Intro from Jessicat

[Jessicat]

Hi all,
I'm new here but I joined in the hope of connecting to others in a similar position, while contributing to a passion of mine (helping others overcome mental illness).

I'm 23 and have suffered depression and anxiety (and all the wonderful trials that go with them both) since I was a young teen. Recently my ex broke up with me for numerous reasons but the 2 primary ones being my mental illness and his infidelity. I am 35 weeks pregnant with his child and feel I have lost everything in the blink of an eye. the break up took my friends, my home, my financial security, my hope and goals for the future, my sense of who I was, and all that I was living for. My panic attacks have returned as has the overwhelming feeling that I am a "bad person" and shouldn't be allowed here on this earth. I feel that the pain isn't worth it and that the future is too bleak and painful to consider staying around. These feelings have surrounded me for most of my life, however they've returned to a horrible extent after this massive setback. But amongst all this there are rare and fleeting moments of hope where I feel I can be happy again with a new love, life, and well being, and while those moments are rare, they currently hold me together. 

I have a great support network of family and mental health workers who are helping me through this tough time in my life though through this I hope to connect to others, hopefully make some new friends of my own, share my story, and continue my life long goal of reaching peace with my depression and anxiety... to become acquaintances with them rather than hiding from them. 

[TheSteve]

Hi Jess,

I'm sorry about your recent breakup. For a man to leave you 35 weeks pregnant is a low blow. I think you'll fine, in time, if somebody is willing to leave you in that position, all the while succumbing to their own issues with infidelity, then it is most certainly not YOU who is the "bad" person in all of this. Of that, I can assure you.

You are right in that the situation is tough. You are also right in your approach to dealing with it: building a support network of family and professionals to help you out. Plus, seeking friends and support, as well as opportunities to help others, here at YBB gives you a very important, meaningful existence in combination with your pending parenthood. For this, I applaud you and just want you to know you are loved and appreciated for it.

While being a new parent can be challenging, it seems you have built yourself a nice support network to help out with this. Therefore, I think you'll find that it will be a most rewarding experience that will help you personally mature and grow, to become a role model for the little one. Those moments of hope you describe, this is a glimpse of your true nature just under the surface of the pain you currently feel. Peel back the pain, don't identify with the negative feelings, and soon they will subside. Soon, you will have more important things to think about.

Come back and share with us more. Are you having a boy or girl? What names have you picked out? Are your parents excited to be grand parents? Where will your first vacation be with the little one? Will he/she be a beach baby? I'd love to know. I am a parent of one, also. And I'll tell you, it is great.

All the best to you, looking forward to  keeping the discussion going.

Steve

[Jessicat]

Hi Steve,

Thanks for the kind words. It really does help to know that there are people who respect me and think I'm doing ok 🙂

It's hard not to feel like my ex left purely because of me, that I have ruined my child's life, that all these horrible things are happening because of my choices. I've always felt like I'm a "bad" person and those thoughts have never really gone away, just pushed to the back of my mind. Maybe having someone who loved me was a bit of evidence that I mustn't be that bad, and those thoughts are coming back because he now doesn't feel that way.

Is it wrong of me to feel excited about having a child? I'm having a little girl who I would love to call Hayley. I am finding it really difficult to get excited about buying toys, thoughts of reading to her, or just sitting and laughing with the child... I feel like it is really wrong of me and that there is almost no point of getting excited, especially if she will be spending half her days at her dad's place. Is it also normal to feel nervous about her spending time at her dad's? He has a new partner and I worry that she will bond with my girl and take my place, and that the 3 of them will provide Hayley the perfect family life I currently can't.. that my girl will prefer her dad's new partner over me. These thoughts I also struggle with. He and his new partner want to be big part of her life, just not mine.

Guess as I previously stated I don't feel ok to get excited about her or her future so this is the first time thinking about her first vacation, or if she'll be a beach baby... But I guess she will be an outdoorsy, crafty, geeky, cat loving, masterchef haha. I love to cook and create and I guess I'd hope she and I will be able to enjoy these things together. I'm also studying animal science at uni so I hope she'll have a passion for animals and exploration like me.

I do hope I will be able to relax and bond with her, and enjoy parenthood as much as you.   

Oh and my mum is incredibly excited to become a grandparent 🙂

[TheSteve]

Good to hear from you Jess.

You know, the thing that jumps out at me from your note is the fact that all of the negative feelings about your future, all of your personal criticisms, all of your fears, don't actually have an existence in the real world.

Think about it: your happy existence was not, is not, and will not be, dependent on your ex-bf. He is not God, he is just another being, like you and I. You were born without him, you'll live without him, you can be happy and sad without him. It is your faulty habits of thought that find him to be a necessary component of you being a "good" or "bad" person. None of this is remotely true, and with your counselor you need to work through these thought processes and you will be fine. I promise.

It is ok to feel many things about being a parent. Happiness, sadness, stress, fear, anger, misery etc. You will feel all of these things at some point both in pregnancy and after your child is born. However, neither of the negative emotions can ever override your true nature - the joy of sharing a life with a little mirror image of you! Nothing can cover this up, once your child arrives. You will see. You have much to be optimistic about, and you will have experience a deep joy at becoming a parent. 

There is no need to fear your ex-bf and his partner ever being more to your child, than you. You are her mother, now and forever. You are the most important person in your child's life, period. This is unquestionable. Talk this through with your mother, she will understand and she'll tell you about the true bond between mother and child. It is irreplaceable, nothing compares and you should know this. Your fear is unfounded, and you need to realize this.

Keep thinking about the type of girl your daughter will be; what she will do; how you will share your time; how she will bond with your parents; the playground; school; the beach; the park, and so on. Because, that is the truth. Right there.

Let me know how things are going, all the best.

Steve

[Jessicat]

Hi Steve,

Thank you for your reassuring words 🙂

The break up has hit me hard the last few days. I feel I am sinking into depression. I miss my old relationship and ex, despite all the heartache and stress they both caused. I feel anger and hate at myself. I feel hurt that my ex loves someone else rather than me. I feel hurt that he and our old, shared friends are happy and moving on while I can't seem to even stop crying. I feel scared about my future, and am even beginning to dread going into labour... that thought is scaring me a great deal and I would do anything for it not to happen, nor to feel the baby move. I feel suicidal and while I don't feel I would go that far, the thoughts and sadness are becoming too hard to bare lately.

My ex has stated that he would like to see the child every second day until she is old enough ( he states a few months into her life) to start living half her time with him and his partner. If not, then he will pursue full time custody. I will fight this but at the moment it just hurts too much. I am really scared that when he comes over and I see him cuddling our girl, I will sink deeper into fear and depression as I witness the life that I could have had. I worry that it will hurt far too much for me to be able to cope and it's scary. 

Thank you for reassuring me that my happiness and sense of well being is dependant on me alone, however at this stage all I feel is hurt, fear, confusion, and on the growing occasion numbness. My support system is slowly being organised which I am grateful for. I guess I just have to try and remain positive and focus on creating happiness in my life when I can. I know the grief will last a while and that's ok, All in good time I guess... It all just hurts so much right now.

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[TheSteve]

Hey Jess,

Don't read too much into what your ex says. The fact is, he can try for any type of custody he wishes but given he left you while pregnant, started dating somebody else etc. this won't reflect all that well on his character. It is unlikely any judge would allow an arrangement (such as the child moving homes every second day or living half here/half there) that is so disruptive to a child's life. So, don't worry too much about this, he is just talking crap and quite frankly, he has no idea what he is talking about.

Don't forget, you are the mother and so long as you can offer the child a stable home, you won't have to worry about your ex and his new partner (who, he'll probably cheat on and dump in a year or so) playing "happy family" with your baby. Don't let this cloud your happiness, your recovery, and you moving on with your life. You have more leverage here than you know. It probably doesn't hurt to speak with a counselor or attorney as to what your options are, either. It is always good to get the facts and be armed with these.

The residual emotional effect from the breakup will continue to hurt you, but like anything, this pain will subside with time. Keep talking to people, keep reaching out, keep building your support network. You will find that things will improve, please just give it time and don't try to identify too much personally with the negative emotions.

All the best and let's stay in touch.

Steve