New member

[CJ1963]

Hello all

I have been telling myself I will join BB for years but just haven't got around to it until now. In the face of everything I went through in life I am a fun loving, considerate and caring person. I was raised in a poor environment back in the UK and suffered bullying from my peers throughout my childhood. Mostly because I was poor and secondly because I was small and lacked confidence. Despite all that, I grew into a thoughtful and caring bloke. My father wasnt the only one in the day who put his social life before his family, and I suppose my subsequent illness is a result of that and the loss of confidence due to the bullying. I've had several bouts of anxiety/depression throughout my life and lost my brother to depression in 2004. The Only Way I can describe it is in the way it affected me. The first major breakdown was in my early 30s. I just decided one day without any thought that I didn't want the life I had. I packed my bag and walked out on my wife. After a couple of months I began to wonder what the hell I was doing and why I was making these irrational decisions. Happily we are back together and all is good. I didn't know why I had become so irrational and it never occurred to me I was suffering from depression. She knew though and stood by me. My worst but was in 2004 after I loved to Oz. I woke in the night having an extreme panic attack. I thought I was going to die and just lay the in terror, not knowing what was happening. The very next day I was consumed by what I now term "The Darkness". It was like all the light had gone from my world and was squeezing the life out of me. I lost my appetite and wouldn't eat for days. I couldn't go outside, I lost all my drive and couldn't concentrate on anything. It seemed to come in waves. I would wake up in the morning feeling ok, but knowing that at some point in the day the darkness would come and envelop me again. That was the hardest part, the fear of the darkness. It was terrifying. I never sought any professional help and managed to endure it until it finally went away. The waves became ripples and then nothing. That year my brother comitted suicide. The devastation and the grief combined allowed the darkness back in, but I knew that in time it would go away. I've never been professionally diagnosed so I'm not sure if I'm bipolar or what. What I do know is that I am not afraid of the darkness returning

[Zeal]

Hi CJ,

Welcome to the forum!

You sound like a really kind, compassionate and strong person. After everything you've been through, you don't seem bitter about these experiences. You deserve to have personalised support for the depression, anxiety and the grief. Going to a doctor (GP) and explaining your past and current symptoms is important. The doctor can refer you to a psychologist or other professional.

If you ever need to talk to someone who is knowledgable about mental illness, call beyond blue's helpline on 1300 22 4636. This service is available 24/7.

I am glad you were able to post here on the forum, after thinking about doing so for years.
It would be great to hear back from you 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[Starwolf]

Hello CJ, welcome to the forums.

Thank you for sharing your story and thoughts with us.

Only a professional could offer a diagnosis. But if you want more info about depression or anxiety, you will find it by scrolling down to the bottom of this page and check "The Facts" section. I am sorry you lost a loved one to this cruel disease. You have courageously endured a lot. I agree that bullying causes self esteem and confidence to take a nose dive. Well done for coming through to the other end with your compassion and good humour intact.

What are your expectations re becoming a BB member ? It seems you are not seeking assistance or advice...and it's OK. These forums are also a safe place to vent feelings and/or connect with caring, understanding people who know what you are talking about. Good to have you on board.