Introducing myself from Finding Myself :)

[Finding_myself]

Well hello, I'm a newby here today. Not sure if this is going to be the right place for me or not but I'm taking another step forward and trying to look at opportunities. In a way I feel like I'm just talking out to the big wide world, bit scary and worried but I'm taking a deep breath afterall this is Beyond Blue! Not really sure exactly what to say....I'm in my late 30's, married and mother of three beautiful little angels. In the scheme of things I really don't have much to worry about at all, however I question everything and compare myself to everyone and am simply not content, even though I have no idea what I really want so that I am content. I've struggled with a form of inadequacy since my teenage years and like many people I've got some childhood 'stuff' to sort through (at this point I'm not sure how bigger impact it all has) and I have received help once before when my middle child was a toddler. That's about where I'm at! I took the first step little while ago (well it really came to a head when I couldn't stop crying for two days!) and spoke to my husband and went to the GP. I have since been seeing a counsellor and have started anti depressants. I will say it is all starting to help, better days than others but I know I have a long way to go. I just have so many unanswered questions! Anyway just wanted to say hi and see where this takes me, cheers Finding Myself xx

[Fairywings]

hello there beautiful mummy, welcome. Finding yourself literally is a progressive journey. It took me almost 13 years to find out who I really was that was almost 16 years ago. Self discovery is such a holistic process that each individual will differ from. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and for many many years you don't know who you are or what has become of yourself. For me it was about finding god and letting him into my life and since i did that things have progressed to where I am now 36 years old, a youth worker helping out on these forums, married to my first love my soulmate 🙂 and a mother to a beautiful little boy who has autism. My other 4 children are with the angels in heaven. I know they are being looked after and funny thing is they are with me and their sibling everyday. 🙂 Well firstly id like to say your are def in the right place to get advice and support we are all a great bunch here, and secondly very proud of you for being brave enough to post. When you experience any form of trauma as a child that def plays a huge part on the rest of your life. I too found myself questioning everything was so insecure about everything had huge issues with my body image and self confidence that just at the age of 10 had developed an eating disorder was self harming and engaged in drug abuse. I was only 8 when the abuse began and hence this all went on for about 11 years. I too see a psychiatrist and am medicated to help me get by in life, without my meds I don't think I would be able to go on. I have bipolar and also suffer from borderline personality disorder. Every so often I will have an episode but I am way better at self managing myself thanks to self discovery. I would take long walks in the fresh air along the beach side and journalling, all useful tool to self discovery. I would just sit and think and then write. I found this to be so therapeutic for me, for others it may be different you just have to start getting in touch with yourself to find out what will work for you. Feel free to share all of your thoughts we are not here to judge you so please feel at ease to post we are all here to help and guide you through. We are a great bunch here, glad to have met you hope to speak with you soon Venessa xx

[blondguy]

Hello Finding myself 🙂

You have great strength to post and good on you! Welcome to you too!

You are a well articulated and kind person who is pro-active with your health (and your family)

Just to let you know I have had depression since 1995 and have been on meds and working successfully with the ups and downs too. You mentioned: " I've struggled with a form of inadequacy since my teenage years and like many people I've got some childhood 'stuff' to sort through..

I still have this feeling of inadequacy as you do and it can be a pain.

I just wanted to let you know there are many kind people on the forums like Venessa that can be here for you. The BB forums are rock solid secure to protect your privacy. I have been on here since January after being alone over christmas, new years and was struggling big time. There have been so many people that have helped me on the forums since I have joined.

You are more than welcome to post as many times as you wish. If you have any questions/queries please feel at home.

My kind thoughts for you

Paulxx

[Fairywings]

Hi Paul how lovely r U? 🙂 Finding myself I am just going to say that Paul is a gentleman very sincere in nature and like all of us here a great person to talk too. 🙂

[Finding_myself]

Hi Venessa and Paul, thankyou both so much for replying. Both your responses were very warming, thankyou. So of course I have already read your replies over and over again before replying...coz that is what I do....over analyse everything!!!! So I guess the first thing I feel I would like to say in the best possible way I can is that I am so thankful to have you listen to me and reply with your honesty and validation and what has helped you and I am taking it all in, however I am at such a point at the moment that I have realised that I cannot at this point take on anyone's else's issues (I soooo hate using that word!!!). I have to consciously make the decision to not worry myself about others. Therefore I really want you to know that I have heard everthing you have said but at this point I cannot respond and have a conversation about both of your pasts. I hope this is coming across correct. I just need to listen lots at the moment to people's reply's. I am definitely realising that learning self awareness is a big part and what I am actually thinking and feeling. If I can acknowledge the feeling then I can learn to address it and try and understand why I'm feeling like that and what I can do. Today is not such a great day, started wonderfully and noticed how carm I felt, got kids off to school, was kind to myself in my thoughts of how the morning was going getting everyone ready. Then I started floundering upon my return home with my littliest. I'm not good at being home (even though I still have a little one), I feel I should be doing more. I am aware I have this overwhelming thought process that if I was doing what any other person was doing (whatever that may be) that would be good. So I'm studying at the moment and have been for 18 months. I enjoyed the first year but this year not at all. To the point I went from two days study down to one due to the stress. I'm due to start class again tomorrow and its causing me great anxiety. I looked at the reading material and find myself having absolutely no interest in it. Is this because I should listen to my gut and that this is not for me and I've been trying to reach something that is not really me or is it my 'issues' that cause me to feel like this? I know I have an issue with not being able to complete anything! Hmmm cheers Finding Myself (I'm about to go over the word count oops!)

[Finding_myself]

Hi Paul, my last post almost went over the word count so I'm just going to keep this short and sweet lol! What have you found has helped with your feeling of inadequacy? How do you stop those nawing thoughts from getting to you? I wish I could just have the day at home and be productive and feel accomplished or even not doing anything and be content with just reading or cooking or spending time with my littliest without thinking about what other people are doing? Or thinking I should have my life like this or that and then I would be happier. Or even when I do think to myself alright you could make these changes and see what happens but then getting to make those changes I can't get to. On advice from my counsellor I am doing some mediation (mindfulness) and I think this does help me. I'm also forcing myself to take some more time out for myself. Even though I have to push myself with this I think this is also helping. However its overwhelming what a constant battle it is, this I find hard to deal with! I wish I could have my counsellor or someone with me by my side all day to keep pushing me and to bounce off the second I feel those feelings creeping in. But the other part of me does know that it has to be my own journey, only I can do this for myself, its just sooo hard and I don't know if I'll ever get there ! All I want to find is true contentment with who I am, cheers Finding Me 🙂

[Fairywings]

hi 🙂 That's OK I totally understand that you need time to digest all being said but really it's OK I opened up to you to show you that doesn't matter how lost you feel or how dark your moments might be in life I any many others on here are proof that there is life at the end of the dark tunnel and believe me I don't expect responses in return we are here for you 🙂 I'm sorry you had a rough day today and in terms of ur study you do what u feel is right if this doesn't feel right and ur not enjoying it then it's not meant to be in ur life path so don't be afraid to let it go, you will feel so much better about it and have less anxieties in thinking u have to keep pushing yourself to complete it when really u don't. Listen to ur gut it never lies that's how i get by in life and believe me you will find yourself its just going to take some time xx thanks for coming back to us Venessa