I just don't know, sometimes it feels the world conspires against you and there just isn't anything I can about it. I guess my mother was right, I'll never amount to anything because I'm useless, I'm 47 by the way, she's in a nursing home and I don't have any contact with her for my own mental health but sometimes I feel those words are spot on.
My husband says I need to get a job because our finances are stretched so thin we can't afford for anything to go wrong but everything always does and I understand that. I've had jobs over the years starting in the clothing manufacturing industry that is basically non existent now and had a job working as phone customer service rep for a few years and that was the most anxiety producing job I have ever had, I quite for a number of reasons one of which I sunk into a deep depression/anxiety ridden hell and also had to have my gallbladder removed and found out I'm hypothyroid. I'm too fat and ugly to get past any interviews now and I dont want to go back to customer service. I've been trying painting as that's something I enjoy and was hoping to make some side money off that but today the reality set in that it is a hopeless endeavour. I tried to sell two painting on gumtree and facebook but haven't had any interest at all. I have no friends literally, I created my facebook in the hopes of using to sell paintings but have only one ex- aquaintance from my old job as a friend but that's ok I'm not into social media and really only created it for one use.
The back neighbours which is a unit complex planted a massive tree on the fence line that grew into a monster and sent roots around our pool and under our concrete foundation ( I had a massive panic attack when I discovered it), it's also pushing on the fence which today partially collapsed. I've been in communication for almost 12months about the issues but it feels like they are just ignoring me hoping it will go away. They say work has been approved but that was before Christmas. We've had issues for the past 2 months to get our internet and phone line restored and dealing with both Optus and Telstra has been soul crushing, I ended up calling the ombusdman for that, hopefully at least that will get fixed eventually. It just feels like no one cares about us and we can't afford to do anything about it.
Oh and last year I found an escort service on an old credit card statement while cleaning out papers, I haven't said anything because I don't trust myself to mess it all up further so I've kept to to myself for the last 6 months, I don't have anyone to confide to anyway, I decided I would try to put off processing this for now but it's still there bubbling up now and then. Honestly the list of things that contribute to how I currently feel is too long to post because there is much much more personal issues.
Today I can't see a way out of my mess. I was really hoping I that selling artwork on the side was "my thing", i'm devastated that it's not. I thought if I could get one small success somewhere it would be like a sign I'm on the right track but the stupid thing never comes. I don't know what to do. Apologies if this post is not coherent, I have lot to get off my chest and I don't know what to do.
