New and facing my fears

[Forever_Hopeful]

I'm in my 40's and have lived my whole life with anxiety and worry. It's made it so I couldn't drive a car. It made it so I stayed in a marriage where my husband was seeing other women. It made me eat away the pain til my clothes stopped fitting.

But one day it dawned on me that things had to change. I started walking every day, eating less, skipping the fatty foods and focused on my health. I got strong enough to say enough is enough and left my husband.

But now I'm living with my parents and my son lives with his dad and my mother has a failing heart. I'm also in a long distance relationship, facing a huge move and learning to drive. I've added so many more worries. Sometimes I don't know how to keep juggling everything and let people down. I stress about my relationships so much, but fear talking about them because I'm scared I'll end up alone. I don't do so well alone.

I try to stay optimistic but it's hard when I'm drowning in other peoples negative.

[quirkywords]

Welcome foreverhopeful,

Well done for starting this thread and sharing your story.

You have worked hard to change your life by exrecising more and eating more healthy foods and becoming strong enough to leave your husband.

You are also learning to drive which I admire as I am older than you but never learnt to drive as I lacked confidence.

Is the long distance relations supportive? When are you planning to move?

I can understand how you stress about relationships and worry about the future but you are strong and changed your behaviour before.

You have chosen a positive name. I wonder is there something you can do to help you stress less, are you still walking and eating a healthy diet?

You are not alone and there is support here.

Keep posting here as much as you like.

Quirky

[Forever_Hopeful]

Since moving I'm still eating better, so that's a plus. My exercising isn't as often as I'd like because I'm living in a different area and getting used to it. Work (aged care) has gotten more stressful, but that will be relieved when I move. I don't have an exact timeline on moving because it hinges on my getting my licence somewhat. Learning to drive has also put extra stress on me but I'm determined to conquer my anxiety. My partner understands that I have anxiety, but is also holding me to the promises I've made to myself so I remain focused and not procrastinate. I'm sure he's secretly proud of me for all that I've done. The upsides of walking and eating better is I've lost about 10kg and feel more myself than I've done in years. Some of the worst of my depression that I didn't even realise I had, has lifted. Best of all is my libido came back. I'm doing better, but I've still got quite a journey to go.

It sounds horrible, but my mother dying slowly from heart failure is probably my biggest stress because I'm helping care for her and also being my dad's support person. Living in their household is my biggest issue and there's no easy way out of it. My mum treats me like a teenager and doesn't afford me the dignity and respect that I should have as an adult. It puts strain on every other part of my life, especially my new relationship. Both me and my dad talk to her about it over and over .... she alters her behaviour for a brief time and then is back to treating me like a child. For example, she doesn't respect my privacy and barges through doors rather than knocking or asking if its ok to come in, one time waking me up from sleep. She makes jokes about having to "approve" of my new boyfriend before I'm allowed to move, that we'd better be sleeping in seperate beds/rooms and eavesdrops on my private conversations behind closed doors. Add to this the complications of dealing with her anger at knowing she's dying and it's a messy complex emotional mess.

[quirkywords]

Foreverhopeful,

thanks for your reply.

It is so sad for your mother to be so sick and it must be difficult for her to have her child back in her house. You will always be her baby no matter how old you are. I realise it is difficult for you too when you are treated as a child and you are trying to cope with a new phase of your life, but at the same time you feel sad for your mum.

I lived with my parents for a short time as an adult with children and it was very tricky.

I decided as it was their house and I would abide by their rules as they would not change. I think someone who is very sick is probably not going to change. You know your mum loves you and is probably feeling scared so she goes back to treating you as a child.

Quirky