Introduction and the fear of death of loved one

[YellowCar]

Greetings all. This is my first post. I have joined this forum because I am suffering from a crippling fear of losing my new partner of 3 years. Im hoping someone can provide some insight into what is happening and offer some helpful ways to cope.

Im a 45 yo gay male. I suffer from a number of chronic health conditions and diseases (all under control) but I have spent a bit of time in hospital. I also suffer from anxiety, mainly social, but for as long as I can remember, I preferred the safety of my cave to venturing out and socialising. I sought help (CBT) for depression and it worked to some degree. I even managed to leave a toxic relationship after 10 years and start anew. I recently met someone overseas and after 3 years we're planning on getting married this year.

Two years ago I fell very ill and suffered numerous anxiety attacks as a result of blood loss. I was convinced I was going to die. My mind spiralled after thinking about dying and leaving my new partner in this world, and it was this that triggered the panic attacks.

Now, with the new health issues under control, I find myself with a new problem. Wherever I go I imagine it is my partner that is dying. I now realise I am doing it and I try to stop myself, however the sheer vividness and horror of the images in my head haunt me every day.

You have no idea how incredibly cruel these thoughts are to me. I love my partner very much and the thought of losing them really does cripple me. However, I now question my relationship due to these visualisations and thoughts. Maybe Im not healthy enough or good enough to be in a relationship after all (self sabotage is an old friend of mine!!). Or am I just being too overprotective of him??

Has anyone experienced anything like this before? Any useful advice would be appreciated or should I seek profesional help again? Just writing about this honestly for the first time already feels a lot better.

Thanks.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi YellowCar,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for joining us. I'm glad that you were able to open up about what's been going on for you - I hope that you find some support in the forums here. I'm also happy that it helped just to write about it; feel free to use this space just to get things off your chest if you need.

It sounds like you've had to deal with a fair bit - not only have you had to deal with chronic health conditions (hard enough), but also getting out of a toxic relationship and the anxiety too. It doesn't sound like it's been easy. I'm really happy to hear though that you're now in a healthy relationship and planning on getting married - congrats to you too.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and I think that your partner has provided a serious sense of security. Unlike the toxic relationship you said you were in before, he's been there - thick and thin. and I know from my own experiences that sometimes that can be a little vulnerable too. Sometimes too vulnerable, like it's good and it's safe but there's also a lot to lose.

I think that you are good enough for him and I don't think that you're being overprotective - I think it's just your brains' natural instinct of wanting to hold on to the safety and security (and love) of what you have right now. It's honestly completely understandable.

I do think professional help can be a good idea - especially if you've benefited from it in the past. It might help you to help shake off some of those unhelpful beliefs, but also to recognise and remember that these are just intrusive thoughts. They are tragic and they are haunting but they don't reflect you or your worth in anyway.

I hope this has been a little bit helpful. I think I've maybe been a bit blunt here (?) but I do understand and can relate to what you're going through. This won't last forever.

rt