My Soul and Sole Journey

[Daisy60]

Hi everyone. I’m new to this site. A brief intro.

I have 2 adult sons, who I raised on my own with nil support (from 14 & 10yrs old). They are 30 & 26. They are poles apart in personality (yes they are blood brothers). I support my guys the best I can, who both have depression (eldest only diagnosed 18mths ago; youngest has ADHD & has been struggling with depression for the past 8 yrs. Supporting both my sons has been the hardest journeys I’ve experienced. Both live independently, but locally. They both work full time.

I’m a positive person by nature (though this is tested when my boys are having a bad day), I work full-time, I’m a friendly & chatty person & make friends easily. However, I’m starting to lose the urge to be social. I’ve been through a lot in my life (as a lot of ppl have; I’m not special) & my current situation is very complex. Yes, I’m seeing a psychologist & she is very good. I don’t burden people with my problems, as so many others have problems of their own...so I keep my affairs to myself (mostly).

Hence this thread. Thought I’d join here for an occasional chat - less taxing on me & ppl here at least understand & are walking a similar journey. Maybe I’ll meet a few people I can connect with. Cheers.

[Ggrand]

Hello Daisy,

Welcome to BB Forums, You will meet some really wonderful people here who are caring Kind and non judgmental.

I am sorry you have been through so much struggles throughout your life.

You sound like you've done a wonderful job of raising your two sons on your own. Well done, when we are helping and supporting family with depression it's so easy for us to be put under so much pressure which causes us to have harder days.

I have 3 sons who all have different personalities and are also poles apart, it's hard to understand how this happens.

Its nice to hear you have taken the right steps with professional help, to help you on your journey to better mental health.

I think here is a good place to meet others who are also struggling with similar issue to yourself and can talk about and exchange thoughts and suggestions.

please feel free to have a look around at different threads, you might find you would like to join in the conversation which would be great or you might feel to just read, there are a social threads, information threads as well as staying well threads..

Thank you for reaching out and posting your first post which is the hardest one to do..

Oh and by the way,,you are a very special person, please don't ever think anything else, be kind to yourself and gentle as well.

Kind thoughts,

Grandy..

[Moonstruck]

Hello Daisy60....I had to reply as I too raised 2 adult sons myself with nil support from their father. they were even younger than yours when he left. Neither of them live locally so I rarely see them but we are very close and keep in contact of course....one is married with kids and its hard to see his little boy, without wishing I could have my time with my "little boys" again, as I was an emotional wreck back then, and feel terribly guilty that I wasn't 100% mentally or emotionally healthy enough to be the mother they deserved. I was all they had but feel guilty that I wasn't good enough.

whenever they have a problem, or feel depressed now as adults....I feel the urgent need to "fix" them, make them better, solve whatever is bothering them. I blame myself for any emotional/mental problems they experience now and worry about them all the time. I have recently retired and finding the adjustment extremely hard. I don't tell my boys how low, depressed and lonely I feel as they don't need the burden of worrying about their mother.

Like you, I don't burden people with my problems either and am terribly good at putting on a positive front. I am losing the urge to be social also and realise I must "force" myself as there is a real possibility I will become more and more of a recluse. I recognise that I do have that tendency and can feel it setting in even now, becoming anxious when I have to leave the house.

Once I do though, others would never in a million years describe me as scared, lonely and very sad.

I need to know my sons are well and happy, that's the most important thing in the world to me, my priority. I just felt we had a few things in common and I do understand where you are coming from....glad to have met you.

best wishes.......

.

[Daisy60]

Thank you for kind words, Grandy. It’s appreciated. Yes I’m still amazed how different my sons are. 3 sons? Wow, what a hero you are. I’m glad I only had two! So much work.

Moonstruck, I so relate to everything you’ve gone through and felt as a single mum. It’s incredibly eerie, yet amazingly comforting to know someone can relate to me. I was in what I call ‘survival mode’ back when my marriage broke down. Looking back, I don’t know how I did it. I had no permanent work but 3 casual jobs back to back, and then 2 jobs plus study. I worked 6.5 days a week (both at work and as a mum). This meant half a day to me. I didnt get sick or annual pay for 4yrs, so sickness or holidays just weren’t in the equation.

I also felt (& still feel) I failed my boys in not teaching them certain skills, and not having the time to do ‘family’ activities. If only I could go back and fix it. I try to focus on what I did right, but a constant effort is needed not to reflect.

Like yourself, I live, eat and breathe my boys, and lately I’m trying to pull back as I don’t see this as healthy for them. They have to experience life and learn things on their own. I also realised lately that I’m not truly living for myself - but for the boys. I’ve taken up some acting classes and I dance once a week; having some ‘me’ time occasionally, and enjoy these activities, though struggle having a desire to be social outside of this.

I just feel so alone in this world at times, walking this journey on my own. No one knowing or understanding what you’re really going through, I think causes this loneliness to become far more entrenched. I fight it daily, and make myself go out on days I’m feeling brighter (that’s usually when both my guys are having a better day). This forum is very helpful...knowing people understand and can relate/connect with me. I’m grateful for your post 🙂

Please push yourself to go out, even if it’s once a week or fortnight. For me, doing the things I enjoy is much easier than meeting up with a friend or going to a movie, because my passion/interest is in the activity & I can lose myself in my dance or my character I’m portraying in acting class. Cheers for now. Hope you have a nice weekend, both of you.

[Ggrand]

Hello Daisy,

Thank you for your post and kind words,

Like you Daisy, I felt like I failed my boys, from the time they left home, I kept thinking I should have taught them more about life itself..They have all are with their wives now for over 14 & 12 & 5 years ,, they are kind to their wives, help them cook, clean etc around their homes...so I figured out that what I did teach them must have been enough because they all are happy in their lives.. Daisy. Please think on the good that you have taught them,,,It is hard to step back and watch. But that's what I did..I stepped back and watched and told them if you need me I'm always here for you..I don't get calls now for help, which lets me know they are happy and content....which makes me happy..

The overwhelming loneliness and sadness its hard to fight, but going out and doing what you like doing is a great distraction from your feelings...I want to congratulate you for getting out their and doing your acting and dancing...

Im in a really small town, with any activities over 80 Klms each way on really not so good country roads. I walk every couple of days to get out. That's about all that can be done here..

I don't think anyone can really know the feeling of loneliness and feeling alone in this world...It's a feeling that I wouldn't wish alone anyone..

I hope your days a good day today..

Warm and kind thoughts..

Grandy..

[smallwolf]

Hi Daisy,

I should get up and do something today so just tagging at the moment. With that said, father, brother,son,uncle,married, 2 teens,1 cat. Will add more later.

Tim

[smallwolf]

A continuation of my hello story to you... I am currently on leave from work (stress). Things have been slowly getting better for me. I also needed a safe space to be in, so I decided to spend my days at college. I am also studying part time. In the time that I have been on leave, I have been talking to people about depression and mental illnesses and the responses were amazing. Some people I initially did not want to tell because I didn't know them that well, but they could detect something wrong with me, and so I opened up. And then I would get their own story - not "we all have bad days" but people like myself who had ideas of suicide. And it shows the importance of having a good support structure to help you (re me) through these times. I even spoke to my barber about it yesterday. But for the reality of the situation at the moment is existing, feeling like there are no real emotions in me. And at least with the advice from my psychologist and psychiatrist things are mending. It will take more time. Not like 2 minute noodles, when is ready (or fixed in the case of MI) before you can blink.

(At the moment, there is nary a cloud in the sky and the breeze sometimes turns into a gale. And stupid me is wearing a tee-shirt and shorts.)

Live in the city. My joke is I will be the one leaving home when the kids are old enough. I used to live in NQ, and went to the "big smoke" for Uni. That was when I moved out of home. My kids are in their final years in high school. One in his last year and the other in grade 10. My attitude with my kids is that as long as they try that is good enough. Forcing or coercion in my view does not work, whether in sport, school or elsewhere. Something I worked out along the way also (from ACT) was to move towards and not away from your values. That is something I am still working on.

Once a week, I have coffee with a guy who is supposed to be support for me. He is, but then also tells me about work. Which I am supposed to be avoiding at this time. The problem here is, they NEED me. Unfortunately! And he is the issue. Anxiety makes you worry and care too much and depressions says "I don't care whatsoever!".

So probably not much about me, except for my issues. Hope you have a good weekend.

Smallwolf/Tim