Life is Messy

ChildofVenus

If you look at me, I seem like a happy go lucky person who has achieved so much in life, and yet I feel anything but. I've had many setbacks in life, made some poor choices in terms of life partners and have had way too many struggles in my life. I am doing the best I can with what I have and sometimes I have to remind myself that it's enough. I can be really hard on myself and feel like I need to be strong for the sake of my children if nothing else. When I'm alone, sometimes I allow myself to fall apart. I feel like I am unable to share my deepest feelings, thoughts and challenges with anyone as I don't have any real friends anymore. It's hard to make genuine connections with people. I do however enjoy saying hello to strangers and I enjoy my volunteer work. Journalling, reading and walking have been life savers. I love quotes and different outlooks on life. Sometimes I think of life as a garden. There will always be flowers and weeds. My happiness depends on where I focus - the flowers or the weeds. Sometimes I can only see the weeds and other times I can see the flowers. I'm also aware that the garden can be mowed at any time, with both flowers and weeds removed, so while I can, I try to focus on the flowers. Life can be messy but life is precious. Thank you for reading my ramblings 🙂

Croix

Dear ChildofVenus~

Welcome here to hte Forum, hopefully more of a flower than a weed:)

Life sounds it has given you hard times, particularly with partners (which can happen to anyone). May ask if you are a single mum or have partner now?

Having children is an anchor in life,, and a good reason not to mow the garden, flowers, weeds and all.

If you find you are regularly becoming very unhappy and the weeds much more prominent may I suggest you see a GP and be tested, both physically and for mental issues. Explain your circumstances and feelings. Then see what comes from that.

You already do a lot of the things that some others find helpful, journaling, reading, walking and volunteer work. True at the moment you do not have deep friendships, that however may in part be do to them not having lived similar hardships, without that their answers may seem shallow.

If you can find a support group, in other words a group of others with like troubles, you may find things change, after all you are all there with a in-built understanding of each other. The type of group may be poor partner choices and thier results, or ...

Looking at a garden ,your garden, does indeed have flowers and weeds, however that is withing the bounds of you garden, the world is a much wider place full if things you may not even have dreamed of, all fascinating, many enjoyable or amusing. It can be easy to lose sight of this and think everything is weeds. It is also easy to lose sight of your capabilities and capacity for enjoyment -something that happened to me with the most unfortunate results.

May I suggest one tihng, which I practice myself, is to have one thing I enjoy, or will make me forget everyday life - each day in the evening. It's just a small self reward just for me. A chapter in a favorite book, tickling a sleeping cat and then being chased by it, talking with a friend who makes you laugh, a tv show, drawing a flower ... well, you get the idea and will gradually build up a stock of things.

No, your life is not enough, there is more

Croix

therising

Hi ChildofVenus

You sound like such a deeply thoughtful and feeling person, a truly beautiful person. I imagine the quotes and outlooks that resonate the most with you call you to explore them on some greater level at times. I find that it's one thing to explore those things alone, it's another to find someone else or a circle of people to explore them with. Someone once gave me some of the best advice I've ever been given and that was 'Find the people who are going to raise you (your spirits and consciousness) and they will do just that'.

I think the people we find in life (to raise us) don't always start off as friends but as we develop ourself and help them develop, a friendship develops in the process. I suppose you could say that a superficial friendship develops on a superficial level whereas a deeper friendship develops on a deeper level. With life now calling me to develop on a deeper level, I relate to the need to begin that development in my life now and the need to find those who are also interested in evolving in similar ways. As a 54yo gal and as someone who's always been a natural introvert to some degree, it's a big call. Btw, it's a soulful kind of call, not involving simply a psychological shift.

I think, based on my own experience, falling apart can be an important part of our growth. If we didn't fall apart at times, we wouldn't feel the need to put ourself back together or reform ourself in new ways. It's a painful way of reforming ourself but a way nonetheless. And when it comes to those tears, I consider one of my favourite quotes of all times, from Washington Irving, 'There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love'.

I'm wondering whether, over time, you've ever felt drawn to join a particular group/circle of people that could perhaps raise you in some way, yet you've resisted joining for one reason or another. This could involve an educational circle, a soulful kind of circle, a personal development circle or something else perhaps. ❤️

ChildofVenus

HI Croix,

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post.

Life is interesting indeed. After sharing this post, I went to my volunteer 'job' and was reminded that I am actually doing ok, as there are people so much worse off than me in so many different ways. The gratitude of the patrons, the sense of connection and hearing the words 'God bless you' were very therapeutic for me. A patron that I had not seen in months has made a comeback and his story of survival and feeling of vulnerability has reminded me how fortunate I am.

To answer your questions, I am a single mum but my children are older, one lives with me and one lives with his dad but they are largely independent, which is a big change in itself. I don't have a partner at the moment and even though sometimes I miss that sense of connection, if I am honest with myself, I am fearful of repeating patterns from the past. I am not prepared to do the online dating thing and would rather meet someone organically at some point, but I am also happy with my own company. Life is full of surprises and I am big believer in the universe giving me what I need at the time and not what I want.

I really, really love your idea of doing one thing in the evening as a treat to the self. Such a simple idea and yet so powerful. Thank you for sharing and take care!

ChildofVenus

Hello fellow traveller through life,

Thank you for taking the time to reply my post. Absolutely I can relate to what you are saying! I had a bit of a light bulb moment when I read your words about a soul full kind of call rather than a psychological shift. One of my facebook friends posted something similar this morning about her ponderings around turning 60 and how she has come to accept herself as a 'misfit', someone who feels and thinks deeply and at times feels like she doesn't quite belong in this world. I can really relate to this and sounds like you probably can too.

I am a similar age to you and I feel that as we get older, we become wiser though life experience but also through honouring our innate inner wisdom. We also become less inclined to succumb to the social norms. This can be incredibly empowering but can also be isolating and harder to find 'our people'.

I enjoy my own company but have also tried to connect with ' my people' from time to time. I agree, it's not easy which is why I enjoy connecting with nature and feel nourished by it, whereas being around some people can be draining. I lost a really good friend during covid. She was a fellow deep thinker and misfit. We had a falling out due to differences and she moved away without telling me. At times I have been able to find 'my people' but it can be hard to maintain these connections over time. In fact I am connecting with a spiritual group on the weekend. I've met them once before and felt a connection, so will go again. It's good that it's an in person group but it is quite far away from where I live, about a 2 hour commute each way.

I have enjoyed reading your take on falling apart and seeing this as an important part of growth. Thank you for sharing the Washington Irving quote on tears being sacred, so true! It reminds me of something that I read a while ago about tears being a sign of love which cannot be contained.

Wishing you all the best in your journey of growth.

therising

Hi ChildofVenus

I'm hoping the long drive is well worth it and may offer pleasant surprises regarding who you find there, who may live a little closer to home. Life can be like that, offering surprises where we least expect them. I suppose we have to go looking for surprises, in order to find them. Bit of a treasure hunt factor.

Myself, I'm looking at returning to a place that offers spiritual development courses, such as developing greater intuition, for example. While having been a part time carer and close friend to my mum before her passing (a few weeks back), I'd promised her for years that I would develop my interest in such areas while also developing new friendships as I go. Now that the time has come to do what I'd promised her, having reassured her that grief would not get the better of me in this new phase of my life, it will be interesting to see where this leads 🙂. When change calls us, how we answer the call defines us. 'I am a traveler to places that call me, I am a risk taker, I am one who accepts challenges while discovering courage, I am soulful, I am a seeker and I am so much more'. What a beautiful identity for us to develop. ❤️

moody-_ahhhhh

hey i think its worth reminding yourself that social media can make u set unrealistic expectations on yourself and your life, u should be commended for allowing yourself to fall apart when alone. be patient real friends are rare and hard to find :), quality over quantity

Croix

Dear ChildofVenus~

I agree it is far better to meet someone face to face, rather than though the media. It makes a world of difference in understanding them (and they you). It's also good you can enjoy your own company.

I quite understand after some bad choices in a partner one might be reluctant to venture again. I think it may be the fact peple look for waht is familiar, things can seem easier that way. So if one in suseptible ot a peron who starts out very nice and attentive, but changes to horrible over time, one may again go for someone that starts out very nice and attentive.

Trying somethng completely different might be an approach to consider.

While it is good to help others, and feel one has a better lot in life than some, that really is not enough, you need things in your life you enjoy too.

Croix

ChildofVenus

Hi Croix, I really like your perspective on trying something different as opposed to repeating familiar patterns. Thank you for sharing.

ChildofVenus

Thank you for your reply moody-_ahhhh (great user name!!), I agree that comparison on social media can be so destructive and as you say, unrealistic. Thank you for reminding me that quality is more important than quantity. Take care.