My son's death

[Charmie]

My 34 year old son died alone in his Sydney flat 8 weeks ago. He wasn't found for 6 days. I had sent him a harsh email about 'getting his act together' during that time so I thought he wasn't talking to me. I found out after he died that he had been using drugs (ice) for years. I have never felt such pain. I really cannot believe I will ever feel better. Everything reminds me of him. He was my only child and I don't have a partner. I feel like my personality has changed. I have so many of his belongings here and in other places but I cannot possibly face going through it now, or ever. Is this OK? He was a 'tech head' and kept every electronic device he could get his hands on. He was a very loving son and sent me many cards and notes over the years. I am crying writing this. What do people do with these things?

I have been to 3 counsellors who all say the same thing: you will feel better eventually. This doesn't help me because I can hardly bear each day, let alone weeks, months, years of this pain. I had so little empathy for other people before this happened: absolutely no idea about grief, so I guess that's one positive; I now have empathy. I can't believe the things some people survive. It gives me strength to hear their stories but it doesn't help my pain.

I would appreciate some advice about what I can do with his belongings. Thanks for listening.

[quirkywords]

Charmie,

I was so moved by reading your post. Thanks for your courage for writing this post.

8 weeks is very recent and you will be feeling raw and full of pain.

I can not understand the depth of your sadness as I have never experienced the loss of a child , but as a parent my heart breaks for you.

From talking to friends who have had an adult child die , I know that they allowed themselves time before going through their child's belongings.

Is there a reason that you need to go through his belongings now , or is it ok to leave it a while.

There is no right way to grieve as everyone grieves in their own way.

Are the counsellors specialising in grief?

Do you have any family or friends who can offer support?

Maybe in the future would you consider joining a grief support group for parents who have had a child die.

Quirky

[Ebi]

Dear Charmie,

I'm so sorry about your son's death. Your deep pain is clear and I can only start to imagine what you are going through.

I'm glad that you are reaching out to counsellors. Can I ask... Is there a reason why you have seen three different ones? Are you still looking for someone you connect well with? I can't help but think that when you find the right person, it will be good to have that continuity and consistency.

As for your son's possessions, I wonder if you could be helped by someone (a family member, or friend) to put them somewhere where you don't have to deal with them for a long time, until you feel up to it. It's possible that after a long time you might come to feel differently about some of the things but for now they are too painful a reminder of your son.

Please look after yourself and reach out for help as much as you can. Thinking of you, Ebi

[Beatit]

Dear Charmaine, I can't say much as I am not an expert or have no experience in what you are dealing with, but I want to tell you your story affected me and reinforced something often said, don't let the sun set on an argument, which I do find I am guilty of. So an important reminder to me not to hold on to anger, especially with people who are nearest and dearest to us. I sincerely hope you can find some peace. Take care.

[paddyanne]

Hi Charmie. Firstly may I offer my sincerest and deepest condolences on your loss. Losing a loved one, be it parent, or child, or sibling is hard. No-one knows exactly how anyone is supposed to feel or act. We all react to grief differently. Sending him that email, no doubt has made you question if... To be told you'll feel better soon, empty meaningless words. I'm not going to tell you you'll be right. All I can say is try to remember him as a loving child. The pain you're in is raw and will take time to ease. You'll never forget him, you bathed him, kissed away his hurts as a child, shared his joy, cried with him. The anger at his drug induced behavior hurt you more because you weren't able to stop him, no-one can stop anyone who is determined to use drugs. As far as his belongings, for now don't try to DO anything. I gather you have them. There is no hurry to dispose of anything, give yourself time to grieve and adjust to not having him. You will know when it's time. No-one can tell you when. It could be months. Hope this has helped.