Is it too late?

[Marino]

I am struggling and feel that its too late to fix the things and people I have damaged through my struggle with mental illness. I have borderline, and anybody else out there would now the complexities involved with with this and the impacts that it has on the people who you love. The problems I have are so multifaceted I don't know where to start. I have had intensive therapy which concluded about 18 months ago (DBT) I feel within myself that I have more control and better management strategies, but the fall out from years of unintentional abuse to my wife and children has had consequences and I am struggling to cope with the distance I have created and cannot bridge the gap. I feel maybe its too late to undo the damage I have created..I have had hope, but this is failing as I cannot seem to make headway with my relationships. I am lost and don't know where to turn.

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome to our caring community Marino;

You've shown extreme courage writing on here about the fallout from your MH issues, so well done! I understand where you're coming from and really feel for you at this time.

To my knowledge of BPD, I'm assuming there's been issues with anger, overreacting and/or misinterpreting situations and people. Is this right or is there more to it?

I'm not sure how you'd make amends because I don't know anything about specifics, but I do know kids need their dad. They're very forgiving and only want to be loved and acknowledged by their folks.

I'm wondering if you have a psychologist to help reconnect with your kids and deal with any animosity from your ex, as doing it alone or staying away will only serve to maybe confuse or escalate matters more. (Especially for you)

I'm here if you want to talk ok. It's really helpful to vent or purge your feelings on here; those of us who've stayed know this as our recovery's been supported in so many ways.

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[stormcloudz]

Hi Marino

I don't think it's too late. I had a difficult relationship with my dad for decades because of his issues when I was young. Seeing him mellow in older age, and realising he was just human, really helped me.

Make amends where you can, be patient with your family, and come here when you are exhausted and need the support. We'll listen. Remember it will take others a while to understand your changes, then a while to make their own changes, then build a different type of relationship with you - it's slow but that's how it works.

Congratulations on all the work you have done by the way - bless you.

[Marino]

Hi Sez,

Thank you so much for replying to my post, it’s uplifting to not feel so alone. In the early days with my BPD there was all the things you have mentioned but in addition more damaging behaviour in which the consequences where a loss of trust was involved. I often looked outside the marriage for acceptance and a way to feel needed, and therefore felt secure and worthwhile. This never involved an “affair” as such, just clandestine chats which I kept covert.

This behaviour and the mood swings combined with the alternate neediness and then rejection of my family has taken its toll. I do believe the DBT has worked for me as 99% of the behaviour has ceased in regard to impacting the family in a negative way (although I struggle with the inner turmoil, regret and grief in a daily basis)

The problem now in my perspective is that my wife and children now, having been the subject of the victims of my behaviour have built walls and distanced themselves as a self preservation tactic. I work hard to connect and build the trust, but in a lot of cases it’s rejected and I am constantly reminded of what damage I have done. This then generates all the negative feelings that are part of BDP, and initiates the same cycle again. And, although rarely, I revert back to the destructive behaviour again. Consequently I feel then that I have to start all over again.

I function well outside the family unit, I am accepted by my peers and respected, and this acceptance is the building blocks of the ability to be able to function well.

Seeking help to deal with the animosity from my wife is a good idea and one I have considered, as far as my children goes I think if they can witness some validation from my wife that I have come to grips with my MH issues, they will probably and hopefully follow suit. But I can’t do it alone, my wife need to be receptive and it’s is constantly put to me to sort it out as it’s my consequences to my behaviour.

That leaves me no choice but to go alone, and at this point I am exhausted and feeling pretty despondent. Saying that, in all things I’m pretty resolute and will never give up on my work in progress, but I recognise the need to reach out a bit.

[Marino]

Thank you Stormcloudz,

To get some reassurance and encouragement from your perspective gives me hope and renewed determination.

I’m trying to be patient and do all I can to make amends, I just feel with all the inherent stuff that comes with BPD, I’m not real good at it. And the pain, sadness and regret that I feel is hard to concille.

I stand back and see the interaction that my children have with their mother, so full of love and neediness...it’s just wrenches my heart that I don’t have that and may never have, and there is no one to blame but me.

I love them so much that I will always be resolute in my efforts the repair the damage, and your words have given me some hope.

Once again I thank you.

[Just Sara]

Well said... well said;

I have to recharge my laptop (yet again) but I'd love to talk with you. You seem genuine, intelligent and express yourself really well, so thankyou from my end.

I'll be back later on tonight to keep an eye on the forum. Unfortunately there's been a huge increase in suicidal and desperate first time posters. It's going to be a long night.

I'll pop in here and leave a response ok. It might be quite late, but be sure I'll be back.

Take care;

Sez

Shout-out Stormcloudz! You're a legend! What a great reply; stay around tonight if you feel like helping out. It'd be great if you could.. Sez

[stormcloudz]

Hi Marino

I can imagine that it's tiring to have to prove yourself over an over, at a time when you are learning new techniques and trying to embed them.

I do think it's worth it, and I hope that you can get ongoing support for your efforts, as it's so important for you and the people around you. Thank you again (on behalf of all damaged families) for all your efforts, I know how persistent and dogged we need to be to change our approach. In fact, perhaps you can give the rest of us some tips.

I wonder if it would help to write to your wife and explain that you are implementing new behaviours, and that as you are learning, you may not always get it right but are sincerely trying and would appreciate her feedback? Not sure if that's appropriate at the moment, but it's a thought.

Good on you for your courage and determination.

[Just Sara]

Hi Marino; (Shout-out to Stormcloudz)

I'm glad you've pondered addressing animosity from your wife and hope you find a solution. As you say, she'll mirror her approach to the kids and they'll follow her. It's a good goal my friend.

I'm also happy to hear you're dealing well with life outside those relationships; it's a credit to your hard work. 🙂 Stormcloudz has a good idea about writing your wife a letter explaining your current situation compared to where you were. Maybe you could run thru it with your psychologist prior to sending. Having a professional opinion wouldn't hurt. It also might be cathartic.

Anyway, don't forget we're here and eager to listen and encourage.

Kind thoughts;

Sez