My story

[searching4hope]

Hi all,

Long time depressant, first time on BB.

My Dad has just recently passed away, although he was sick for a long time, it was quite sudden and a bit of a shock to the remaining family.

I have not got along with my mother in the last 10years, I have two sisters whom have their own problems involving mental health issues and drug abuse. Reasons why I do not speak much with them. Dads passing brought us together, momentarily. But then the manipulating and arguing started again. And now I feel alone more than ever before.

I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for most of my life. I tried to hide from it using alcohol and drugs as an escape. Which worked for a few years, until my body and mind couldn't keep up. for the last few years I have been working really hard on trying to sort myself out.
I have been sober for 7months leading up to my Dads funeral. I have worked hard on changing my social connections, I have been seeing a counsellor and also a chiropractor which is another story.

I am struggling now. I have been unemployed for two and a half years. I have indirectly cut myself off from so many friends. People who I would normally drink with. My drinking was to avoid my anxiety, which worked a treat. Although it fuelled my depression.

I feel stuck now. I want a job, not for the money, but to have an excuse to get out of the house and meet people. Although every time I log onto a job search website I freak out. The voices in my head get louder. (not qualified, not good enough, no experience, ect) My job network provider is really nice, although I feel like I am going no where. I don't know what kind of work I even want to do. I just wish it would be with good people.

I have back problems which limits my mobility. I believe in people being holistic creatures. I am not sure if my back needs any more rest, or if it is too much rest that is causing me to not heal.

This is the beginning of my story. I thought I would just splurt something out to get started. I am sure some can relate.

looking forward to chatting

[Claire_26]

Hi Searching4hope

First of all I want to say I'm sorry to hear about your dad's passing. It can be hard with losing anyone in your life let alone a parent.

Depression and anxiety are disorders that I have both had in the past as well. I too found it easier to rely on alcohol to escape from suffering from anxiety/ panic attacks. However, I knew deep down that this was not how I wanted/knew I should be living. I think you are doing the right thing by changing your social situation, if you feel it is healthier for you.

The problem with anxiety/depression, is it has the tendency to be the little devil on your shoulder; where you constantly put yourself down or doubt your abilities. Returning back to work can be stressful, don't put too much pressure on yourself for not having all the answers. I know you mentioned seeing a counselor, have you discussed with them about your concerns about choosing a career choice? If not this may be a possibility. Another thing that may help is to write a list (It may sound a little cliche but I find it helps sometimes) on the interests/hobbies that you have and see whether there is job opportunities available.

I know you mentioned that you have a strained relationship with your mother and sisters, family dynamics can be difficult at the best of times. When there is grief involved people may do/say things they don't necessarily mean. There is another forum section which called Relationship and Family issues, this may be a forum that may assist you further with your family relationships.

It is hard to talk about depression and anxiety with anyone, but by you taking reaching out to the Beyond Blue community, it is letting you not only socialise but talk to people who have similar stories to you. I just want you to know that you're not alone 🙂

Claire_26

[searching4hope]

Thank you Clair_26
I am definitely happier not drinking. I spent years go back to it convincing myself that it makes me happier. I just get more confident, but actually don't like who I am with it. Or the people I associate with.

The 'devil on my shoulder' is a perfect way of describing the way I make myself feel. I know that if I can just jump on a different loop then it creates its own spiral, up or downwards.

I know that I want to help people, having dealing with depression for years I feel I have gotten quite good at understanding it and helping others with their down days. Although that pesky voice warns me 'what makes me think I could step into a high stress environment like that to help others without potentially making things worse?' I know that working with children, I have tried to start some volunteering, but knowing in the back of my head that these children need someone that wont leave them like so many before.

I feel I still have so much work to do on myself before I could start in that career choice.

I will check out the Relationships and family issues forum. Thank you

[geoff]

Hi Searching4hope, my sincere condolences and thoughts to you for your Dad passing away.
I was the same as you and Claire using alcohol to fill an empty hole and to try and numb my feelings of depression, and the expression 'the devil on your shoulder' is good, while I called it 'a chip on my shoulder'.
Alcohol won't and can't solve any problems, all it does is just defers the inevitable, that depression has to be tackled head on, whether you begin by doing it slowly and edging your way into it doesn't matter, but I have to congratulate you for being sober, 7 months is a long time for an alcoholic but an effort to be proud of, such as staying away from those who could tempt you back to the grog.
Don't let your back problems be the instigator in feeling as though you aren't good enough, because as soon as you see a job that you maybe interested in, suddenly your think that your back couldn't cope, maybe it could, and what to do, well it's 50/50, some people say rest it, while others say you should be doing something, like swimming to strengthen your muscles, that's what my son keeps telling me to do.
It's great to have the two of you join the site. Geoff.