Newby in need

[Lpat76]

I'm 41 mother of 3 kids.22,20 and 18.my alcoholic ex of 2 years has just 2 days ago been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer.it is awful.my 2 eldest daughters after a very hostile relationship has let him stay with them for a week.He is drinking all day and night and sending me nasty messages.I'm worried for my daughters but at the same time am trying to be compassionate as he doesn't have much time.its very tense ATM .

All of our anxiety is through the roof as our safety comes first.it's horrible right now as he also has alcoholic dementia and is very hard to deal with.I'm just trying to support my children at this time.Any advice???

[geoff]

hello Lpat, I have to feel sorry for you and your daughters first of all in this instance, and then very sorry for your ex suffering with pancreatic cancer, a painful illness so I've been told, but your daughters have been kind to let him stay with them after all that has happened, and taking it out on you is no justification.
I feel sorry that he hasn't much time left but that doesn't stop the fact that he has been annoying you and taking out all his anger on you.
He should be admitted to a nursing home so that his drinking will stop, but I'm sure that's not what he wants, he wants to keep drinking until he physically can't.
I would think he's taking opioids for the pain which is only going to make him drink, so it's catch-22, but unfortunately this is only to going to quicken up the end result.
I suggest you block his number as hard as it may seem but he is your ex and shouldn't be interfering with your life.
With him staying with your daughters their patience will run out, plus his condition will become much worse that's why he needs to be put in a home so that they can cater for him and control his pain.
It's a sad situation all around but you have to look after yourselves. Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear Lpat76~

It says something about the way you have brought up your children that they can still show compassion to such their father and try to help after what has gone before. Sadly doing so is a difficult and upsetting thing to try to do

I guess firstly if it was me I’d be talking to your daughters to see what they intend, how long they might be prepared for him to say. I know you said a week but things can change, if they plan on allow him to remain beyond the week for part or all of the maybe few months he may have left before hospitalization.

I’d then talk about boundaries and what to do if he oversteps them, either with abuse or violence. While you can block phone calls etc as Geoff says planning what to do if he comes to your place is another thing. I would imagine your daughters will need a haven of peace and sanity to retreat to at times, which you might be able to provide.

The intention to do the right thing, fuelled my compassion and maybe still love is a great thing, but it really does have to be tempered with a realistic view of what might happen.

What do you think is likely?

Croix

[Mathy]

Hi Lpat75,

Horrible situation. Pancreatic cancer Stage 4 would be terminal, I’m guessing, based on what I’ve read/understand about that particular cancer.

To be practical about this, it seems he ought to be provided with appropriate medical care, but perhaps he’s refused this because of some desire to continue drinking or he doesn’t have a home, is this why he’s at your daughter’s place?

Most states have an outreach palliative care service to people in their homes. My guess would be that he’s been offered this service and refused it, which is why he’s at your daughters’ place, drinking and causing issues.

Palliative care folk are not going to be concerned about a Stage 4 pancreatic cancer patient drinking alcohol. As long as he doesn’t present an occ health and safety hazard to a visiting nurse. Denying an alcoholic alcohol, would be distressing as that would cause major physical/mental issues on top of the cancer issues - that’s not what palliative care is about.

It’s heartbreaking when you have a broken relationship with someone who reappears and is basically dying. Same thing goes for your daughters. I would be speaking with his medical team and asking if they have a social worker that you could speak with. This person should be able to help you sort out some palliative care arrangements for him. Also, social workers are great at family relationships, and this is a traumatic time for your family. Mending some bridges or forgiving, might be very healing for you, your daughters and him.

I’ve been thinking on the fly here, hope my thoughts have been helpful and not offensive, regards M 🙂

[geoff]

hello Lpat, can I also say that what Mathy has said about palliative care, they won't be interested in trying to help your ex for fear of revenge if they try and stop him for drinking, so they won't touch him.
Their attitude would be, if he still wants to drink when he knows that he shouldn't and that's it's only going to cause his cancer to rapidly increase, then so be it, we can't help him. Geoff.