Just another depressed person

[Nickname_65BD5CCF-CA54-46]

I'm so tired. I really wish I could lay down and stop forever, but it's not an option as family & duty keep me here.

I feel so useless. And lost and unable to cope.

Five years ago my life got derailed and destroyed. Now instead of a happy life, I have crap.Debt riddled, jobless, unemployable and not able to cope with the outside world.

I've lost meaningful contact with all friends, still see them superficially now and then, but there's a gulf of distance caused by my inflicted isolation.

I try to concentrate on the rays of light I have, and there's times when I'm stable. Not happy, just not so depressed I'm running to the toilet to cry without being noticed. But I always end up looking what a stinking shit pile my life is now, and the lack of options depress me so much. I'll never have work like I used to enjoy and love. I'll never reach pay rate similar. I'll never connect with a new partner. I'll never be able to face the world without anxiety and fear. Each month just gets worse.

Dealing with centrelink and their system seems designed to grind you down. It's been the last straw with what I can cope with to be honest. On top of everything else I just can't deal with their uncaring bureaucracy.

I'm on my third set anti-depressants, (which is killing my ability to have sex), have been seeing a psychologist but run out of sessions. I'm keeping in touch with my GP with a mental health plan. But it all means nothing. It doesn't help.

[james1]

Hi Grok, I wanted to send you a quick reply because I'm rushing out at the moment...

You are not useless and you are not alone. You've replied here and now I'm replying back, as will others when they see your post.

You can also give the support lines a call (BeyondBlue - 1300 22 4636, Lineline-13 11 14), or 000 in an emergency. They will help you talk through your feelings so you feel safe.

If you don't mind, there are two people speaking in your post: depression and You. Here are quotes from each:

Depression: I'm so tired...I feel so useless. And lost and unable to cope....But it all means nothing. It doesn't help.

You: ...family & duty keep me here...I try to concentrate on the rays of light I have...I'm on my third set anti-depressants...have been seeing a psychologist...I'm keeping in touch with my GP with a mental health plan

Yes, I took bits and pieces and stuck them together, but that's what's happening right now. Depression is getting in the way of you being who you want to be, but you're still hanging on. And that's really admirable.

I have to go for the moment, but I'll be sure to reply properly later. For now, I hope you can see that your boat is still afloat and weathering the storm of your depression.

Keep it up! We're here to help you.

James

[Nickname_65BD5CCF-CA54-46]

I've been hanging on for so many years now, so tired of just hanging on. It's all I have to look forward too.

[Cantthinkofadisplayname1]

Buddy I hear you. Loud and clear. My circumstances are different but a lot of things you've mentioned im going through as well.

What can I say???

Buddy I don't have the answers....will never claim to....but I will tell you the things that I'm trying to do and have found helpful (atleast to me).

With so many negative issues in front of you it's probably hard to see the forrest through the trees. Try and break it up into more manageable chunks and deal with one issue at a time. Everyone has "value"....everyone is worth something and can bring something to the table. You might not realise it at the moment but there is bound to be something within you that others want or need. Sometimes it takes a bit of work to draw these hidden qualities out and sometimes you'll discover you've had untapped potential that you never realised you had. Stick with it...persevere....and it will shine through eventually. Doors can open at the oddest times and can lead to equally as odd....and wonderful...places. But doors only open if we don't systematically go round locking them from the other side!

There is NO shame in admitting you're in over your head. If you can't dig yourself out of a hole then you're going to need help. Pick an issue...like your debt problem...talk to others and get advice. Perhaps try and consolidate...access your super...speak to a debt management team. Whatever you choose to do do it with conviction. As the problems get whittled away one by one eventually you'll feel less weighed down. When that day comes stand on your feet...shake your fist to the world and yell "You didn't beat me". We'll be here to celebrate that moment with you!

[james1]

Hey Grok,

CT (sorry, too long mate, haha) above has given some really great advice on some coping mechanisms. I particularly like this bit of insight:

"If you can't dig yourself out of a hole then you're going to need help."

Youtube: "west wing both in the hole" - should be a 2 minute clip.

This is an amazing scene but the gist of it: If you're in a hole, there are others who've been down that same hole and know how to get out. And they will jump in with you.

You said you're tired of hanging on and have been doing this for years. I understand. I get you.

But here's a thought: we're all down the same pit with you and we're here to give you a boost and ease those tired arms. And so are your doctors and so are the people on the support lines. You can stand on our shoulders and their shoulders for a little bit until you get the strength to pull yourself out.

I wish I could tell you there's an alternate route out, but I'd be lying. But depression is also lying to you now: You are a good person, there are people who care about you, and once you're out of this pit, you do have the strength to pick up the pieces and start again. You have shown this by coming to us in the first place.

If you don't mind me asking, what are some of the strategies your psychologist talked to you about? Could you go see a counsellor for cheaper if you've run out of sessions? Sometimes local councils offer services too.

We're here to listen to you.

James

[Nickname_65BD5CCF-CA54-46]

> "If you don't mind me asking, what are some of the strategies your psychologist talked to you about? "

These are from a variety of sources:

• Using micro distractions to try and head of chains of thought, e.g. watch a silly video, play a computer game, entertain the cat rather than follow the dark thoughts.
• Walking. Some other exercise, but primarily walking (with head phones in).
• Goal listing and checking completion: Writing down what I must get done. Ticking it off when it gets done. Reviewing the list to see a marker of success.
• If unable to do stuff, try to make the effort one jot better, i.e. if I only can put one achievement for the day down, try for two tomorrow.
• Baths to relax and soothe before bed to aid with sleep.
• No caffeine after 12pm to help me sleep. No naps after 12pm to help me sleep.
• Get up the same time every day even if I'm doing nothing.
• Audiobooks. These are my biggest go to, a mixture of new interesting books so I can focus on them rather than depressive thoughts while cleaning, walking, etc and old favourite books I know off by heart that I can listen too while trying to sleep, familiar enough I don't need to stay awake to hear the next bit, but good enough to maintain my interest. Some stories just evoke my childhood nostalgia too (e.g. The faraway tree).

I'm very good at self maintenance and keeping to the rountine when depressed. It helps me hang in there, and ​I have family that needs me which gives some focus.

But ya'know, it's all just bullshit and mirrors to have a somewhat normal face to prevent those who do care about me from stressing more than they need too. It allows me to function like a robot. I don't see any way there will be improvement in my life in the future, if I'm lucky my life wont get worse, but why should I be lucky now?

[Nickname_65BD5CCF-CA54-46]

Could you go see a counsellor for cheaper if you've run out of sessions? Sometimes local councils offer services too.

Cheaper isn't an option. Even with the mental health plan I had to find one who bulk billed.

[james1]

Hey Grok those are actually really great tips and I'm glad that you acknowledge you're very good at routine and self-maintenance. I think a lot of others on these forums would benefit from your experience.

It sounds like you're just exhausted from keeping up that "normal" face and being on the edge for so long. I'm afraid it's not something I know much about (in terms of dragging ourselves out) because it's where I'm stuck too.

I just think to myself that it's a storm, a very long storm with breaks during which I can build up my walls again. But even an ice age must end and I'm trying to be here when it does.