New here - Not sure what I'm going through - but it's claustrophobic

[RickSanchez30]

New on this website, hence posting on the welcome board.

First, something about me. Migrant, came to Aus in 2016. Wife joined me in 2017. Being away from family and friends was difficult at first, but got easier with time. Life hasn't been easy, lost my father in 2011. Mum is still back home, with my aunt. She's supportive of my move but I know it isn't easy on her. Life wasnt going anywhere, career wise, financially and future was bleak.

In these 4 years, have tried to make a life here. Full time job. By nature, i'm reserved and introverted. So cant say I've mixed well, but thats been life at home too.

My wife and I got registered,not socially married. Thats due next year. Guess that's what has started whatever it is. Finances of that is building up,we've placed a target and I'm falling way short. Its nothing extravagant but all I want is do it small and decent. Its falling short of that too. I'm worried about the finances. Worried about not letting her down in front of everyone that I couldn't muster something even basic. I'm also worried as to how my side comes in front of everyone.

Mum is 60+ and aunt is older and with me here, they are unable to do wedding stuff on their own either. I don't really have someone who can stand on my behalf, make the arrangements, verify, handle finances. It's weird - her side is doing so much, mine so little.

It's my marriage and I'm far from happy. Worried about all this, about how it'll go, just want to be there the day after - marriage is done, however weird it is.

We're renting, and I'd have loved to buy a place here, like my colleagues have, but it's just not possible. I had to get one there first, it's got loans, so much that I'm unsure when i can move to a place of my own here. Wife is understanding, but to keep paying rent here, installments for house there and my mum depends on me for finances too it drains me.

I'm handling it but last few months, hasnt been good. I get moody, sometimes sad or teary. Unable to concentrate on work. Few nights i just cry, some other nights its my wife, she's not really happy either - we get by, but somedays it just comes out. On some occasions I lash out at family asking them to do more, somedays i stop talking and just wish to sleep. I'm restless, and even post wedding, mum wants to come to Aus to stay for a while, we dont have room. I know it's due to my decisions and one day all this would be in past but it gets so claustrophobic something I find it difficult to breathe

[Croix]

Dear RickSanchez30~

I've read your post and want to check I understand properly. You came to Australia around four or less years ago, were joined by your wife a year later and have pledged yourselves to each other in a civil marriage ceremony, something as serious, binding and full of commitment and any other form of marriage.

At the same time you have purchased a house in your country of origin and as paying for it and supporting your mother too.

Here in Australia you and your wife are renting, and you work full time.

Have I got it right?

Assuming I have may I very gently say, without any form or criticism, that yo may be expecting too much of yourself. With all those expenses a house here does not look possible, in fact for most other Australians it is not possible either.

Having a formal 'social' wedding is all very well, but the added strain on you to try to make it work without the financial resources is stressing you far beyong what you can bear -and that is no wonder. You cannot do the impossible not matter how much you want to, and if others expect you to then they are unkind and not understanding.

All that stress is coming out in moods, lack of concentration, crying, anger and all those other perfectly natural reactions. The longer it goes on the more chances there are of your becoming ill. Now you have got to the stage of difficulty breathing. I'd suggest that is a sign you should see your doctor and explain all these effects on you, get some medical support.

Look, a marriage is between two people who love each other, want to look after each other and not to let them become ill though worry over thngs that are not vital. It is an equal partnership, the wife shares the burdens with the husband. My marriage has that , no fancy wedding, it is not missed.

It may well be that other people have expectations about what should happen, your colleagues my expect you to buy a house, your relations, and your wife's relations, may expect a social wedding. Please ask yourself if their expectations are realistic in the circumstances, I strongly suspect they are not.

Would you consider shelving the whole matter for now, to be looked at in some future date when circumstances have improved? Even then it may be a question of priorities, maybe just getting your mum out for a while might be the most you could do.

Have you talked this over with your wife and explained what this is doing to you? What does she say?

Croix

[Helen72]

Hi Rick,

I think Croix has a point - by the sounds of it you've got a lot on your plate, houses and weddings! Can you have a talk with your wife and pick one thing too work towards? It doesn't mean the others won't happen but your health is important.

Helen

BTW Introverts rule 😉