Inactivity

[nonsense]

I don't really know how to start this conversation. I hate to talk about my feelings. I think I try and turn my brain off and stay as numb as possible. Maybe I'll just say what's been going on lately.
I haven't been to uni and I've been actively avoiding my life for over 3 weeks. I have opened pages on mental illness multiple times, tried multiple times to do one of the things that might get me going again. But I think I know each time that, really, I'm not going to do anything about it. Avoidance is a really key characteristic of mine. I don't really act until I'm forced to, and I think I feel secure in the knowledge that nothing really bad has happened to me and I don't think I really understand consequences to my actions. I have had the beyond blue page open on my laptop for weeks and yesterday evening I finally tried opening a webchat but I exited before connecting to someone about 6 times. I started crying and felt sick in my stomach. I decided that when my housemate came home I'd tell her I wasn't ok and ask her to make sure I got out and talked to a psychologist or someone today but when she got home, her boyfriend was back from a holiday and was with her. I couldn't bring it up and acted as though everything was fine last night and this morning. After she got home last night I wrote down some of my feelings and decided to go see someone and show them as I'm not sure I can get it out in words. I didn't do that, I stayed in bed. The idea of going to the counselling at uni makes me really anxious that I'll run into someone I know and I won't know what to say.

I've finally acted. I just called my mum and asked my parents to come over and help me to get help. They're on their way but I don't really know what to say or how to say it. I think I'm just going to ask them to make sure I see someone. The idea of showing what I wrote, and talking to a stranger is easier to me... I don't really want to change, I want to stay inactive and numb but I know I can't. How do you find the motivation to change? I don't want to change, I just know I need to. The idea of talking to someone scares me. I'm really bad at expressing my feelings, or even understanding them myself

[alicesunset]

Hi Nonsense,

This is my first post so I also don't necessarily know how to write this correctly, but I'd like to put out a helping hand even if it isn't the best.

I completely know how you feel. I previously had issues of my own and I wanted to keep them to myself than go to someone, it was just more comfortable that way. But, hiding them was the worst thing I could do because I couldn't do anything to fix my situation. Like you, I told my parents and I visited a psychologist multiple times.

I know it's scary or unfamiliar territory speaking to someone about these things, but it is the best thing you can do. It helps you open up and understand that you aren't the only person feeling these feelings. Remember, psychologists are specialists in situations like these. They can assess your feelings and comprehend what you are trying to say and what you should do. They can make sense of things that even you might not understand yourself.

In regards to motivation, you are already one step there! You've brought the courage and strength to do something about your situation. This will be like a snowball effect - this small action will build upon itself and eventually become larger.

Hope everything goes well,

-Alice

[baet123]

Hey Nonsense,

Welcome to the forums and the amount of courage, bravery and resilience you have displayed by posting on the forums and expressing yourself is amazing and its a huge step forward towards your progression and recovery. Your really should be proud of yourself mate.

Sorry to hear that you have been struggling and are struggling at present. Alice has made some great points above. I also think you are being a bit too hard on yourself but we are always our harshest critics right? What your going through is extremely normal so don't stress! You will get through it mate and better days are ahead!

For many people experiencing what your going through, the notion of time and being ready for change is so important. It took me years to want to change and to come to a point where change was actually realistic and achievable. I can tell that you want to improve but maybe you just need a little bit more time. I think expressing your emotions and slowly getting better at this will have great benefits to your overall well-being.

It is amazing that you have a solid support network in place.

Please keep us updated and wish you all the best,

Nick.

[LetTheWorldTurn]

Hi nonsense,

Thanks for sharing your situation, and I'm sorry you're feeling so unwell at the moment; it sounds like you are in a lot of pain.

Well done for reaching out for help through beyondblue, these forums and getting the help of your parents. I found it very, very difficult to admit at first I had a problem, but then felt a lot better when I did and was getting the help I needed.

If your university offers free counselling services they are a fantastic resource that you can take advantage of, I wish I had used them more during my uni years! I think seeing a psychologist or counsellor might help you get some of these thoughts straightened out and to get a much clearer picture of where you are at.

Motivation is a tricky one, and it's something I've struggled with too. Maybe for now just keep focused on the next step in the process, making sure you're getting some help. The motivation will return in time.

I wish you the best of luck, and happy to answer any questions you might have.