my introduction

[molly101]

Hi,

I get angry with myself for being self absorbed but I go in circles because then I feel pathetic and dislike myself more. I am very conscious of people who have more reason to feel down.

I do try to help myself by doing things like eating well and exercising. Today I signed up for some volunteering because I want to take my focus off myself but I seem to take 1 step forward and 2 steps back. I have been arguing with my teenage daughter, mostly because she is showing the same passive aggressive traits that I have and I hate that I am not a good role model for her & after an argument tonight I found myself here. Despite planning for a positive day I am miserable again & looking for something to get me out of this cycle. I cant keep doing this, she is sitting exams this year & I am supposed to be her support. I am angry that she will have these memories of me in the future, I know that is narcissistic & I am so embarrassed by these thoughts that I cant face telling a doctor knowing that they would see through this self absorption & be thinking how weak I am.

I am worried about trying antidepressants as employers ask whether you have been on them & also I have 2 sisters that are on antidepressants & I don't see them working for them. One sister has recently been placed under guardianship & diagnosed with personality disorder aged 58 after the death of my Mum this year. This was a long time coming as she has placed a lot of stress on our family for many years. I have no contact with any of my siblings after mum's death for reasons anybody would acknowledge as understandable, I wont go into detail but I am also very conscious of the fact that I have difficulty dealing with people, have no friends and have a fragile relationship with my daughter and husband.

I have always considered myself a bit odd and suffer anxiety and social awkwardness but try to fight it by throwing myself in the deep end. I struggle to stay in a job or keep a friend or accomplish anything. I have done a lot of things in my past that I am ashamed of & now I am inflicting my miserableness on other people & it has to stop.

I do not usually talk about myself like this, in fact I make a conscious effort not to. I have just read over this post & realise how trite & wishy washy it sounds & people are probably thinking I am just fishing for sympathy but I am going to post it anyway as sending it out to the air helps & hopefully someone will help me to put things in perspective .

[geoff]

dear Molly, please first of all can I say that you're not weak, that's this illness telling you this, and once it begins to happen it gains pace with everything adding onto it.
It's not easy being a parent with an adolescent especially at a time when she is sitting for exams, because her anxiety maybe happening, just as it is for you, and no doctor would think otherwise.
Molly all of us have done things in the past that we're not too happy about, I certainly have, but life is constantly changing, we have new ideas, new interests and make decisions that we would never believe we could make, that's life as we get older, it has to change.
No one who posts on this site should ever feel guilty, there is a reason why you/they do and a reason why we reply, simply because it's basically no different to what we have been through.
AD's are prescribed to give people another chance at life, it brings you out of the dark and into the light, sure it might not happen straight away but they have an enormous job to do, so give yourself a chance and book in to see your doctor, they will start you off on a low dosage just to see what effects they are doing to help you. Geoff.

[solabear]

Welcome Molly, and good on you sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. Your post doesn't sound wishy washy, it sounds as you are struggling like many of us and need support. Have you tried counselling before? and I agree with Geoff about AD might help as well. Your GP can help you with a mental health plan, and you can have 10 sessions a year with a psychologist on medicare. You might benefit from talking to a professional and learning some coping skills. It's not easy to be a mother and we all need support sometimes, and we are here to listen and we understand.

I want you to know that your feelings are validated and there is nothing to be ashamed of. I hope to hear from you again and I hope this was helpful to you at least a little bit.

Hugs from Slola

[molly101]

Thanks for your helpful words Geoff, it was good to get my thoughts out there even if I do feel like I am using you all in a weak attempt to make myself feel better. I am reading so many stories from people who are genuinely doing it tough out there and my situation has been mostly created by myself. I feel that I am not trying hard enough to get a back bone and get myself out of this situation of my own making. I defer professional help because I wonder if I am just sad and wasting peoples time. But here I go around again and I know I have to do something other than go blah blah at you good people knowing that I will cycle out of this mood yet again, promising myself that I wont do it any more. It would be good to get to a stage where, like you, I can be of some worth and help others on this forum instead of just dwelling on my self. I appreciate your taking the time to read my post and comment and give me a dose of reality.

[molly101]

Hi Sola, thanks for responding to my post it is much needed. I have responded to Geoff above so I wont go on and on rambling anymore. I will just try to have a good day today and send out grateful thanks for all the good people in the world like yourself. Have yourself a wonderful day and know that you are very thoughtful and caring person to take the time to reach out to a post that must sound very shallow and indulgent. I will be ok. Best of luck to you.

[solabear]

Oh.. Molly, you can rant as much as you need. It's good that you want to help yourself, but you shouldn't beat yourself up or put pressure on yourself to feel better. Sometimes we have to allow ourselves to feel unwell or weak and it's ok to to vulnerable. Please write as often as you need, that's what the forum is all about. And there is no pressure here to reply to others or helping others if you are not well enough to do it.

The most important thing is you getting better at the moment. I've mentioned GP and psychologist in my previous post and I really think that you should give it a try. It could mean a big difference in your recovery. I know you want to do this on your own, but you don't have to. And sometimes we can't do it on our own, we need the help of others including professional help and there is nothing wrong with that.

You are a valuable human being Molly and you deserve the help and support.

Keep us posted, I look forward to hearing from you soon. And remember ....you worth it.

Hugs from Sola xx