Hi Chris,
How has the last week been for you?
I was reading through this post and was hit with this moment of clarity (for me) and wanted to share it with you. I can’t pretend to know the pain and suffering that you are feeling, I’m yet to marry or have children, but I can understand and empathise that you are in a dark place.
A little about me, I grew up in an environment where there was infidelity in my parents’ relationship. It led to years of alcohol, emotional and physical abuse as well as a gambling addiction that impacted my parents’ financial situation. As a child growing up in this environment, it was terrifying, isolating and I felt unloved and abandoned. (It also explains a lot about my inability to have any kind of emotional relationship in my adult life).
This is not the point of my story though... learning to accept what is happening is.
Acceptance is the key. You are currently fighting an internal battle because you are wanting, hoping and longing for a different outcome. Unfortunately the past cannot be changed, it cannot be undone, all we can do is learn from it. Regret is an unhealthy emotion that makes you feel bad about yourself. It is okay to acknowledge that and accept that is what you’re feeling, but you must find a way to look forward to the future.
I’m dreadfully sorry to hear about everything you are going through. Reaching out is taking a step in the right direction as well as taking some time out for yourself and remembering self-care. I can strongly recommend seeking counselling to help you learn to understand what you’re going through and to learn coping strategies to help you in everyday life.
I see your new purpose in life is to be the best dad you can be. Your kids are going to need you more than you can ever imagine. It may be hard to put aside what you’re feeling to be there for them, but you really need to. They need to know they are loved and this isn’t their fault. Of course having an amicable relationship with your wife will help.
Spend some time working on you, learning to be the best version of yourself you can be. Your wife will spend time working through what she needs to. If there is any chance of reconciliation, remember that you can’t get back the old relationship. But perhaps you can have a new one.
Be kind to yourself, try to stay healthy and eat when you can. You will be in my thoughts and I’m sending you strength and courage.
