I thought I had beaten depression

[Ludwig729]

Hi All,

I really appreciate anyone taking the time to read this, just the idea that someone is listening is comforting. I had a battle with depression a few years ago and thought I was over it, I hadn't felt this sadness and anxiety until now. I had lost a number of family members to a natural disasters overseas, but the deaths that hit me hardest were the 3, 5 and 7 year old nephews who I had helped raise and saw as younger brothers. I was 21 at the time and the day I got the news was the week of their birthdays, I had kept their presents ever since. I felt so sad, anxious and unsure, it was easily the worst time of my life, but with the support of the one councillor I felt comfortable with, and some medication I got through it.

Last week my house was broken into and I lost everything, but I only cared about those presents. I am having those negative thoughts again about myself simply not being good enough. I am feeling the survivor's guilt again and I am scared, it almost ruined me last time and I don't know where to turn too. I have a loving family and extremely close friends but I don't think they can understand and I like to keep my things private. I know they will help but I feel like a burden, I can't help it. I find the local councillors unreliable and very patronising so I can't turn to them, hence why I am on here. Maybe I need to vent, I just don't know. I feel really okay with my friends in a social environment, but the second I am alone those thoughts come back, why should I live and they not, why am I so lucky? I should stress I am not suicidal in the slightest but the guilt is messing with me and I don't know who to turn to, so I thought I'd see the community here.

Thanks for listening.

[Quercus]

Hi Ludwig729 and welcome to the forums,

I'm a bit awkward/unwell at the moment so I really hope I don't say the wrong thing. But I wanted you to know others were reading and cared.

Grief is different for everyone. Some days we think we're doing ok and then something happens and the pain and loss hits like a tidal wave out of the blue. I feel so angry at the person who broke in and stole those presents that were deeply important to you. No wonder you aren't feeling well.

I can relate to feeling afraid of going downhill again. It is very difficult when you have felt stable to then feel like it is starting all over again. I hope you can take comfort in knowing you survived the first time and are capable of doing so again. We are here for you too.

You said the counsellors felt patronising... Do you feel willing to try again? Finding the right therapist is trial and error. Some are just a bad fit for you.

It is important that you have some sort of medical support offline though. Even checking in with your GP is better than bottling it up. I wonder do you think finding a local grief support group might help? Or perhaps trying a helpline just to talk to someone until you feel able to reach out to your friends and family? Or writing here is absolutely fine too. You're among people who understand.

I hope you feel welcome here and safe to speak your mind. Join in wherever it feels right for you.

Nat

[geoff]

Hello Ludwig, thank you for posting your comment which is so sad to read, the loss of your two young nephews and now to be robbed must be an awful feeling for you, I'm so sorry this has happened.

When you are with your friends it seems as though you can be happy but as soon as you are by yourself all the pain and suffering returns.

Pretending that there is nothing wrong with you will become exhausting and there will come a point when it becomes too much, that's why it's important to get help now, although it's great to talk with you.

Being broken into is frightening, it's happened to me when I was married and all our wedding photos were taken so I know how you feel, but urge you to go and see your doctor.

Once this happens then you might feel like talking to your family, you just need to gain a little strength and that can also be done by talking with us because each one of us has been through our own type of depression and know exactly how you feel.

I feel for how you are at the moment.

Geoff.