Life's Little Journey

[gear_head]

Hi all, 56 yo male here, diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic depression, anxiety & split personality some 25 years ago, truth of the matter is, it was there probably some 10-15 years before that.
so the short version of my life, 
bullied at school for 4 years,
lost my father at age 15
Industrial accident at age 20  
failed relationship at 21 (engaged) 
substance abuse 
psychiatrists & psychologist involvement
stopped communicating with my family around this time due to them not understanding my issues
stopped taking medication after 5 years - due to them not doing anything 
suicidal thoughts & 2 attempts
started gambling mid twenties as it cleared the head for a short period of time .. 

so after stopping the meds, i lost around 5 years or so trying to figure things out (unsuccessfully) lost friends etc, 
learned to live with myself, my thoughts, & my loneliness, managed to hold down a job all be it on & off 
over the years, have absolutely NO faith or trust in the medical system anymore
on the whole i do ok, i have accepted this is my lot in life & thats ok, the issue i struggle with is, is my finances. i have just started a new job, having returned to my old state (vic) being away for some 10 years or so, 
went through a flood (lost everything) 12 mths ago, moved twice in a mth, started a new job, lost my mother the week before Xmas, buried her on the 23rd dec. 
but with all that going on its my finances that are the biggest issue, working 30-40 hours a week to throw it away at the end is so disheartening. 
for most part ive learnt to deal with all the other crap going on in my life, but struggling when it comes to money - finances ..
curious to hear your imput .. thanks . 
 

[Croix]

Dear Gear_head~

Welcome here to the Forum, it can be a helpful place to come to as if you look around others may have dealt with similar things to yourself.

I'm sorry about your mum, whie I know you had not been communication with you family in the past, had you got back closer together?  Either way having lost both parents leaves one feeling very alone, do you have any other family members or friends? I was hoping by returning to Victoria there might be someone.

You asked for input, so here is mine. You sound like a person who has reached the stage of coping with the  things life has thrown at you - all of them very difficult.

There is one thing I'm not sure I understand in what you've said. You have difficulties wiht finances, but go on to say you are now working 30-40 hours a week but disheartened to see it thrown away at the end of the week.

You mentioned gambling and substance abuse before and I'm wondering if you blow your earnings with these , or if it is a question of debt piling up and not earning enough? Can't really comment until you say more.

Having no faith in the medical system is not surprising if they did you no good. Mind you, I guess it comes down to what you expect (and what you can afford). I've found there is a difference between a professional I can talk to and get a perspective on things - what is real and what is my own reactions - on the one hand and medications on the other.

I guess I've been fortunate, I've a psych who I have come to respect enough over the years to feel confident I'll be listened to and sensible discussion after. Does not panic or overreact to whatever I say.

Maybe I'm drawing too much parallel between my own conditions and yours but in my case finding a stabilizing influence, be it medical person or just a friend makes a big difference in life. Do you have anyone  like that?

I know I've not responded to everything you have set out - a bit at a tme I suppose.

Would you like to come back and talk some more

Croix

[gear_head]

hey Croix 
appreciate the reply

to clarify, while i was fortunate enough to see my mother twice before she passed, we hadn't spoken for approx 9 years or so prior to that, not because i didnt care, but due to other issues (family) 
im the youngest of 5 children, hadnt spoken with 2 of my siblings for about 12years, & another for 25 years or so (that 1 will never be rectified) i have had 1 sister that due to mum's health was in contact with frequently as required .. 

so drugs, havent taken any Illegal drugs in 27 years or so, & legal drugs in 20 or so, apart from the odd headache tablet here & there
 the gambling was a release when i was first diagnosed, cleared the head for a short time. up until about 4-6 mths ago i hadnt gambled in around 6 years. then for some reason i started again, i havent worked in roughly 15 years, being on the DSP, ive been active, but due to mood's/depression was too unstable to hold down a full time job, 
as for friends, no, i would consider myself to be a loner, been used & abused too many times to go back to that, & happy enough i guess being on my own .. 

gear_head
 

[Croix]

Dear Gear_head~

Thanks for coming back and clarifying, I  too wonder why the gambling started up again. Would it be too obvious to think it might be a reaction to the floods, moving and your mum's health?

There is always a big temptation to see things like gambling as being one's own fault, or some sort of character defect, when in fact they are a reaction - or symptom if you like - of something that causes it.

Even though it might seem logical that seeing you money disappear might make you want ot stop it may not be enough by itself. I've had problems I could not get over by myself and had to have outside help.

If you don't mind me asking how has your sister been since your mum passed away? If she was concerned enough to contact you  then she may be in need now -what do you think?

If you give a kind gesture towards her it might do two things, make her feel better -and even if not and she is lukewarm at least you will know inside yourself of the kindness you displayed. (Well that's how I'd feel, you may feel different of course)

Apart from the gambling are there other things you enjoy?

Croix

[gear_head]

hey Croix, 

yes it could be that its just a build up of events over the last 12 mths or so, time will tell i guess 

as for my sister, yes she is doing ok (as far a i can tell) she has helped me get set up back in Vic, so i owe her alot, (not just monetary) but she also understands me & my condition somewhat & realizes that while i appreciate all she has done for me, that i still need time & space to come to terms with all that has gone on in the last 12mths etc, but we are good, 

as for gambling - well lets just say i dont enjoy it, i enjoy the clear head, but that doesnt last long as i usually start beating myself up over the cost afterwards .. some type of self-punishment i guess.  
my enjoyment is my job, restoring cars, it started out as a hobby, & has turned into a career, & if things go the way there planed, will be able to enjoy doing it on my terms as opposed to working for someone else & doing it. 
only time will tell on that side of things .. 


Gear_head

[Croix]

Dear Gear_head~

I'm glad your sister and you have a relationship, she sounds a rather understanding person. I hope she is able to deal with her own grief with as much kindness to herself as she has been showing you.

An ability to restore old vehicles is no small thing. One of my friends restores old motorbikes (I used bikes constantly most of my life and appreciate them). The knowledge and skill involved in restoration, and the ability to source new old parts takes it into a different world. I hope you manage to set up on your own and in the meantime get on well with your boss.

While I can understand your saying you enjoy the clarity of the moment that happens when gambling it is obviously something you regret afterwards.  May I ask if you have any ideas how to reduce this occupation?

Croix

[gear_head]

hey Croix 

it comes & goes, maybe it depends on how im feeling or whats going on in my life at the time, 
but here we are 2 weeks or so later & no gambling, so i dont know, its just frustrating is all. 
but onward & upward i guess, moving forward .. 

very lucky with my boss, he has also suffered from depression, & has said from the onset, that i could work as many or as little hrs as i wanted & if i didnt feel like coming in that that was ok too, and so far so good we seem to work fairly well together ..

Gear_head

[Croix]

Dear Gear_head~

That boss sounds like gold, it certainly takes a lot of pressure off.

You mentioned clarity of mind even though you did not like gambling. Incidentally 2 weeks free is a pretty good achievement.

I try to react to down times by -amongst other things - using a free smartphone app called Smiling Mind

 It does take practice but it is worth it. It has exercises for just about everyone, including me who has a short attention span. After using it my chain of previous thoughts and mood is broken and for a little while I feel calmer.

By itself that's not enough. I use that calmer period to launch into something that will amuse or distract me. And that can be anything from exercise to TV shows, comedy to books or talking wiht someone about ordinary matters. I guess you can find things yourself that suit you.

Once you have a little control over thoughts and mood it gets better. The hard part is getting that control which is where the practice comes in. I hope this technique can help

https://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app/

Croix

[gear_head]

hey Croix

been a week or so since we last spoke, feeling really down on myself, ive had a few bad days, blew what money i had (including rent) sad i know for someone who is 56 years of age to be struggling with what should be the important things in life, just feel as tho ive had enough, i know i cant keep on going like this, to much strain on me & what family & friends i have, dont really know where to go from here, or what to do. 
as usual tho try to get to work tomorrow & hope things sort themselves out. no point going to see any doctors done with them, as previously mentioned do not trust them 1 little bit, 
so just really lost at present, 

thanks Gear_head