New mom, moved to rural town, lonely... scared I might be depressed

[Firefly2017]

First post. Need advice. After marriage 3.5 years ago moved to regional city in Oz from big city in Canada. Left family, firiends and a good job I loved in my field to come to Oz to a city where my partner didn’t have friends or family. After a few months I managed to make some social connections through new job and activities to help me settle down. Last year fell pregnant and due to complications end-up on medical bed rest from 5 months onwards.

‘At that time partner decided that he needed to specialise, so applied for a training program. Just after I gave birth, he found out that he got into the training program, but it meant that we would be moving to a small rural town 7 hours away. He moved first and 6 months later I joined him with the baby.

After 3 months here, I know I’m lonely...just scared I’m becoming depressed... we will be here according to my husband for at least 5 years... I haven’t left the house, except to do groceries, we are a 1 car family so it is difficult for me to explore as we live on the outskirts of town (public transit is not available where I live), suffering from insomnia (started when I realised we would be moving), I used to love to garden, but now I’m scared to go out, for fear of encountering snakes, don’t really feel like doing much around the house, taking care of the baby, cooking & chores seem to take all of my time. There are no jobs in my field in this town, so I won’t be able to make friends that way, I’ve searched the nearest playgroups ( as I need to socialise the baby) and they are too far away for me. I’ve come to realise that all of my social connections since the move have been via the internet. I put on a happy face, but when I’m alone I cry often. The only thing keeping me sane and content is the baby.

Husband has a stressful job, often works 6- 7 days a week,and is only home for 2 hours before falling asleep. He isn’t much of a conversationalist... just too tired. I skype with my friends and family, so that I have some sort of conversation daily, but I feel helpless with regards to my situation. I’ve tried to talk to my husband, but he is focused on his stresses.

‘Looking for advice on how to make friends in rural Australia so that I can have some sort of connection.

[PamelaR]

Hi Firefly and warm welcome to Beyond Blue forums

Thank you so much for sharing your story here. How brave you are and how good it is you’ve been able to reach out.

You’ve had an extraordinary amount of change in a very short period of time - moved countries, left family and friends behind, new baby, moved towns again. Wow, I’m absolutely amazed at how you’ve dealt with all this. I can see how and why you are fearful too. New place, new animals, new baby, all mixed with changing hormones - all creating anxiety that leads to depression. Though it sounds like you want to do something about that. Good on you.

I’m not a health professional, just someone who has experience with PTSD, anxiety and depression. To make the most use of the forums, I find it best to do keyword searches in the search field at the top of the BB webpage, alternatively I do a keyword search in Google search and add Beyond Blue. If you find threads and posts of interest, feel free (if your inclined) to join in the discussions, ask questions you have.

To work out if you depressed or not

• Have you talked with a doctor about how you feel? Also, have you had a look at the Beyond Blue Pregnancy and New Parents webpage? You can find this page by going to the BB homepage, it’s half way down this page. Alternatively do a keyword search.
• Have you heard of PANDA - Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia? This organisation supports families across Australia affected by anxiety and depression during pregnancy and early parenthood. They have a help line - 1300 726 306 or go to their website www.panda.org.au.

To help build new networks and friendships

Have you tried ReachOut? While this is primarily aimed at under 25 year olds, it is also for parents and it does give a few tips and ideas about living in rural regions e.g.
https://au.reachout.com/articles/living-in-a-rural-and-remote-area.

Hope some of this helps Firefly, though you sound really gutsy. Being afraid of snakes is not unusual. It’s learning what to do if you’re faced with one. Then working on the fears (if you want to - no pressure).


Kind regards
PamelaR

[therising]

Hi Firefly2017

First, I must say I 100% agree with PamelaR, you are definitely one brave and amazing woman.

The first thought that comes into my head is 'Are you able to obtain a car of your own?' It doesn't have to be anything flash, just reliable. If you personally don't have the cash, maybe you can speak with family about funding such an idea if they are able to.

Whilst having been incredibly supportive of your husband regarding his dreams and desires, it is (in my opinion) unfair that his support of you appears to be lacking when you so desperately need it. Understandably, he is tired and stressed although his duty of care toward his wife and child should not have to take a back seat. It is unfair for anyone to be placed in a position of isolation, let alone that position being one of 5 years.

I've been with my husband for just over 20 years now. Before we met, he'd lived on his own for about 12 years. In the early part of our relationship, he had a lot of self-focused habits which would drive me nuts. When I'd speak to him about some of these habits, he would apologise proclaiming 'Sorry but remember I'm used to living on my own'. My response, with a sly grin - 'Well, if you're not willing to give me more consideration, I can arrange for you to go back to living on your own!' By no means am I suggesting you go your own way Firefly2017, what I am saying is growing a relationship through the challenges of change is a two way street. I have given a lot to my husband over the years and he to me, as far as adapting and growing goes. Helping each other evolve is all part of a loving experience. One sided changes typically lead to resentment.

I hope the 2nd car idea is a strong possibility as it will reconnect you with a sense of self as well as opening up a new world to your baby which is something you expressed wanting to do (playgroup).

Take care of yourself, you are so much more deserving than what you may believe