Nevermind, I guess

[Anon2118]

I'm awake for what feels like every single night stuck in the feeling of guilt of not being good enough and being a failure at everything.

I have 2 kids, husband, a roof over our heads and food on the table but I just feel like a complete failure. I quit my job to be with my kids while they're still very young (4&2) and study for a better career part time. I feel I have nobody to blame but myself for feeling as though I'm not good enough to even be their mother.

Since always I've felt as though I've had no friends, I feel forgotten by family everyday and nobody visits me or my children which I feel as though it's because I am their mum so people are avoiding because of me. I hate leaving the house, I feel as though everyone is looking at me and judging my every move and behavior. I feel as though my husband is embarassed to be seen with me in public with the kids and would much rather me not around. I don't go outside of my house when I have the kids by myself. I just feel like they are being ruined by me. They deserve better, a happier mum and wife, one that can give them everything that I can't.

I hate asking for help or trying to reach out because it feels like I am a burden just being alive and I just think.. Well nevermind, it's all good, it doesn't matter, I'll get over, I guess.

I just don't want to let anymore people down in my life.

[PamelaR]

Hi Anon and warm welcome to our forums

I'm so pleased you've found your way here. I'm also sorry it's taken so long for us to respond to your reach out for help. It has nothing to do with you, it's just what happens sometimes. Posts get missed for one reason or another. Unfortunately yours happens to be one of those.

You sound like things are very difficult for you at the moment. Please don't hate yourself for asking for help. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. If you browse our forums, there are many others who do the same. So you are in very good company.

It is interesting that you find yourself a failure when all I read in your post is success. The stories we tell ourselves can be so strong can't they. I'm not a health professional, just someone who has lived experience with PTSD, anxiety and depression.

Just wondering what outside activities you have? No pressure to answer. My thoughts are, stay at home mums need some intellectual or social stimulation. I've found many of my friends have got very bored being at home all the time and subsequently moved into anxiety and depression. Do you think this could be the situation with yourself?

What do you think some of the reasons for your friends not visiting may be? My thoughts are - they think you might be very busy with 2 very young children and they leave you in peace. Have you thought about having a morning tea and inviting them around?

There's no pressure for you to tell more of your story - only if you feel like it and want to do it. You're not alone Anon.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Anon2118]

Thanks for replying, the last few days and today has been very hard. I just feel like everyone that I've reached go don't talk to me or reply as they're not interested or that they think I'm not interested in hanging out. I've tried organising coffee or days but everytime without fail they're busy or have to cancel.

however it's not just friends it's family also, I don't hear from any and I felt these type of feelings badly with first child being at home and then again after the birth of my 2nd while being home. I do feel very isolated and alone even as I do try to get out and reach out to people, I just get a cold grip from some even basically telling me to get over it or as I'm talking to them they show they're disinterested, by talking over or walking away during conversation.

I just feel like a burden in all aspects. I just don't know how to stop feeling this way, like everyone will be better off and happier without me around. I don't want my kids to be ruined with seeing me lonely and sad and crying. I don't want my husband worrying about me anymore either. I just feel as though I don't exist and maybe that's what should be, and will be better for everyone else.

I am so sorry if reading this hurts but it's so hard for me to explain any other way.

[PamelaR]

Hi Anon

Thank you for getting back to me. Yes, your story is sad. Things sound very tough for you as your self opinion needs a little boost.

Since you've tried some of the things above, then, if it were me, I'd go to the doctor and get a referral to a health professional on a mental health care plan. Talking with someone about how I feel about myself is so important to help get me back to being able to talk with others. To feel okay about myself.

There are many of us here who are in similar circumstances, so you're not alone. It's okay to cry, it's okay to feel sad and it's okay to talk about it.

From what you've talked about I have to say that - if you think you are in danger of hurting yourself, please call emergency services on 000. Other support services include -

Lifeline 13 11 14 or chat online - www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/Criss-chat

Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 or chat online www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/

It's okay to reach out if and when you want. There is no pressure though.

I'd like to hear back from you.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Anon2118]

I think I will need to do that and thnkyou for your help, I know you tried. I will hopefully find someone nice to talk to comfortably and see to help me with coping. Thank you.