Introducing myself / my story / hopefully someone can relate

[LP222]

Hi - Im in my 30s single & have had anxiety and depression on and off probably the earliest I can remember is about 12, then 17, then more steadily from about 23 onwards... I am on an anti-depressant and have been for about 7 years (with breaks here and there). I just take 1 a day. Ive seen psychologists they have been ok but I think it really takes a paradigm shift from within. I have ordered lots of self help books too so im happy to discuss them! I just ordered one about building resilience which when I'm objective about things I think is really important, I also want to start reframing my thoughts in terms of I think if I keep believing there is something fundamentally wrong with me of course i'll never be happy.

I think my issues started with a dysfunctional family, then lots of failed relationships and abandonment. I'm at a point where I've realised the only person I can depend on is myself... I try to distract myself with tv shows & things to make me feel a little better but ultimately I think I am deeply disappointed with everything I do. This year has almost been a complete write off. My life is passing by and all I can really do is avoid stress risks and people to feel better. I don't trust men anymore and I don't know how I'm meant to find someone when I'm so tired of getting hurt I can't take the risks anymore. I've been single a year. I dated a guy recently had a really good feeling about him but he just dumped me with no warning literally a week later... work is bad. I keep applying for other jobs but nothing... people have turned on me at work too... had a death in the family & my seemingly closest friend pretty much disappeared for a whole month. the death in the family meant I should have "been there" more for the 'more affected people' but I can hardly be there for myself. they are angry at me too..

I keep talking about moving out (which i have done before) but I'm in such a s**t place that my motivation is just zero. I spend most of my time in bed. I hate having to trust people or care about anyone anymore. I wish I could escape everything... One day I'd really like to find some stability in my life by getting married and having kids. I really want to be a mum some day... but life is so s**t atm.

Its funny cos if you met me in person you'd think that I'm quite young, attractive funny and seemingly happy (ie have everything going for her) and normal but I'm not... I feel like I need someone really stable, but I think no one will want me...

thnx x

[Jacko777]

Hi LP222,

I agree, I think it does take a paradigm shift from within but for me, I couldn't make that shift happen until I got through some therapy and cleared some blockages. With some support and advice from professionals I had realisations about things that were holding me back and with a new view of my self I was able to really grow mentally, with help and with information from books and the internet. There is so much good information available these days and it's great that you are tapping in to it.

It helps me some times to clarify the different areas in my life, put it down on paper. I will put 'me' in the middle with spokes out to circles that are the different parts of my life, like family and friends, career, health, home, music, nature, passions and hobbies, etc. Then I can sit back and look at these different areas, I make goals in each area with plans to reach the goals, I work it back to the little things I can do today. It brings me satisfaction to know that I have been on track to reach my goals, I am doing the things that I believe are important and enjoyable to me. I also feel strength with more eggs in more baskets, and if one area of my life is challenged it doesn't have to affect the other areas, there is more to 'me' than just one basket.

I think there will be ways for you to reduce the risks when dating a partner. Maybe you will have to take it nice and slow, maybe online dating might work for you cause you can meet people who are already clear about your boundaries and expectations. I have suffered from trust issues and I know it's hard, I got to the stage where I couldn't really trust anyone, I found it hard if not impossible to go out with my partner and be social for fear of having my trust abused. For me I needed professional help to get through this, and I did. I am so much better these days, I can go and do whatever I want and only occasionally feel a little anxious. Now I actually trust everyone until I know different, of course I don't give ammo to someone who is likely to abuse my trust, but if they do, it would be a reflection of them not me.

Do you think it might be a good time for you to get a fresh mental health strategy? Find a professional you can connect with and get that paradigm shift happening. Talk any time.

Jack

[White_Rose]

Dear LP222

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. We endeavour to help and support anyone who writes in here.

Jack has written such great stuff that I can only applaud and endorse it. I relate to wanting someone stable in my life but I have found I need to find that stability in myself first before expecting a partner to do the job for me. As you have said, it takes a huge shift in thinking to believe in yourself and build your own resilience. This is my task at the moment, to become more resilient. Hard work and I would not be as far along the road without professional help.

Self-help books are great. Lots of encouragement and ideas. Plus explanations of why we think the way we do. The big drawback is that we do not see ourselves as objectively as others do. So find a good counsellor or psychologist, read the books and put the two together.

Mary

[Narniakid]

Hi LP222 and welcome to the forums, thank you for sharing your story with us.

It's great that you've already had some professional help, however don't give up on finding the right psychologist - I went through about 5 before I found one that I really clicked with, and I've since been able to make a remarkable recovery. Ask your psychologist about Cognitive Thinking therapy. I also suggest you keep a diary of things you want to discuss, as often we can get overwhelmed in sessions and forget what we wanted to address.

I applaud you for taking the appropriate steps already, and the self help books are excellent! Well done! I think what you definitely need is some goals to strive towards - I recently was in a similar situation, so I made myself an inspiration board full of quotes, photos & places I'd like to go (have a look on Pinterest for some ideas) and stuck it in my room to help motivate myself. I took a bunch of short courses and free online courses, and did a bunch of volunteer work. Sometimes trying something new can really make a big difference in our attitude and figuring out our goals.

You need to eliminate the mindset of "I won't be happy unless I have a partner". I was stuck in this thinking for a number of years, and I would compare my own loneliness to the happiness of others', and constantly wonder what was wrong with me for men to not want me. The reality is, once I stopped obsessed over looking for a partner, thinking that held the key to my happiness, I started focusing on my own achievements and goals, and a partner just somehow made his way into my life when I wasn't even looking. Sounds cliché, I know, but there is some truth to the saying "If you can't love yourself, how is anyone else going to?"

I believe in you, and I think you've done a really good job already. Don't give up!

Crystal

[JustJack]

Hey LP222

I can relate to how your feeling.