need help on dealing with my Indian in-laws and having a 3 month old baby

[Alexbb]

Hi I’m alex

just jumped onto here because I need a safe space to talk about my feelings.

my problem is my in-laws from India have come to stay with my husband and I for 4 months I am from a European background so very different up bringing and we raise our children differently .

My in-laws were the ones who set up my new home due to me being the primary care giver of our baby , after I moved into the house I left 3 days later and returned to my mums house due to the fact I felt alone , his parents didn’t look after my child in a way I like , eg not holding her correctly , not using common sense such as if it’s hot do not put a thick blanket onto a baby . when baby cries not picking her up but telling me she is crying so I stop eating and go and attend to her .

My husbands mother has destroyed my kitchen oil marks everywhere , dirty stove etc and seeing all this makes me so angry because we worked hard for this house and it feels like she does not appreciate or respect our house.

I don’t feel like my house is my own , my husband always defends his parents and acts like a little boy infront of them , and has painted a different picture of himself to his parents then what he actually is like.

I decided to come back home to him to work on the marriage but I don’t know how long I will last 😞

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

This is so difficult to answer. I can give you an example- my ex father in law was dutch and he lived through WW2. We lived with him for 6 months while we had our first home built. The arrangement was, I would cook and he would wash up. After 5 months we had an unexpected argument. He accused me of "feeding him too well" He went on to say that we eat like kings and we have no right to. Stunned as my intent was to prevent any conflict if he was dissatisfied, I questioned him further. See the war lef tits scars and he had periods of hunger. His perception was to really appreciate just enough food to eat, anything he saw as excess he felt guilty with.

So this came to mind with your in-laws. To leave a kitchen oily or dirty after she cooked is maybe a reflection of her habits and the habits of those in her town in India where hygiene is less important. It doesnt mean she intends to be lazy or doesnt respect you. This is important- intent. Be prepared to have a big clean up once they have left the country.

As for mishandling your baby, you are correct to intervene on any matter, tactfully. You can do that by actions not words Eg your in-law puts a thick blanket around your child. You take it off saying just- "too hot." Any objection should be met with them not holding your baby- simple. The other thing i communication- have a meeting around the table and explain that you understand they mean well but you are the baby's mother and they must learn there are boundaries for any handling of a parents baby. Be firm but not argumentive.

Do you know any other Indian friends? If so you could explain the situation to them so they can be a go between.

As for your husband- I see this situation repeating itself everytime they visit. You need counseling to avoid this from happening again. I would also refrain from visiting his in-laws home in India- no point making the situation worse- keeping your distance is a good idea imo. He can go himself.

I hope I've helped.

TonyWK

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Alexbb,

Welcome to the forums. I'm really glad that you joined us and I hope that you'll find it is a safe space here. I appreciate that it's really not an easy thing to open up about how things are going.

It sounds like there's a bit of a clash between you and your in-laws. I know that this is such a common thing, but to add to it - cultural differences! When both of you have such natural ways of raising children and yet they are so different. It must be really hard, and I'm disappointed that your husband isn't providing you with some much needed support.

You said that they're staying for four months and you moved out for a little while; how long have you got to go now that you are back? I really agree with TonyWK on setting some boundaries; I feel frustrated your husband might not set them with you but this is absolutely something you can do - and reinforce on your own.

Hopefully you find these forums helpful and supportive. It can't be easy but we are here for you in anyway that we can be.

rt