Mum of 4, want to run away

[mrsh]

I'm a married mum of 4 children age approx 2-11. I do 1 day/week paid work, so am mostly a stay at home mum.

I feel increasingly less able to cope with normal life. I'm sick of it and want to run away. I wouldn't do that because I don't want to hurt my husband and my kids need me(sort of). I don't trust myself either! Sometimes I have dark thoughts, but am good at shutting them down quickly.

I don't understand why I have no motivation for tidying or making proper meals. I used to be able to do those! Maybe only when I had 2 kids. It's getting worse. Now I rarely seem to be able to do the laundry. I used to enjoy laundry! It is an overwhelming task.

I find myself doing things to escape from real life and my feelings - window shopping, phone games, movies, emotional eating. Escaping makes it worse due to wasted time that could be better spent.

I'm sick of making school lunches, I'm sick of children complaining they don't like dinner, I'm sick of getting to school late. I'm sick of telling the kids a thousand times to put something away, I'm sick of behaviour issues with my 10 year old.

My husband helps out practically, but he works long hours too, so I feel guilty when he helps. He seems to help begrudgingly too. Our relationship is okay, but we are more like housemates than husband and wife. We talk, but not about anything important.

I feel my family would be better off if I wasn't around. They would be happier with a mum and wife who was motivated to do everything I should be able to do. If I spent all day everyday trying to look after my family and house I would still be falling so far below the mark, so why even try to do that when it's an impossible task.

Am I lacking self disciple (to do my jobs at home, look after the kids properly, eat right) or do I have some type of depression? Am I a spoilt brat? Am I burnt out from it all? I don't recall ever being semi on top of things with 4 children. Maybe I was with 3? It should be getting easier now the youngest is getting older, but it's not.

When I think something could help - getting meals delivered, hiring a nanny or someone to help me declutter I always give up because it will be too expensive. That won't fix inside my head anyway. I pray about my problem, but am struggling!

I don't know where to go from here. I don't want my dominate thought to be that I want to run away from it all! I am very blessed and have a lot of good things going for me, yet I feel like I just want to escape my life.

[Dr_Kim]

Hi mrsh, the feelings of wanting to run away are really common. There's two parts to it:
1. Avoidance (anxiety makes us believe that this is a great management tool when in fact it usually is the worst thing we can do )
2. Fantasies from the child side of our brain. This side of our brain is the part that doesn’t want the responsibility of taking care of others and at best wants to be taken care of, or at least just wants to be left alone.

I think the fact that you feel this is a sign that you are stressed and not attending to your own self well enough. Of course this may be totally understandable with 4 young children, that you are time poor and feel like you are always putting out for the needs of others. In order to address the balance, you may need to strengthen yourself first.

You know how in airplane, when the cabin pressure drops, they say to fit your own oxygen mask on first before attending to children. Well I think that applies in life too. You need to attend to your own self worth and value first before you can attend to that of your children, or else you may end up feeling angry, resentful, conflicted and anxious. So it may be time to really think about what it is that makes you feel like you. Instead of doing activities that help you escape your life ( window shopping, Phone games etc) maybe think of something you might like to do that helps you feel IN your life and more YOU.

Did you ever have ambitions? Hobbies? Creative Outlets? Career ambitions? Study ideas? If you are stuck …maybe explore some things at the School of life website to inspire you to think more deeply about these things - https://www.theschooloflife.com/melbourne/ ( look at he Book of Life tab) or something like http://www.lanewaylearning.com/ might be of interest for you.

I also highly recommend a mindfulness programme like an App such as Headspace or if you can manage to go to a group, something like Open Ground is great. http://www.openground.com.au/

I don’t think you are lacking self discipline, but I wonder if you are lacking self. It is not unusual for it to be buried under 4 kids and the laundry! But maybe go and see if you can find it!

If you are still struggling, please contact a counsellor for help. Contrary to the avoidance message in your head, abandoning your children will almost NEVER be the best solution.

[Ellu]

Dear mrsh,

I can identify with everything you say, everything. I was a mother of 4 children under 5 (they are in their 20s and 30s now) and while at first I rose to the challenge and tried to be Supermum it eventually all got on top of me. I know exactly whet you mean about school lunches - I used to stand there with the boxes open and not be able to think of what to put in them. I would open my eyes in the morning and I would have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach because I just couldn't face another day. I used to get through to day like a robot - shop, clean, get dinner ready...I felt like one of those mice on a treadmill frantically running around and getting no-where.

I also had dark thoughts, I know what dark thoughts you are talking about.I guess I just wanted to escape, I felt so bad all the time.

What happened to me was that in the end I went to my GP and he diagnosed Depression and put me on medication. Psychiatric medication takes a few weeks to work, so you have to be patient.In the end I ended up with a psychiatrist who has treated me for the past 20 years. I suggest that you look at some of the information on the beyondblue website and see whether you recognise some of the symptoms. I would very strongly suggest that you go to your GP - I don't think you are just run down with the children, I have a feeling there is something else going on, and the good news is that it is treatable.

If you have any more dark thoughts give the beyondblue helpline a call on 1300 22 4636 (24 hours/7 days) I really feel for you in your situation as I have been through exactly the same thing. There are many people at beyondblue who will chat with you and give you support. I hope you will go to the GP. All my very best wishes,

Ellu