New member here.

[Luna_]

Hi all. This is really hard for me, even to do anon. During high school I was the most happy, active & bubbly person. I was on the path to going to Medical School and my dream of being a surgeon. This all came crashing down when I was diagnosed with Epilepsy in my final schooling years. I suffered constant Grand Mal seizures and numerous other medical problems which stemmed from the seizures (fractures, broken teeth etc). It's safe to say at some point in my last year of school I was considering 'opting out.' I never came close and now I hope it was just some dramatic teen fleeting thought as I don't have that desire or thoughts any more. FF to University... I obviously couldn't be a surgeon anymore. New medication I was on made my mind foggy so I also couldn't handle a medical degree. I just did a basic degree which I eventually completed over 5 years. It was the worst 5 years of my life. I lost a lot of friendships and couldn't maintain a relationship. University was absolute hell. I had to work three times as hard to just pass subjects because I would always forget content or fall asleep in class. I even had a few seizures during exams which was no help. I was extremely depressed and eventually diagnosed with chronic depression. . Then a miracle happened - my doctor found an epilepsy medication which actually WORKED. All my seizures stopped and with them left my depression.

FF to 4 years later. Seizure free, in a supportive relationship and even owning my own business. Then one day last year, it happened. Another seizure. My doctor couldn't really explain it but nor could I. I had broken my ankle 2 months prior and we concluded that perhaps I fell and hit my head which brought on the seizure as there was really no other explanation. My medication was increased and my licence revoked regardless, just as a precaution. Then again about April this year, I had another seizure. We have now concluded these are due to stress brought on by running my own company. There is nothing I can do. I can't work away from home as I can't drive and I always need a nap around 2PM to get through the day. I don't know what to do. I am lost and desperate. I feel useless and in constant fear of another seizure. I am extremely insecure and cannot stand the sight of myself in the mirror. Dark thoughts are entering my mind again. I am seeing my neurologist in about a month but just wanted some advice/support till then...

[Swan_13]

Hi Luna,

Welcome to the forums. I can’t even begin to imagine how frustrating and upsetting this whole experience must be for you, especially for someone who is so ambitious. You seem like someone who likes to take control of a bad situation and make the best of it, but your battle with epilepsy is really preventing you from being able to do this right now.

You’ve been so resilient in the past and I truly admire that… when life has thrown challenges at you, you’ve been able to pick yourself back up and turn it around. Even though a lot of things seems out of your control at the moment, there’s nothing to say that you can’t do this again. You didn’t give up on university, even though those years ended up being some of the most challenging years of your life. You posted here on the forums, even though that was hard for you. I get the impression that you fight through things despite the set-backs.

I’m glad to hear that you’re in a supportive relationship… you deserve to feel supported.

I hope your neurologist is able to give you some answers and help you explore some other options. I also hope you’re able to connect with people on the forums who have had similar experiences to yourself - you don’t have to go through this alone. Any time those dark thoughts enter your mind and you’re feeling lost, you know that you’ve got a safe space to talk it through here.

[geoff]

Hello Luna_, and thank for posting your comment and can certainly relate to what you are suffering from, as I too have had grand mal epileptic fits, breaking windows, glass top tables continually, until my doctor asked me to have a blood test and told me that I was well unmedicated.

I also had my own business and certainly do forget.

I need to have a catnap because the medication is very heavy and does make me tired, so I do feel so sorry for you and what you are going through.

There are a few reasons why a seizure can happen and the trouble is we never know if or when it's going to happen.

Can I offer a suggestion, as I'm not qualified in any medical way to say what you should do, however, ask the neurologist if there is any other medication?

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear Luna

A warm welcome to the forum. It can be very hard to make your first post here and I want to congratulate you. Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds so frustrating to constantly find these road blocks. On the positive side you are fighting back and that takes courage. Do you believe it is the pressure of your business that has caused these seizures?

Geoff has said he had the same situation and can feel for you. It must be so very hard when all your hopes and dreams come crashing down especially when you have no warning and no control over when you will have another seizure. I was very pleased to read you have a supportive partner. This is one of the positive events in your life.

Thinking of self harm is normal in your school situation as you were so bitterly disappointed at losing your opportunity to have the career you dreamed of. You got past that and set about finding a new career path and although the journey was rough you got through your degree. That in itself was a huge success. I went to uni as a mature age student and found it hard going at times juggling work, family and study.

And now you have been dealt another blow. Is there a possibility of seeing your neurologist earlier than a month? Perhaps you can go on their cancellation list. I feel you need some immediate support to help fend off these dark thoughts. Do not be too hard on yourself. You have battled through some huge situations and come out the other end.

Mentor is quite right saying you can talk safely here. I do not have any suggestions for you as I have not been in your situation. It's a bit like depression in that few people who have never had depression can relate to you. It is so hard to understand.

When you are feeling the thoughts are going to take over your actions, may I suggest you phone the Suicide Call Back Service (SCBS). Do not be alarmed at the title. They are available 24/7, and you can reach them on 1300 659 467. You may like to explore their web site https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ These lovely people can help when you feel despair. They have trained staff who do understand how you are feeling. I hope this will be a good support for you.

Please continue to post in here.

Mary