New to forums. Multiple addictions and depression

[Scurvy]

Hi. I have had many addictions throughout my life. Starting in my early teens I used drugs, alcohol, relationships and anything else I could think of, to make myself feel better than what I was feeling at any given time. After getting married and having children, My was was telling me that I was depressed. A marriage therapist said it was because of my drinking and chronic pot smoking. I went to rehab a few years later for the depression and the drug use. It was here that I learned about emotions for the first time.

I had only ever felt good or bad. I couldn’t describe any other emotions. I went to hospital three times for a three week program each time. Each time I would get well enough to get sick again. I had 18 years without alcohol, but I relapsed on drugs every time. My addictions are varied and many. My depression has been my normal feeling since my teens and anything that makes me feel better is a potential problem. I wasn’t depressed from drug and alcohol abuse. I was an addict because I had depression. I am currently drinking and drugging and struggling with severe depression. I need help once again.

[sister moon]

Hi Scurvy,

I am sorry to hear that things are so hard for you . I do not have any advice but I do want to thank you for posting and to let you know that you are not alone. You sound like you are a very resilient person who has been through a lot and are doing the best that you can. Well done for reaching out I know it can be hard.

I do not have experience with drug addiction, but i do struggle very much to allow myself to feel emotions and I find it confronting to do. I think even as a child I repressed or detached from feelings as much as I could, but sometimes I would just explode. I don't think anyone really teaches us how to feel or be with emotions or how powerful they are. If you are not used to it (and probably even if you are, I don't know I am in the not used to it camp) learning how to feel is so hard. And they can be so consuming.

Thank you for reaching out. Know that you are not alone. There are loads of lovely people on this forum or on the phone lines if you need them. I use help lines a lot these days when something feels to big for me to handle myself.

Don't ever feel bad about needing help again. Everyone falls down sometimes. Asking for help is very brave.

You are always welcome to share you're story here. Connection and empathy go a long way.

Warm wishes

Sister moon

[Scurvy]

Thank you Sister Moon, you are right. I can see that there are many people who are struggling with many problems. We can learn a lot from listening (or reading). It is hard to reach out, but it’s always worth it.

Thanks again

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Scurvy,

Thanks for your post and I'm sorry that you've been struggling with this. I agree with sister moon in that it sounds like you are a very resilient person.

You mentioned while you were in rehab you learned about emotions for the first time; what was that like for you? Are there skills that you can use from rehab or the marriage therapist that you saw?

I think part of the key to recovery and managing all of this is learning more about our emotions and being able to just sit with them. I'm kind of getting the idea from your post that you're not finding any natural highs, just artificial ones - so it's no wonder you keep wanting to go back to these. I think though that if you're able to sit with whatever you feel - you might be able to make room for joy/happiness/pleasure that doesn't come from a substance.

I hope that you find these forums useful - feel free to jump in on other threads if you like.