Issues with my Brother in Law

[Alycia_Bev]

Hi All,

This is my first ever submission, its about an issue that I'm really not sure how to deal with becasue it's never really happened in my life before. Its a bit of a long story, but I'll try shorten it.

my brother-in-law and I when I first started dating my Husband had a good relationship. We would poke fun at eachother and he felt like a younger brother to me too. He had a girlfriend who really was not right for him and he broke up with her, throughout that time he came to me for advice and we spoke often.

Today, things are so different. He is married with a baby, my husband and I havnt had our first child. When my husband and I got married it was a forgone conclusion that he would pick his brother as best man. My brother-in-law did not return the favour, even though there are only 2 of them and there father passed when they were both adolescents.

My BIL always asks my husband for help and neither of us think twice, but my BIL has never done anything for us, the one time I asked him a small favour, my husband did it.

The path to where we find ourselves now started when he married his now wife. I have never had an issue with her, I have always gone out of my way to be kind and accepting of her.

But slowly and incrementally they have begun to treat me quite poorly. I'm trying to start a business, I advertise on Facebook, whilst every other person in my husbands family will like my posts they will not. Yet, she has friends that run business' and she's constantly commenting and liking their posts (this is 1 example)

They refuse to eat anything I cook. Or they will have a really small amount to save face or show they are trying. They did not let me carry their baby (my nephew) till he was 3 months old, every single other person in the family at this point had held him, except me.

They don't bother at all for my birthday, and make no effort at all - we were not in lockdown at the time but they said the baby was sick, im not sure if this was true or not.

They do little things like this consistently.

Its like death by a thousand cuts, my husband is no help at all, he sees his brother with Rose coloured glasses and wont believe me.

Its affecting my marriage, my husband wants to visit them and the baby and I feel so excluded & uncomfortable. Yes, I have tried talking to him and he has an answer for everything and is very cold and stand-offish.

I don't know what to do. I'm so close to my mother-in-law too and I don't want that ruined.

Please help!

[Leo899616]

Hi Alycia,

Firstly, I'm so sorry about what you're going through. No one deserves to feel excluded or disrespected, especially by their own family.

I think in your situation, the best thing to do would be to sit down with your in-laws (maybe over a coffee or invite them to your house for dinner or FaceTime them if in lockdown) and calmly explain how you're feeling about all of this. Let them know that their support with your new business is important to you. Don't be afraid to tell them how you're feeling. Even if they disagree, it might be nice to get it all off of your chest. I also think you should take the same approach with your husband.

Hope this helps!

[jaz28]

Hi Alycia,

As Leo said, a conversation with them might be a good place to start.

Unfortunately, family can be like this. You said you and your brother-in-law had a good relationship before his current wife - coincidence? I think not.

My mum had a similar experience. She was close as can be with her brother, and then when he married his current wife - everything changed. They now do not speak. My mum was treated poorly and favours weren't returned etc. (as you experienced), even though mum did so much for them. His wife was manipulating him against certain family members - and my uncle is blinded by love (and his stubbornness) so he did not even realise how badly he treated his own sister. So my mum had enough and cut herself off. It was easy for her to do that (physically not mentally) as it was her brother. I know you can't do that.

So, the best course of action would be to stick up for yourself and have a conversation with the in-laws. This isn't fair.

Best of luck

Jaz.