Intro - I've hit my lowest low, I've admitted I need help but don't know what my problem is.

[Not Asking For A Friend]

Hello all.

As introduction I will explain what has bought me here.

I have just spent the day confessing to my partner of 12+yrs that I have cheated more than once.

We think I have some underlying mental issues which has contributed towards destructive behaviours (binge drinking, cheating).

Whilst I believe I have had episodes of depression in the past, for the most part I can't say for certain that I am depressed. But I am also unable to explain my behaviours, feelings, or difficulties.

I am still not sure if I have legitimate issues or if I am just a horrible person.

Doctors appointment tomorrow to get the ball rolling towards help.

[Matchy69]

Hi it must have been a very hard thing for you to confess to your partner.That is a huge step to take but looks like you have started to make yourself better and improve and also making that doctors appointment for tomorrow.I am sure your doctor will listen and give you great advice and treatment options for you.It can only get better from here.

Take care,

Mark.

[Flowerchild07]

Hi Not Asking For A Friend,

It's great that you're seeking help. Believe me, you have legitimate issues. Of course we can't say too much about types of mental illness here, but I can say you're on the right track getting the ball rolling.

I wish you and your partner all the best in the future.

Kindest regards

Sue.

[felix mendelssohn]

Hi there,

Speaking from my own experience, I was also very unsure about whether I had 'legitimate issues' or if I was, maybe not a horrible person, but in my case just a genuinely weak, lazy and pathetic person. I'm still not totally convinced that I am not, to be honest. So I am somewhat in the same position as you there.

The advice that I have received on this front and that I will offer to you is the manifestation of depression is not always just a feeling of inexplicable sadness. The sadness may be concealed through 'valid reasons' for being sad, perpetuated through thought patterns which you may have no control over or not even be aware of. So with this in mind, just because you're not certain there's a 'legitimate issue' doesn't mean there isn't one.

Hope that helps in some small way. 🙂

[Not Asking For A Friend]

Thanks.

I guess whilst there have been definite episodes of depression. For the most part I have not had 'sad' feelings. More likely to feel anger, frustration, lack of satisfaction, apathy etc. Most of the time I don't see myself fitting the normal symptoms listed against depression. But I still feel there is something I am not getting right.

[blondguy]

Hi Not Asking For A Friend

You are strong!...I also used to have the anger..frustration as well....The anger can sometimes be a sign of a 'tired mind" for sure

Good on you for seeing your doc tomorrow...I still see my doc every 8 weeks for a 'tune up' when I feel like crap

you rock

Paul

[felix mendelssohn]

Hi again,

Yeah, absolutely. I guess the point I was more trying to get across is that questioning the symptoms can be a symptom of the illness itself. But to respond to you now, those are all feelings that are probably best analysed through discussion between yourself and a psychologist! So you've made the right call in seeing the doc about it, as they can easily refer you onwards.

If I might indulge myself slightly, I would suggest that all of the feelings you mentioned may be reduced to sadness and reactions to sadness - at its very heart, discontentedness. Even apathy, which you might argue is neutral, is overall a negative experience when related our understanding of what life should be. That's all just me rambling in my enlightened/slightly-inebriated state, don't take that p'graph too seriously. 🙂

I wish you the best of luck with your appointment tomorrow and feel free to report back if you need to make sense of any more stuff.

[smallwolf]

Hi, I found you from another thread on the forum. Anyways ... anger and frustration may be come under the banner of depression, however they can be related. For me it is related to anxiety - I worry about something, and my outburst may be displayed as frustration. And by addressing the situation with your partner must have been difficult and you are taking the right steps in getting help.

Fwiw - depression does not have to be sadness, it can also be emptiness, apathy, not caring, loss of interest in things you used to enjoy, etc. Depression can also cause mood swings.

Tim

[therising]

Hi Not Asking For A Friend

I don't believe a so called 'horrible person' would consciously set out on a quest for self understanding. I believe someone who sets out on such a quest to be a person who wishes to raise them self out of certain behaviours which may feel horrible at times.

I believe there can be varying degrees of depression. Whilst the milder forms hold the potential to have us move further down into a greater low, recognising the onset of a depression is incredibly significant. Searching for highs in life no matter the cost, in order to feel alive, is something I personally struggled with throughout my own years in depression.

It must have been incredibly challenging to have been so open in speaking to your partner. Rising to significant challenges is definitely something that aids our evolution. While we might find our self in some state of damage control and uncertainty at times, during those challenges, we can't ever hope to rise above them without addressing them in the first place. So a sincere 'Good on you!' for challenging yourself to go above and beyond.

I hope your progress proves incredibly rewarding as you begin upon your path of greater self understanding, personal liberation and self love. The path of raising our self is paved with many rewards.

🙂

[Not Asking For A Friend]

Today was my first ever appointment with a therapist.

Was a quick session where in a therapist asks a few questions, has a quick chat, and then suggest a couple of therapist who would be suit for the ongoing therapy. Booked the first proper session for next weekend.

Didn't feel good, bad, shame, or much of anything. Felt like a positive progression. Some scepticism (I'm a natural sceptic). Some impatience.

Thanks for the comments provided. The value of of knowing you've been heard cannot be underestimated.