Dear Darwin
Hello and welcome. Like Pamela I am also pleased you have started to write on this forum. Many people find it an effort and quite intimidating so well done for pushing through and posting.
If you read some of the threads on BB you will find many people who feel as you do, hiding their struggles, having a belief that they were not really serious and simply full of self pity. We know how horrible it is to feel alone, to be scared to open up and afraid of what others may think.
You post is serendipitous as I have just returned from a visit to my psychiatrist where we talked about my anxiety at what others may think. It took most of the session to discover this and admit the truth. Sadly I will not see her for another three weeks as she is going away for a holiday but we will start from where we left off. By then I will have had chance to think about it all.
As you can see you have received two replies from people who feel the same as you. I hope this helps you. I remember being so afraid to let anyone know (speaks in a whisper) I had a deep depression. This is part of our society's lack of knowledge about mental health but I do believe these attitudes are changing and we will one day be unafraid to ask for help.
Pamela has mentioned getting help from your GP or a mental health professional. You sound so very down and unhappy that I want to suggest you do make an appointment to see your GP. If you do not know what to say then print out your post above and simply give it to your doc to read. It will start the ball rolling and he/she will take it from there.
Shoulds, woulds, coulds, can cause anxiety because it's much like beating yourself up with these words. We can all say we should do this or that but it's not so easy and our pay-off is to become embarrassed and ashamed with ourselves when we fail to follow through. Is there a deadline for your thesis? I am wondering how much a deadline makes you act. I went to uni in my forties and I was constantly handing in my assignments on the last day. If your doctor referred you to a specialist what do you think will happen with the thesis? I wonder if you can take a short time off, say a month, and concentrate on getting well.
I know a month is not much to get your depression under control but you may be able to learn how to manage your emotions and feelings of despair to some extent.
I do hope you will return and chat with us, perhaps tell us more about yourself though only what you want to say.
Mary
