Looking after myself seems too hard

[KarenM]

Hi Im new here. I just need some advice. Im dealing with a lot at the moment, more than i can actually cope with. I am trying to support my 2 teens through their own mental health issues (we have just started conselling for them) but Im struggling on my own to keep them safe and work full time. I have my own issues that keep popping up when i feel very stressed and then i cant focus on anything. Im still trying to adapt to life without my husband (he passed away just over 2 years ago). I feel like giving up as its just too hard i have a supportive family but dont like burdenoing them, i am trying to stay positive but its all so hard. Sometimes I have very negative thoughts, they are just thoughts but it really annoys me, i dont know the right way to process them so i think i just push them aside . I simply cant go into all the things going on for me right now on here as there are so many. Sorry to kind of just put this up here without lots of explanation, i think it helps to try and write down my thoughts. I would love to hear from others who are trying to help their kids through grief and anxiety or someone who might just want to listen and help.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Karen,

I’m deeply sorry for the loss of your husband. That must have been devastating for you and your family...

You have so much juggle so no wonder you’re sounding so exhausted, down and overwhelmed. Adjusting to life without your husband must have been (be) so difficult and perhaps very lonely at times...

I think it shows what a wonderful and loving parent you are to support your children to start counselling. You sound like a beautiful person and parent to me...

I get what you mean by feeling conflicted about reaching out to the rest of your family. So I was thinking an alternative might be seeking your own counselling. Your children have their counsellors so maybe you can have your own counsellor too (or psychologist).

This way, you’ll have a safe space just for you to receive support and to say whatever you like plus learn new coping strategies. Sorry if I’m telling you things you already know about but I feel booking an extended appointment with your GP might be a good starting point. S/he can assess your mental wellbeing and possibly give you a mental health care plan, which would entitle you to a number of Medicare rebatable psychologist appointments.

Plus there’s always the option of calling anonymous helplines, such as, BeyondBlue on 1300 22 4636. I know some people incorporate regular helpline calls as part of their mental health support network. It can be carthatic to speak to a caring person anonymously on the other end...

My other gentle suggestion is try to take some time out for yourself to do something you love. I understand that with children, work, etc, this might be hard but it could be something very small like taking 10 minutes out each day to enjoy your favourite tea. Self care is what I’m getting at here...

I hope you know that you’re most welcome around the forums 🙂 You can comment here on this thread and/or anywhere else is good too. We would love to continue supporting you so, if you’re feeling up to it, it would be wonderful to hear from you again.

kindness and warmth,

Pepper

[geoff]

Hello KarenM, please let me welcome you to the forums and thanks Pepper for your wisdom.

My sincere condolences for the loss of your husband.

There's no need to explain everything in your first comment, it's hard enough to even post your first comment without suffering anxiety attacks, so please don't worry, at least you've now on the site and that's good.

Parents want to do whatever they can to support their children and you don't know how much your family may want to help you, so I would try and communicate with them let the door open even if it's just a little bit, to see their reaction.

These thoughts could be what's called 'intrusive thoughts', that is thinking of an unpleasant way you want to deal with a situation and the more you try to push them away, the stronger they are and if so then please don't worry because this happens to many people and this includes myself.

You have an enormous job helping your teens as well as understanding why you have to do all of this by yourself, it's difficult, so you need help, whether it's from your family and your doctor, but please can I suggest you at least contact your GP.

I would also consider contacting Reachout for the teens, these people are trained and dress in casual clothes, this makes a big difference for young kids, they can sit wherever they want to, this reduces their anxiety because they talk about footy, cricket, cars or whatever they are interested in just to gain rapport.

This will help them so much and in the meantime as I've said you have to look after yourself because you need the strength so you can help the teens if you don't have this, it only makes your job much harder, please don't let this happen we care for you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[PamelaR]

Hi KarenM and welcome to Beyond Blue forums

My heart goes out to you for your loss. I'm hear to listen and to say, you sound an awesome mum. Dealing with the loss of your partner and helping your kids through it is a very challenging time.

Peps and Geoff have given you some great ideas. There’s not much more I can add.

Negative thoughts or experiences are so easy to push aside aren't they? I've done it for years. Focussed on the positives only. Unfortunately the negatives come up to haunt me. I do have to deal with them and then I can move on. It’s so much easier moving on when I’ve done that. Otherwise they just hang around, being bothersome. So Peps suggestion of seeing a psychologist I think is a good step forward. That’s what has helped me move forward and out of the negative light.

It’s really good that you’ve been able to share your story here Karen. You are a beautiful mum. Keep reaching out, if and when you want to. No pressure on you at all. You’re not alone.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Em9615]

Hi Karen,

Im new to the site as well.

Sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time. You sound like you are doing a great job battling through after losing your husband.

I'm 22 and I lost my mum at 19. I don't have kids so I can't relate to exactly what you are going through, but I hope things start looking up for you soon.

Emily

[PamelaR]

Hi Emily and a very warm welcome to Beyond Blue forums

It’s good you’ve found your way here to our community. Thank you so much too for sharing with Karen.

I’m sad to hear you lost your mum at 19. I can’t even begin to imagine what that would be like for you.

Is there anyone you can talk with, e.g. close and trust family member or friend? Talking sometimes helps.

The community is caring, friendly, supportive and non judgmental. It’s a place where you can know you’re not alone in the world.

We’re here for you Emily if you want to share more of your story. You don’t have to though - only if you're ready and you want to.
Kind regards
PamelaR

[KarenM]

Thanks so much everyone for your kind and supportive words. I have reached out through a workplace service but am still struggling to connect with them, I'm finding it difficult to actually speak to them (to call them back). Why do we avoid the things that we know might help us? Its a weird feeling. I went to the supermarket on Friday and felt what I might think is an anxious feeling. I started to feel short of breath and just wanting to get out of there, the only other time I felt this way was when my husband passed away. I am trying not to worry too much about it but it came on so fast and I wasn't expecting it. I managed to finish my shopping and felt better as soon as I got into the car park. I think I will call again on Monday to speak to a counselor, I know I need to ask for support. This is a very stressful time right now. I just feel like i want to take a break for a while but I can't, I have to work and do everything for my family. I dont mind but Im just tired.

[PamelaR]

So pleased to hear back from you KarenM. Reaching out to your workplace service is a very good start. We'd encourage you to call them back.

That feeling you talk about in the supermarket - yes, sounds very much like an anxiety attack. I have these at times. You sound like you've managed it quite well. Good on you. If you want any further help, there's a thread here - Tips on managing anxiety. It can be found by going to the search field at the top and entering the thread title.

I do feel for you Karen. The loss of someone close is a very stressful time. Grief takes awhile to go through. Helping your children manage their grief too is very demanding and tiring! It's no wonder you are so tired. It's okay to be kind to yourself and to look out for yourself. Especially when caring and supporting others. Be kind to yourself. Do something for you.

Keep reaching out, when and if you want Karen.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[KarenM]

Hi, once again the morning get up is making me feel terrible. I am trying everything to stop this feeling but can feel it getting more and more. Im about to melt, all i want to do is stay home. I feel like i cant face the day out there at work. Both girls wont get up for school, I have to go to work and leave them once again. I deel like crying all the time, i have to pull myself together but its so very hard. Im embarrased and i know i shouldnt be but how bad a mother am i to not get my kids to go to school. Today, this sucks

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Karen (and all your caring supporters here),

This morning sounds particularly rough on you. You seem very overwhelmed, exhausted and just not feeling very motivated. I really feel for you and feel the tiredness in your words...

Your daughters not getting up for school must be so frustrating. I feel it’s the last thing that you need on top of a very rough start...

Of course you’re not a “bad mother” as you put it. Your daughters refusal to get up for school does not make you a “bad mother.” I feel there’s only so much (or any other parent) you can do as you can’t exactly physically carry them to school...

I know this won’t be for every parent but maybe you could say something like “ I expect both of you to be in school today. If I come home from work and learn that you have been home all day, there will be consequences.” By consequences, I mean, for example, not being able to access their phone/iPad/laptop for a day or 2, not being able to go to the movies this Saturday night or something similar.

It’s a bit of a “tough love” approach and I understand that this approach won’t be suitable for every parent. But maybe it will drive home the point that school is compulsory and not “optional.” I’m not sure if this is appropriate or helpful but I thought that I would share it with you anyway...

For now, I wonder if it would help to take a few minutes out to try to do some slow breathing exercises before resuming with your long list of things to do this morning.

You’re in my thoughts today and I’m cheering you on. You’re doing the best you can. You’re a wonderful mother in my opinion...please don’t be so hard on yourself. Breathe...you’ll get through today...

Warmth and kindness,

Pepper