Me

[owaf]

Hello All,

My name is, I am a, I have been.

I am struggling with perspective, I have been trained to believe life is;

1. Start a career - OK, done, no idea if I earn enough, salary seems to be a taboo subject to a lot of people. I earn more than some and less than others
2. Find someone to love - No luck, don't meet many new people
3. Buy a house - Will do once house prices go down
4. Have children - kinda need point 2
5. Retire - Should have fulfilled all of the above

I don't know if I have any real questions or answers anymore, I'm just here.

Regards,

Once was a...

[Croix]

Dear Owaf~

Well, let me make you feel welcome here in the beyondblue support forum. People come here for lots of reasons and you are not alone in being unsure of what you want or expect.

The thing that stands out to me is that your seen disaffected or remote. If I've guessed what owaf stands for it's somewhat ironic. So a sense of humor, intelligence and puzzlement. Beyond that I'm a little stumped how to reply. Perhaps I should look at your list.

The first thing that strikes me is that I've never found my whole life to be a set of goals, just living. Goals seem somewhat soulless. The second this is you seen to have missed all the good and fun bits out. Reading, accomplishment, movies, love, sharing, people, food, sex, .... (yes this list is very incomplete and personal - all in no particular order too)

A career - needs to be fulfilling, for me worth-while, enjoyable, interesting. Money? If you can pay your rent, food, utilities plus a bit more then you are probably doing OK, never mind the next person.

Someone to love - and be loved. No use doing this to check a box, but if you need this then use effort and ingenuity to find that someone - I did, worked just fine. You sound youngish, so plenty of time.

Children - a two-way deal, children have parents too. You might like having kids, you might not.

Retire -I was 'retired' . Not good, I keep working one way or another.

I freely admit the above is filled with assumptions and guesswork. It's designed to give you the opportunity to talk. To break the ice, that's all.

We are a friendly and caring lot and have a very wide set of experiences (we are also non-judgmental). We would like to give you whatever sort of a hand you might need. This includes thoughts and feelings that are as serious as such things can get -or just a chat.

Please come back and say more

Croix

[owaf]

Owaf just stands for once was a fool, no hidden meanings but something of a reminder.

I'm not sleeping very well (waiting to see specialist again) which aggrevates things.

[Croix]

Dear Owaf~

And there was me thinking it stood for oh what a feeling 😐

Well, I'm glad you came back. Sometimes people find it very hard to do so for all sorts of reasons. One of the worst is not imagining it can actually do good to interact.

I can relate to lack of sleep, and in fact it is only in the last few years I've come to not mind going to bed, mainly because my sleep problems are finally sorted. I guess I sleep well more nights than not nowadays.

Being a fool is something I'd like to avoid, though I don't seem to have that one sorted to the same extent. I've pushed people away, I've taken action when I shouldn't, didn't when I should and the list goes on. I'll remember owaf, I think it will come in handy.

I've PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression, all started when I was a policeman. Would you like to return the courtesy and say a little more about you, you life, perhaps the specialist, what you like in life, whatever you feel will make talking easier and more meaningful?

As you can see I'm not that good at guessing, and getting it wrong won't help. And help is something just about all of us here want to do - and need to do too.

Croix

[owaf]

Hi Croix,

Not a toyota fan.

I have a few sleeping disorders (insomnia, severe sleep apnea), cpap machine isnt helping, stressful times also makes things harder.

Owaf is a reminder and I like to focus in past tense, a temporary fool at times but no harm.

PSTD, unipolar, recovering agoraphobic, none are descriptive, I primarily struggle meeting new people and have a tendency to let people go.

I work as a software developer, possibly on things you may be familiar with 😛 I like puzzles and spend time doing too many things at once like watching tv and playing guitar, cant really play anything but its a nice way to get over being a perfectionist.

Im either in a dark mood or lost in thought

[Croix]

Dear Owaf~

I wish I could play an instrument, I tried one when I was stuck and had time, used a keyboard with the letters on it, and scores that also had letters too, ended up playing the melodies of a couple of pieces, but it never went further (got remarried instead, which I found somewhat more satisfying:)

One thing I've used to distract, take me away, settle me, is a free smartphone app called Smiling Mind. Takes practice but does help a fair bit.

If you don't mind my asking are you under any treatment for the PTSD, agoraphobia and unipolar? I have had an awful lot over a very long time, found it essential, would not be here except for that - and my wife's support.

What sort of puzzles?

'night

Croix

[owaf]

Damn flu, I've been in a haze for days, hopefully going back to work tomorrow after a good nights sleep.

Will give Smiling Mind a go before going to bed.

Cognitive behavioural therapy, seeing a psychologist once a month at the moment but have had various therapies over the past 15+ years (turning 33 soon). Dont find therapy or talking to help much but thats more to do with struggling to change bad behaviour, im not a social creature so its hard to get out there and meet new people.

Puzzles vary, learning guitar is a puzzle but I have the standard rubik's cube/clock/pyramid, metal rings and just got a lock picking kit because it is interesting.

I had a panic/dark period over balding, been shaving/trimming my head off and on for years but there are times where just looking at the baldspot puts me in a very bad frame of mind, nothing in particular and I'm sure I'd obsess oversomething else. Exasperated by the flu and lack of quality sleep, makes sleeping with a cpap machine increasingly difficult.

[Croix]

Dear Owaf~

I'm pleased you are back. Having the flu is not going to leave you in the sharpest of minds for software development I guess, can you coast for a while?

I've been doing a fairly big IT related project for several months now, it's sort of come together this month which means patching the unexpected and documentation -sigh. Actually it's amusing, I used to teach IT and watched the students always do their flow-charts and program plans last after completing their work:) I never did convince all of them that writing it up was a good half of it.

I guess if you find interacting with people wearing then not going out of oyu way to meet new ones, or even letting ones you know drift is not at all surprising. Perhaps you are a person who is only comfortable with a very few.As I mentioned Smiling Mind is good -well at least for me. I had CBT of a sort for a while

[Croix]

Um -my half written post just posted itself, so I suppose I will have to continue on in Son of Post here. If this one vanishes the same way I wonder what I'll call the next installment - Son of Post Director's Cut maybe?

Anyway CBT was interesting but for some reason I did not relate that well, plus I don't think it was nearly as intense as some I've heard about. Still I've had a rich variety of treatments and meds, a rather mixed bunch, undoubtedly they have helped enormously over the years.

You said CBT was not that good a fit either, any idea what was the mismatch for you? In 15 years do you think there has been an approach that has been more useful?

I don't suppose it much good my saying being bald is no biggie, and as you say (and like me) one would have something else to worry about, I worry I'm going to run out of ideas and my memory will get worse.

Lock picking sounds interesting - though it could be misunderstood - at least in my old occupation:) I'd have thought electronic aids would have taken much of the puzzle out of it nowadays.

I hope you get to sleep easier.

Croix