I’ve completely lost my way

[Shannon123]

Hi my name is Shannon and I am 49yo male.

I’ve suffered with mental health for many years, but all of my 40’s it’s really gone off the rails. I’ve been in and out of a few mental hospitals and seen so many doctors and psychiatrists in my years and been on countless medications.
I was an athlete most of my years and have represented Qld and Australia in sport. I’m a published songwriter, published poet and multi award winning photographer. But I have completely lost my way and now pushed everyone away for the past 2 months as I now live alone in a van and go no where or do nothing. It’s really eating me away and yes I’m scared of where my life has ended up!
The biggest problem you face when your in such a deep dark hole, is trust! Trusting people, I have been lead down so many dead end roads and faulse promises or lack of help that I trust no one anymore and with that I’m falling deeper and deeper and seriously frightened that I will never get out.

Every single day now is just a constant blur. Your thoughts, your vision and your fight for life are all thrown into a uncomfortable feeling of despair and self unworthyness.
I have tried everything and completely lost on what to even do next or how to get out of this huge mess. All you ever wanna do is wake up and it was just a bad dream, but then the realisation of it all is it’s no dream, it is reailty.

It is so hard to explain it to total strangers and people have there own opinion’s and judgment, which leaves you very fragile. Which will then put my mental illness into instant fright and flight mode and I go straight back into hiding… I hate it, I hate everything about it…. It’s torture, it’s cruel, it’s unfair and so very debilitating.
Through all these years suffering I’ve been diagnosed with a few things. PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder and Bi Polar. And when you read up about them, yes I am all these things. But Why?

I need honest and approachable guidence, but where do you go where there is trust and real guidance! The mental health system is a major let down and the hospitals are only there to save you if your suicidal. If you even front up there they make you feel worse and belittled and unworthy. That is fact as I have been in and out of the system for the passed 10 years, but yet I’m left feeling worse!
I do not what to lose the battle, I am worth fighting for and I’m down on my knees begging for serious help!

Please I am begging for honest guidance and serious help…

Shannon

[Sophie_M]

Dear Shannon,
 
Firstly, welcome to the forums. We are so glad that you found your way to this supportive and welcoming community. We hope that you find ideas, options and support from the shared experiences and knowledge of all our members.
 
We are sorry to hear that you feel things have steadily gotten worse over your 40’s, fluctuations in your mental state are a normal part of the ongoing journey of recovery and we hope you take time to recognize good moments and positive steps in your mental state, even if these improvements feel temporary.
 
As you have stated that you have been in multiple mental health facilities can we assume that you have a treating G.P or psychiatrist? We would suggest talking to your G.P as they are your primary care provider and would be the best person to discuss any changes in how you’re feeling and to discuss options or treatments available.
 
We have a few numbers and links that we have provided for you, we encourage you to contact and engage with any of these services that you may feel comfortable with. We understand that waiting times and services received through emergency departments can vary depending on demand, but we encourage you to continue seeking out services and assistance as needed despite setbacks.
 
If you need more immediate contact, please use our Beyond Blue support service 24/7, either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
 
We would also recommend checking out MensLine Australia at https://mensline.org.au/ or via phone
on 1300 789 978.
 
One further resource for you to look at, as you are currently living in your van is Services Australia. They have guides and links to government approved services regarding housing, finances, and employment. We would highly recommend seeing what services, assistance and support is available specific to your situation and location, while you are processing your decision. You can access this service via their website, https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/
 
If at any point that feeling of ‘suicide feels like the only way out’ becomes overwhelming or you do not feel safe, we urge you to contact emergency services on 000.
 
We hope that you find the support and direction that you are seeking on the forums. Once again, we are so glad you have joined the forums and we hope that you feel welcomed into the community. 
 
Warm regards

Sophie M

[That Other Guy]

I'm not sure what advice I can offer except trying to make the system pay attention to you and give you help you need. It sounds like you're pretty isolated, perhaps you could try to find ways to make more connections with people who are likely to be understanding, even if it's online.

I'm not sure I have much useful to offer except I wanted to say your story really moved me and I really feel for you. I hope things get better,

[Petal22]

Hi Shannon123,

Wellcome to one forums!

Im sorry you are feeling this way I understand it’s really hard but there is hope.

Mental health conditions can be really cruel I understand.

Sometimes I believe we are given certain challenges in life the challenges are there not to defeat us but for us to learn how to rise above them and use those challenges as a way of growth for us.

I understand we ask ourselves why? Why me?

I went through a huge mental health journey….. it challenged me in so many ways….

I was diagnosed with severe anxiety OCD this disorder was a absolute marathon for me it took a lot of perseverance but after the long journey I had with it I’ve now recovered thanks to the professional help I received…. It wasn’t easy it was the hardest thing I’ve been through…. It bought me to my knees.

I would ask myself why me too? But then I decided to change that question to myself to what is this trying to teach me?

I did an amazing group therapy for the condition I was in the grips of, this therapy taught me so much and a lot about myself.

I believe I was given these challenges in my life so I could come through them and be on the other side of them to help others who are going through similar conditions.

What you are going through isn’t for nothing…………..

There is a path forward for you, you just need to find it.

Have you ever done any therapy for your conditions?

Never loose hope…

[debdetdut]

Hi Shannon,

I completely hear what you're saying. It is hard to be labelled and yet not helped as you hoped for, but it seems like you have a fair bit to be proud about in other ways and have an impressive skill set! It seems you're an artist of many talents and maybe that is a label worth hanging on to, that needs no meds. Sorry all i can do is encourage you to be you, but maybe that would be pretty damn cool

[Karen0901]

I have had a similar experience with mental health services but in the end, they are all we have. It's better than nothing. Sometimes you get lucky and they give you a solution you didn't think of or didn't think would help and all of a sudden, you realise things are getting better. They are also helpful to calm you down, when you are at a peak period of distress.

There is always hope. The person you need the most is you. You need to be working on your problems because no one can do it for you and doing nothing will achieve nothing. You seem to be doing that by coming on Beyond Blue, so keep going.

My suggestion would be to focus on the easiest problems to solve and work your way to the harder ones. If you need more specific guidance maybe you could do a post on these specifically.