Lonely newbie

[Stitch]

Hello.  This is the first time I've posted in an online forum. 

I'm 44 years old & embarassed to find myself with no friends.  I've also been estranged from my family since the age of 15.  I work full-time, have a lot of hobbies and volunteer with 2 different organisations.  My life is busy and productive but the lonliness is getting hard to deal with and I'm worried I'm turning into a person that I don't want to be.  I'm also worried that people are able to up on my sense of sadness and this is making it hard for me to make friends. 

 Is there anyone experiencing a similar situation?

[Oneofakind]

I know how you feel, but I think in my situation, I don't encourage friendships as such, because I find that the effort to maintain them on an emotional level is just too hard for me at the moment.  Could this apply to you, it doesn't sound that you are isolating yourself?  It sounds great that you have a full time job and hobbies, maybe through theses hobbies you can forge a casual friendship, with someone you have common ground. I too have estranged family members, and it can be hard sometimes, but at the end of the day, you have to feel happy within yourself to have good relationships with other people, but that is the hard part.  Don't be hard on yourself you are doing a lot of positive things...we'll done

[Stitch]

Although I work full-time and have lots of hobbies, I still don't have any friends.  I work with a great group of people but they are all much younger than me.  I've been there 7 months now and no one has asked me out for a cup of coffee at morning tea.

My volunteer work is the same.  I turn up, do the breakfast & lunch shift and then go home feeling just as lonely.  I love talking to the clients but there is no possibility of friendship as they are all experiencing enormous difficulties themselves.  They are the most marginalised of society and have complex problems including homelessness, health, drug & alcohol issues and mental illness.

The other volunteers are great & I enjoy talking to them but when their shift ends, they go home to their own lives.  It also doesn't help that they are all much younger than me and have different interests.

I also volunteer at the local blue light disco once a month.  It's a lot of fun watching 200 kids running around, dancing & screaming & having fun.  But the level of noise from the music cancels out any opportunity to have a conversation with the other volunteers. Also, most of the volunteers are police officers with their own families to go home to so there's not much opportunity to make friends there either.

My hobbies are things that I do on my own at home - reading baking & sewing are all solitary pusuits.

So you're right Taniakerry, I'm not isolating myself, I'm getting out of the house and doing things but they're not leading to opportunities to make friends.

Bec Luke, I would love to be able to meet other BB members but I suspect that it would be against this forum's rules of anonymity. 

I've been thinking about giving "Meet Up' another go.  They have a Melbourne anxiety group and they organise events and outings for members every few weeks.  I'd love to go to an event but it takes me a while to feel comfortable with new people.  I'd love to be able to get to know people online first before meeting them in real life but Meet Up doesn't have a system that allows this.

Saying that, I'm really happy to have discovered the BB forum.  The advice and support from the other members has been just wonderful - I don't feel so lonely now.

Cheers

[Bec_Luke]

Hi there stitch,

I do agree and understand in meeting members from here that it probably be against BB rules.

Iv found a few groups sort of bear where I am, but I'm all open to what groups are out there. However I hAvent hear of meet up before, I guess I'm only just finding some of thesethings out now as i go along. But i guess that could be something to also look into.

However I am  bit like youand meeting new people. I'm very 

Carefull with who I try n mix with and meet. im a protective person I guess u could say. 

[Stitch]

Yeah I'm a bit 'gun shy' too. 

I never used to be though.  I've done stacks of courses - academic, personal development and crafty stuff & I never felt a twinge of nervousness when it came to meeting new groups of people.  But gradually over the last 5 years or so, I've retreated into myself and don't trust other people so much.

I also worry that other people won't like me when I meet them I that I now avoid these situations.  Which is really stupid of course.  Can't make new friends if I don't give it a go, right?

Meet Up is an organisation whose members facilitate events for like-minded people.  There's a huge range of groups to choose from like bushwalking, live music, dancing and even a food appreciation group that meet for dinner at restaurants.  There's also a group for people who live with anxiety.

I haven't looked at the site recently, but I remember an event they had planned which involved a ferry ride from Melbourne's Southbank to Williamstown to have lunch at a pub.  I really wanted to go but wanted to get to know some of the people first before meeting them.

I think it may be a national organisation so there might be a relevant group in your area?

I'm planning on working up some confidence and maybe giving Meet Up another go.  Mght take a couple of weeks or even months but it'll be good to have something positive to work towards.

Cheers 🙂

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Stitch,

I am fifty and single. I have a small group of long time friends (+ 25yrs) and although I am personable and make "friends" easily, I cannot let them in. I always struggle to stay in relationships but I think that is because I am attracted to needy women. (Last one was six years together and lots of anxiety in her. I'm not dumping on her, of many relationships, I think she is the one. I still think of her as the love of my life yet we just could not make it work.)

My point, however, is that your lifestyle since you were fifteen is probably a bit of a habit. Maybe you subconsciously sabotage opportunities to make friends? I say that because you sound like a nice and intelligent person and clearly can work with others, yet you struggle with letting people in. In a clumsy way I am trying to say that the way you are is probably more common than you know.

Even my long term friends don't know where all the bodies are buried. They know a lot about me but not everything. Everyone else I meet is more like an acquaintance. I wouldn't be prepared to share any information of consequence or that make me vulnerable with them.

As for family, I have heard a similar saying. "Family are the people that, when they knock at your door, you have to open it." You have been estranged for a long time. Have you considered approaching any of them? Maybe they would be just as keen to know you. I don't know if you even want that, but if you do, why not try?

Anyway, we can keep talking on here, along with our other friends Geoff, Vera, Bec Luke and Taniakerry.

Happy Easter everyone. Finally, a good excuse to eat chocolate!

Kine regards, John.

[Stitch]

Hi John,

You're right in that I sabotage opportunities to make friends.  I used to be an open book & would talk endlessly about myself & my childhhod to anyone.  After a time I found myself completely friendless.  I gradually realised that people are not interested in other people's lives to such a degree - they have their own troubles to deal with.

So now my behaviour is at the other end of the spectrum in that I don't reveal very much about myself, especially the early years of my life.  My thinking is that when I was my old 'self' people found me irritating & needy - and I really was.

Having come from a home rife with violence & neglect, I find that most people don't understand and don't want to know.  The downside of keeping to myself is that people are mistrustful of who I am.  They suspect that I'm hiding something & they're right of course.  But it's not what they think.  I'm simply embarrassed about who I am & where I come from.

Reconnecting with the family is definately not an option for me - they're a pretty awful bunch of people.  I'm actually ashamed to be related to them.

They are criminals, prostitutes, drug abusers, con-artists, alcoholics, fraudsters &  unrepentant child abusers.  As a group they are quite fractured & completely dysfunctional.   I had to change my surname not only because of the shame but also because I was tired of receiving phone calls from the police looking for one relative or another.

So even though I'm lonely, it's better than having any of those relatives in my life. 

I might be on my own but at least it's peaceful & on my own terms.

Thanks for listening.

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Stitch,

Thank you for sharing the details of your journey. I understand why you don't crave family. It is amazing that you were able to extricate yourself from such a group and lead a (presumably) crime free and sort of normal-ish life.

Anyway, you don't have to be ashamed of yourself and you don't have to worry about being deserted on this site.

Keep posting!

Kind regards, John.

[Chris_B]

Hi Stitch, we are co-ordinating meetups in major cities for forum and blueVoices members to coincide with our National Roadshow.  Our last meetup event was held in Adelaide.  Members will be notified of forthcoming events here on the forums and via email.

[Bec_Luke]

Hey Stitch,

I know what you mean when you say about how i was saying before meeting new people and being able to have that trust there, for me i think the who l trust issue comes from my past through my child abuse, an I think that's why i have this thing with trusting people, and i find it hard to even though i may want to slightly easy into people and have something there to trust, I just cant seem to do it.I think it also could be because iv always been promised or i have trusted in people but i have always been let down and disappointed. And these days I just, i don;t know but i just find it hard. i'm not so much anxious though in meting people or wanting to but i think also because i'am a different person to altogether than the people in general i meet, I for some reason have some difficulty there to as i guess nothing to relate to, i also am a bit like, how you were saying about how you worry about other people, i do worry a lot to about what other people say or may think of the type of person i am and i find it hard to not take it in some times, and again i dot know why i do either. but I do believe that when meeting other people who may have been in the same situation or knows or can relate i do feel that you can get on better with those as there is that understanding there also that trust thing is a lot easier in ways. As there is also someone to listen and can talk to because they may have that clear understanding than some one else who just doesn't get it. 

however i myself would also like to look in to trying to find those type people and try and work up to meeting people again.

But I do love just being on BB and being able to talk to people and meet new people and love listening to what they may have to say or their stories as well, and help one another get through those tough times.

so don't stop posting because there is always someone here to listen or talk to.

Bec x.

[Stitch]

Hi Bec,

I know what you mean when you say you feel different to other people.

To some extent you and the other members of this site ARE different in that we have had vastly different life experiences compared to most other people.

I know that 1 in 5 people will have experienced some form of mental illness in their lifetime, but that leaves a population of 80% who have little or no understanding of the types of issues faced by the other 20%.

Like you, I also feel more at ease with people who have had similar experiences to mine.  It's always such a relief to not have to keep my guard up - it's bloody exhausting!

The trust thing is easier too.  You don't have to worry about people thinking less of you because of your particular situation.  There's also less of a need to 'explain' yourself.

I've discovered a new "Meet Up" group called "Melbourne depression & anxiety group".  I've emailed the person who runs  it & I'm hoping I hear back from her soon.  She created the group (only a week ago!) because she couldn't find a group in Melbourne for people living with D&A.  I won't be able to attend the first coffee & chat meeting this Saturday, but I'm determined to go to the next one.

Like you & many others on this forum, I'm tired of doing it on my own.

Regards

.