his 4 kids because of this . He is still waiting to be sentenced and all i know is it will be a long one .I spoke to my daughter in law,today and he has asked her to be on his contact list which she won't do .I am supported by my wonderful partner and trying to  look after myself. I am in my 60s and have experienced grief and trauma before but am struggling  to see any light at the end of this very dark tunnel  and would wellcome any advice.

[50WV]

wow, that is a lot for a person to deal with. This puts my issues as insignificant in comparison. 
It is easier said than done but you need to remain strong for yourself and for the grandkids etc. you also need to look after yourself. One of the best things I ever did for myself was go see a local GP and asked for referral to a psychologist. At the time Medicare allowed 4x yearly visits for free with a Referal. I am not sure if this is still the case but look into it. A psychologist is not a silver bullet fix all solution but it is nice sometimes if you can find a good one who can just listen to your problem, even if they cannot offer a perfect solution it is cathartic sometimes just to off load your burden into the ether. Some times it is hard to talk things through even with your partner and a neutral ear allows you to express things with honesty unedited perhaps even things which you’d hidden from yourself. Mental health is a fickle enemy I hope you find some light at the end of your tunnel. Spoil yourself with a piece of cake or some selfish self  time and try to find the small positive moment in today. 

[Resilience21]

Hello Hopebee,

I am glad you could share all that hardship on this forum and I am sorry for what you are going through at the moment.

Keep living your life with HOPE and LOVE for these two qualities can take you safely to the end

of your tunnel. Living life one step at a time or one day at a time can give you strength and one day

there will be a shift in your life. Nothing stays the same. Not even the hardest situations.

I understand your grieving for your son before the problems started. However, he is still "in" there,

he is still the five year old who has been brought up with support and love by you.

You sound like a strong Mother and Grandmother - your family is lucky to have you.

I agree with 50WV ... spoil yourself with a piece of cake sometimes or some nice time in nature.

Sometimes it's good to step back from a very difficult situation not for selfish reasons but

for self-preservation.

My very best wishes to You and your supportive Partner.

B

[Hopebee]

• Thank you Resilience 21 and 50WV for your kind words I love how you both offered me cake my English mum too believed in a cup of tea for any troubles .I have taken today off work and went for a walk along the beach but this is all so hard  and on my mind all the time .I have written on my mirror 'dont try and understand  this it's just a big load of grief' to remind myself   . I don't know what the future will hold for my family i hoped we could support each other but   the fall out atm is awful and will be on going . Yes I have been a  strong Nana  but I  fearI  will have a battle to maintain my relationship as  my daughter in law doesn't want reminders of my son but I have to keep reminding myself these are early days and we are still processing all of this and  hopefully that will change . Yes I will keep my memories of that 5 year old boy but it hurts too much ATM to see the life he has thrown away . 

[Resilience21]

Dear Hopebee,

You are not alone. I feel with you.

I feel you would receive great help from a Psychologist who

is trained to support you. May be start with an appointment at your

GP who can refer you. When you accept and ask for help for yourself,

life can improve.

If you can, only look at this day in your life ... for it is in this day,

that you can heal and make changes.

With my very best wishes.

B