My depressed husband has moved out and says he doesn’t love me

[Struggling1]

Hi I am really struggling we found out my husband has depression we found out a few months ago. He went on medication for 3 months however they were not working much so they changed them again and now he is on his 3rd medication which he has been taking for a week. He has lost love for all his passions and he has lost love for me. He has been saying he wants to move out to get himself right. A week ago the doctor told him he has had the depression for the last few years. We have been married 22 years with one child, we have been through a lot in our marriage but always got through things together. He moved out a week ago and I supported him as he said he wants to get himself get better to come back to us. Now he is saying I don’t love you I feel nothing for you and is talking about ending our marriage. I still love him and want to help him but he is just pushing me away. He even said to me even if my depression gets better he may still not love me or come back to me and that really hurts. It feels like he has given up on us and he says he can’t deal with this depression anymore he is over it. Please any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[therising]

Hi Struggling1

My heart truly goes out to you during this incredibly challenging time. Support for you is terribly important as is a continuing sense of self-love, as opposed to self-doubt.

Speaking from personal experience, depression can be a cruel and torturous state of mind, leaving us feeling disconnected from just about everything and everyone. A lot of the happiness, love, connectedness chemistry going on up there in the brain ceases to function at optimal levels. Seeing depression often comes with such a feeling of solitude, the world can often be shut out.

Having lived with depression for a number of years, I finally became free from it over a decade ago and I can tell you that the difference (in mindset) is like night and day. We can become like entirely different people until healing takes place. Just a suggestion but perhaps if you connect with your husband simply as a friend, he may receive you differently. In your mind you can still hold onto the marriage but, in considering his mind, you can allow him to see you as a support system, with no expectation.

Doing a little of your own research on the workings of depression may help you see things through his eyes a little better. It's difficult to relate to something when we don't understand it. Understanding/education is key to helping someone through the challenges of mental illness. Don't give up hope Struggling1 and it's an incredibly hard ask but don't take how he see's the world personally. If the analogy helps - Whilst your vision of life may be 20/20, his vision is blurred. Whether it relates to glasses or medication, the right prescription can be a trial and error thing in an effort to provide greater clarity.

Take good care of yourself

[Croix]

Dear Struggling1~

It is an incredibly upsetting and worrying time for you. At least here you can voice your concerns and see how others have got on. I would imagine apart from worrying about your husband's condition and how he will get on you may also be at a loss to know if your relationship is really at and end. If your husband's experience is like mine things do get better.

When I've been in a depressed state the whole world appears hopeless, contact with people is a great source of pressure, there is a desire to be alone and not deal with people or things, and exhaustion takes over. Most importantly one loses the ability to see oneself.

One loses the knowledge of what one liked or enjoyed, what one thought about things, and who one loved. In face I ended up doubting I was even capable of love. I ended up thinking my family would be better off without me.

Knowing what to do in these circumstances is hard. Looking back to my own experiences I'd say two of the most important things you can do are firstly to encourage your husband to get as much medical support as possible, and keep going with it even if initial results are disappointing, or make things worse.

Treatment is a matter of trial and error, some meds work well, others have a negative or neutral effect. The main thing is to keep supplying the treating practitioner with constant feedback so alternatives can be tried. It took a very long time before a suitable effective regimen was found for me, and before that things were not good.

Secondly I found was the knowledge my partner was going to be there made a huge difference, partly as an extra load of responsibility true, - but also as a comfort and measure of security. How to get this across without inadvertently adding pressure is something my wife had to find out via trial and error, a hard thing as I was not consistent and would react well one day, and with hostility or resentment the next.

The good news in my case is that I improved - even though there have been ups and downs, and returned to the loving relationship I had before. In very large measure a tribute to my partner's love,patience and strength.

You are going though a terrible time and I'd like to ask if there is anyone there to support and care for you? Even having someone to talk frankly with does help. My partner had her mum close by and this made a lot of difference, both emotionally and practically.

You know you are most welcome it talk here as often as you would like.

Croix

[Struggling1]

Thank you for your replies. It means so much to know there are people that care and want to help.

I am also concerned because just before we found out about the depression he was messaging another woman, I get that he probably didn’t understand what he was feeling and was confused because of the emptiness.

He stopped when I found out, and he has said he has no contact with her at all. But the way he is acting now makes me wonder ok is he saying he doesn’t love me or feel anything because of the depression or because he thinks he can be happier with someone else.

He is 43 could it be mid life crisis as well. When I talk to people about it they say oh he has someone else for sure. But I see he is struggling but I don’t know why it seems he has giving up on us. Could it be the depression is worse because his medication is not right yet???

My son was crying last night and wanted his Dad to promise him he will come home, but he couldn’t promise him.

We had a chat and said we will just give it time, while he takes his meds and goes to therapy.

Its just that some days I am hopeful but other days are hard and feels like he doesn’t want to fight to come back. I understand it is really hard on him too and don’t want to put any more pressure on him as that’s why he moved out in the first place.

How long did it take you to recover from depression, did you move out?

[Croix]

Dear Struggling~

No I did not move out, frankly it never occurred to me. I used to retreat, but to another room and close the door. There I would basically just exist, not doing anything until I had to go to work or such. Also I never had any interest in another woman, which does not mean anything much, we all are different. I'd not take a great deal of notice of people saying what he has or has not done unless they know from actual personal experience.

I don't think you can take my timescale as any sort of guide. I had/have PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression. I kept working without proper treatment until things came to a stop. Not getting appropriate medical support was a big mistake and I simply kept on getting worse. It made me that much harder to treat.

Medication is a tricky trial and error deal. I'm pleased with them now and live a pretty reasonable life as a result, however in the past I can remember where they made things a fair bit worse, though mostly the changes did not do much at all. So I don't know, your partner's reaction could indeed be to medication I guess.

Seeing your son crying and not being able to give the comfort you would like to is so hard, I realy feel for you. As for your partner not fighting, again it is hard to judge, sometimes just existing could be hard enough. As I mentioned my love for my family returned.

I wish I had more concrete answers for you, all one can do is go with one's best guess. Is there anyone for you to lean on?

Croix