My humble introduction

JimmyEff · ‎17-09-2018

Hi all, I have been dealing with depression for a few years now.

I'm in my mid 30's, and have spent nearly half my life with someone who I thought I'd spend my life with. She left because she wasn't 'in love' with me anymore, because I have struggled to deal with things. Like a lot of people, if you met me you wouldn't have a clue. I put on a brace face, one which hides a lot of sorrow. Everyone who we met thought we were newly weds even after 6+ years of marriage. We don't have any children.

I'm not sure if this is the place to get into why I feel the way I do. I've had suicidal thoughts many times. Sometimes I feel I'm one strike away from doing it. Sometimes on my hour long drive home from work I cry nearly all the way home. On the outside, I'm reasonably successful, have a large social calendar and can get along with nearly anyone. I even have a large following on social media which I've been tempted to one day just tell my story in the hope I'll feel better afterwards and maybe it would help someone else. Who knows...

I'm scared of what people will think of me. How they will pity me, or tip toe around me in case they upset me.

But as for now, I have no wife and no family of my own. I have friends which I don't even know if they are really my friends. Not friends enough to be able to confide in anyway. My parents don't really take my feelings seriously which is half the problem. My wife knows and cares deeply, but leaving me made it even worse. I don't know where I'm going with this introduction... Just kind of letting parts out as it comes. I have a friend who's the only one I've confided in. Because she too feels the same way about herself and she confided in me. We try and help each other out when we can.

I'm trying to get fit. Hoping that one day someone else can love me too. But it's hard. I don't meet many women in my line of work. Socially, a lot of the people I meet are a lot younger than me. Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life? Who knows. I'm trying. I've seen a Psych for a few sessions, but it didn't really help. I need to see someone else. I came here hoping to help myself, and maybe others if I can. But is that the blind leading the blind? Who knows...

Ok, I've rambled on long enough. Hi!

Doolhof · ‎19-09-2018

Hi JimmyEff,

I would like to offer you a sincere welcome to the forum and the community here. As a person who has suffered from severe depression and suicidal ideation for ages with a couple of close calls lately, I would like to say I understand some of what you are going through.

It does sound like your wife leaving has certainly added to the depression and suicidal thoughts.

I am wondering if you would consider using the Beyondblue phone help service on 1300 22 4636. I connected with one guy there recently who really helped me. Other times I call and hung up before I talk to anyone as I am so distraught. The service is available 24/7 and can help!

It can be difficult deciding to open up to others about your struggles. Some people will run away, some may treat you like you have leprosy, some will want to help and others will just have no idea what to do.

The beyondblue web site has some helpful information on depression and suicide, I would like to encourage you to have a look at that.

People here will certainly understand what you are going through! I hope you feel you are able to connect here, that you feel your thoughts and feelings are acknowledged and validated!

You do not have to be alone in this!

Try another psych. I have finally found a person who is helping me. Maybe write down what you need and what your expectations are before you see someone else so you can tell them what you require. Tell them what hasn't helped in the past!.

Wishing you all the best from Dools

JimmyEff · ‎19-09-2018

Thanks Doolhof, appreciate the reply. It's tough. She wants to come back and try again. But I was so hurt she gave up. I don't blame her that she did it. But now asking to come back just ruins everything again... I need something to look forward to again.

Doolhof · ‎22-09-2018

Hi JimmyEff,

That makes it all a little complicated for you! One thing I try when I can't make up my mind about something is to write down the pros and the cons. I make a list of every possible angle that I can consider and then decide what might work.

Is it possible to have a friendship without her moving in? Would that work for you or would you need the whole thing or nothing at all?

There may be no guarantee things will go well, or it might be a move in the right direction.

If she does return, it may be beneficial to set boundaries, to tell her what you expect, what you will accept and what you don't want to happen.

Relationships are not easy are they!

Wishing you well in deciding what you want to do and how to move forward.

Cheers from Dools