My partner of 14 years is making my life very difficult and unhappy and sad.

[Farallon]

My partner is 68 yrs old and for many yrs now has become a curmudgeon, which concerns me deeply. He is retreating from social activities, he is not affectionate, not romantic. He is argumentative, and pursues relentlessly his opions and modus operandi without taking any prisoners, figuratively speaking, and without any consideration of my feelings. I am the collateral damage to his means. I have for many years let him do this without challenge as I care for him deeply and hoped that these traits would be few and far between therefore giving-in, with forgiveness, and just let him express himself. But now these traits are continuous and he never lets up, making me stressed and disappointed in his attitude towards me. The expression "That he must kill in order to eat", defines his attitude towards me precisely. He will risk our relationship by emotionally and mentally treating me cruelly so he can force his opinions upon me and ultimately force me to follow his ideas on how we should run our lives. i.e. the ultimate daily events that we follow are more important than the preservation of our long relationship. He cross-examines me constantly and I am not skilled enough to be able to resist his unreasonable force feeding of his insensitive strategies for his method of how our lives should operate. If I don't capitulate to his way of running our lives and his ideas he will badger & entrap me until I admit I'm wrong and he's got me to admit, that what I want to do is without merit or credibility. He will even humiliate me in front of acquaintances or strangers by forcing me to admit in their presence and declare that I defere to his accusation that I made a bad choice in overfilling the kettle or something as miniscule and trivial as that. He displays an arrogant opinion of himself and his ideas without consideration that we are a 50/50 partnership. It concerns me greatly as he is isolating himself from what can be a mutally beautiful respectful and loving kind relationship, something we all aspire to as we age. He is bullying me in order to dominate the relationship and never lets up on his inflexible way of how our lives should be run. He suffers from OCD, and this is escalating with age. Does the loss of testosterone cause aging men to become curmudgeons? I feel like I am in mourning at the loss of his affection and any generosity to respect me as a 50/50 partner. He holds grudges for a very long time if anyone defies his opinions or challenges him.

[spacemountain]

Hi Farallon,

I'm sorry you're going through that. From what you describe, I think he is being psychologically and emotionally abusive. The way he treats you is completely unacceptable and not excusable under any circumstance, regardless of whatever health conditions he may have. The early signs of dementia may cause symptoms like personality changes, depression, withdrawal, aggression... so this may be a contributing factor based on his age. But you say he's been this way for many years. Have you thought about leaving the relationship or living somewhere else? I think it's important to remove yourself from this situation.

Are you getting any help for your own mental health? It's a very distressing situation that you're in and you need to take care of yourself. I hope that you'll make an appointment with your GP and discuss what's going on.

[Doolhof]

Hi Farallon,

Welcome to the community here. I too would like to recommend that you have a chat to your Dr and maybe drag your husband along to an appointment so the Dr. can witness the behaviour of your husband. It may help you to see a counsellor to discuss what I happening.

It may also help to write down some of what has been and what does happen as a record.

My husband was like that when we were first married. Over time I learnt o say NO to him and slowly he seemed to respect that. He also went on some medication for depression and that helped him also.

When you are being verbally and emotionally abused, (which is not acceptable) would you feel brave enough to tell him to stop and if he does not to just walk away. A bully can have no affect on you when you walk away.

Please seek further help with this issue. No one deserves to be treated that way. Physiological and emotional abuse is abuse! It is not acceptable and is an offence. If you feel physically threatened, please call the Police.

Sometimes if we can stand up to bullies they do stop. Hope this is the case for you, or maybe he does have a medical condition that can be helped. A visit tot he Dr may be the first step.

All the best from Dools

[Farallon]

Thank you spacemountain! I will consider all your suggestions! FARALLON

[Farallon]

A great help Dools!!! Thank you for your suggestions, I will take up your ideas. Farallon

[geoff]

Hello Farallon, a warm welcome to the site.

I have to agree with both Spacemountain and Dools, the early signs of dementia can cause depression, anxiety, resistance to care, physical aggression, repetitious questioning, as well as difficulty concentrating and may take much longer to do things than what they did before.

That's why he is behaving like this, so it's verbal and emotional abuse and by having OCD at his age will definitely be more concentrated and prolific.

In our ageing life, we want peace and quiet, to love having any grandchildren over and to do what we want to do without any continuous harping, comments that only push us down, because we've had our whole life to go through all of this, now our regular routine should be in place, light and easy without any abuse, that's not what you want, it's certainly not what I want aged 63, unfortunately it still does every now and then, that's easier to cope with, rather than living with someone who constantly does it, I feel for you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Farallon]

Thank you Geoff for your encouraging words.

[Doolhof]

Hi Farallon,

Hopefully you are able to take your husband to the Dr. It is not easy for anyone to admit they are not coping or are struggling with something.

If your husband does have dementia your Dr will be able to help you decide what is best and how to prepare you both for what may happen next.

Some people with dementia do well on medications to help them feel more balanced.

Wishing you both all the best.

Cheers from Dools