Lost in the crowd..

TiredMamma · ‎01-07-2019

It's taken me a long time to come on here at all, let alone post anything. I don't even know where to start. I feel so lost most days. I've been trying this mum thing for 14 months now and I don't feel any more successful most days, than when she was first born. Some days.. most days, I feel like I'm not cut out to be a mum. Like maybe my decision to have kids was purely based on infatuation. I've always wanted to get married and have kids. It's the life I was born into and have always known yet now I'm here, I honestly can't understand why I'm not happy. I suffered, and believe I am still suffering from Post Natal Depression, but when does it stop being PND and start being just how things are now? I don't want to feel like this anymore. I get upset or angry at the drop of a hat. I'm constantly run down and exhausted beyond belief. And I feel like I'm becoming more and more resentful of my husband, no matter what he does. He's a good man. He does more than his share at home. But for some reason whatever he does, it's wrong. I don't know when or why I became this overbearing aggressive person and I don't know how to get out of it before I really destroy things. I feel like I'm 99% of the problem with us struggling financially as I resigned from my job last year, to get a payout to cover my husband's leave without pay over Christmas. Now I'm not working and struggling to find a job, despite my extensive experience and study. It all makes me feel like I'm a useless house ornament.. how do I get my head back into life and motivated to move, instead of feeling like life is happening around me while I'm frozen here??

Ebi · ‎01-07-2019

TiredMamma,

I hear you. I'm a tired mumma too. There's so much I want to respond but I can't get it all out right now...

Just wanted to say, you are not alone. Mothering is demanding and tiring and difficult (it's lots of good things too). Your little girl is fortunate to have a caring, loving mother. But you don't have to love doing it all the time...

I think your current state (irritable, exhausted and resentful) shows that you need help. A GP can be a really good place to start... My GP has been great, seeing me every couple of weeks to check in, problem-solve, explore treatment options including medication and seeing a psychologist. Do you have GP that you trust? It's okay if not because I think GPs' training in PND must be getting better and likely you'll find a supportive ear no matter who you see.

You do not have to be this way forever and you won't be. But I totally get the irritability and resentment... To the very depths of my being I get it. I have found talking to other mums really helpful too.

Also, it sounds like you quit your job to facilitate your husband's time off...I hope that you are guys are able to tackle this situation (PND, unemployment) as a team both practically and emotionally. It's really important!

Thinking of you, Ebi

TiredMamma · ‎01-07-2019

Thanks Ebi. I really appreciate your support. I think I'll try a different GP and I've already researched psychologists in my area so hope to see someone soon. Despite not having a job, I can never seem to find any time for anything but in hindsight so much of my time is taken up by overthinking and unproductive to-ing and fro-ing about pretty much everything. Even doing housework is virtually impossible at times, and constant procrastination is crippling. My hubby unfortunately has been forced into holidays a few times at this job and as he's casual, he doesn't get any pay. It puts us into a really hard situation every time but it's really hard to find more reliable work for hubby, let Line anything for me

Ebi · ‎02-07-2019

I'm so glad to hear that you're looking into support options.

We've had financial strain too and it just adds to the load so much!

It sounds like the procrastinating could be due to difficulty thinking clearly, which is another aspect of depression/PND... I've had that too and it's horrible because it can trigger that false narrative about being unsuccessful and useless. Not good!

I think staying as connected as possible to the people you love is important, but so hard when feeling this way.

I have tried to find tiny glimmers and moments of pleasure and joy, no matter how fleeting. There is a thread on here called Three things to be grateful for. And I found it so helpful. At first it was just glancing out the window and noticing a beautiful cloudscape... But I'm finding more things as I get better and better.

I'll keep looking out for your messages, Ebi

TiredMamma · ‎04-07-2019

That sounds like a good way to start to heal. I will have to have a look at that thread. I'm curious though.. How do you get through these long nights that get harder and harder (teething, sickness etc) and still like your child? I mean that in the best way.. I am struggling so much to want to spend time with her/ be around her when I'm feeling more and more burnt out. I love her so much but I can feel so detached sometimes, like I could just walk out the door and be fine (although, the feeling would be very temporary and I would actually miss her). The feeling seems so definite at the time though.. I hate how up and down my emotions have become. I'm unsure what Avenue to take with this as I've never taken any medication for anxiety or depression but maybe it's time? I guess I'm just worried about being completely numbed and senseless, although I know it isn't like that for everyone. Fear of the unknown I guess.. I know exercise would help too but again, no time to myself to even think, let alone exercise. It's really hard at the moment ☹️

Ebi · ‎04-07-2019

I'm sorry to hear that it is really hard at the moment. It's a very difficult space to be in, especially when you've got to keep looking after a little one.

What works for me in getting through the nights... Well, if I've had a bad night or two, now I'll just tell my supports (husband, mum) that I need to have a daytime nap. Do you have someone who can help you have this kind of break? Is hubby able to? Does your daughter go to childcare at all? Or is she maybe able to start?

I haven't really explained my situation... I've got a 7 month old, and 3&3/4 year old (and a 19 year old, but that's another story!) So the nearly 4 year old goes to childcare 2 days a week. My hubby is at home so I often leave the baby with him in the mornings and take the nearly 4 year old to playgroup, etc. The 7 month old has started drinking from a cup so she can get milk from hubby now, thank goodness!

I also don't feel guilty about complaining about motherhood, and I do it regularly with other mum friends, which helps relieve the pressure in my head.

I am on medication. I don't find it numbing, I find it helps me to do the things I need to do to feel better, like go for a walk, get stuff done...

Finally, if you're not coping or happy with how your daughter is sleeping at night, maybe you could get some help from a parenting centre or advice line about how to get her to sleep more... At 14 months you could expect to be having reasonable nights by now. And to be honest, you need and deserve them! Chronic sleep deprivation is torture! I'm about to get tough on my 7 month old about giving me more sleep at night because I know I'll cope heaps better during the day if I'm better rested.

Do any of these ideas sound like they might work for you?

Thinking of you, Ebi

TiredMamma · ‎04-07-2019

We're in a tough situation for a number of reasons.. we're currently a single income family, with an unfortunately large amount of debt, so don't have the money to spare to send our daughter to daycare, despite the rebates, which would relieve a lot of my stress. To afford to do so, I need a job but again I'm struggling to get one. I've spoken to a recruitment agency and my resume and cover letter are great but unemployment is at an all time high.. bubs is usually a great sleeper but teething and illness over the past couple of months have meant things have declined in our household- sleep, motivation, patience etc. I feel like I'm stuck in a constant cycle of need. Need a job, more money, time apart from bubs through childcare or whatever, time to breathe. I feel like I'm being crushed by responsibility and dependence. And all I want to do is switch off or run away. I have contemplated leaving more than once in the last few days and it's not out of hatred or anything. It's out of the need for space and some time to think, but also the thought that my family would be better off without me, which in the current state I'm in with a very short fuse, I still100% believe it's true. I just don't know where to go. I don't know what facilities are available to get decent help. I need more than just an appointment 😔

Ebi · ‎04-07-2019

One thing I have realised over these last difficult months, is that many more people probably want to help you than you realise. It can be hard to ask for help but... Is there anyone around you who might be able to give you a hand by looking after your daughter for a few hours so you can have some time to yourself?

I absolutely recognise that feeling of 'being crushed by responsibilty and dependence' and wanting to 'switch off or run away'. Over the last 7 months I have, at times, felt like going to the airport and catching a plane to anywhere, walking out on my family, getting hospitalised for some minor illness, or giving my children away to someone. Just the strong need to get away and get some space! It's not a great headspace...

I don't know what kind of services can give you the practical help you need... Are you already getting everything you might be entitled to from Centrelink?

Thinking of you, Ebi

TiredMamma · ‎06-07-2019

It is really hard to ask for help.. Mum and Dad live around the corner from us and we do go see them a lot. Mum's not able to have her for a full day yet as she's pretty hard work (mum isn't able to do things like lifting her a lot and she is a hell of a wriggler) I can ask for a couple of hours here and there but I don't do it often. It's hard to ask as again, I don't want to feel like a burden.
My in-laws take her once a week for a full day usually, but were away for the last 8 weeks so they've just had her for a day recently.
I've felt like leaving and not coming back because I know my husband is here and I just feel like I'm no good here anymore. I feel like I'm damaging my relationship with my husband and I feel like I'm not raising my daughter right.. I'm constantly told I'm a good mum but I can't see that. I know I'm trying my hardest but then in the times when I'm getting frustrated and yell or lose my cool, I feel like all the good things I'm doing no longer matter..
I'm at the point I want to go to hospital or a facility to stay to have my mental health properly assessed. I just feel like I can't be at home.

Ebi · ‎09-07-2019

It sounds like you are not in a good head space at all... How have you gone with getting in to see a GP and a psychologist? They are there to help you through this... Please go and see them.

It's hard when your support network is out of action for a while... These last 8 weeks without the in-laws must have been very difficult! What do you usually do on your one day off a week? It's important to use that time to nurture your well-being... When I was really bad all I did on my days away from the 3&1/2-year-old, was sleep when the baby slept and take her for a walk when she was awake. That was it. It was very healing.

How have you been since your last post?