I'm new

Guest015 · ‎02-12-2019

Hello everyone, I only decided to post here as I feel I have no other option at this point

I don't know when exactly it began but I feel it was the strongest throughout this year..

Earlier this year I had awful thoughts and was extremely close to suicide and I was physically in pain from the mentality.

I've done awful things I feel, but that's all in the past now... Or is it? I thought so, but recently I've been getting the same feeling as before, I really don't want this back, I thought I was happy

I guess it was me pretending so immersively... Acting like it wasn't truly there at all.

The fact is, I've had what I feel like is enough from my family and friends, but I just don't ever FEEL loved, I don't feel included in some things, I feel like I'm missing something

I should mention the thoughts; why? Why am I like the way I am? I simply do not understand why my brain functions the way it does, I sometimes feel happy, I'm enjoying myself, but at times, I feel.. well depressed

I always feel obliged to apologise for my actions if I feel I've done something wrong, but most of the time I am not actually sure if I have done anything wrong. It kills me when talking to people because I really struggle to "be interesting" and keep a conversation going. I really struggle to understand when people are joking, most of the time I take things too seriously and eventually get angry and due to my anger, I hate myself

I really don't understand myself at all, my brain is amazing, but so dumb. I think highly of myself, but I also don't. I am "sweet" but also a horrible person. My brain loves to switch things from time to time, and I honestly don't understand how, I've never seen anyone online have the same problem. By this "problem" I am referring to something like extreme depression to happy, to extreme anxiety, to brain-dead, to pyschosis, to low pyschopathy, to happy and acting as nothing is bad, to more, I just don't understand

I feel as if as reset button would solve everything, I do-over in life is all I need

If you took the time to read this, I appreciate it, "talking about your problems helps", I can assure you, it doesn't help me, I've tried and it didn't do anything but kill me more inside... "Go see a doctor", this also is something I cannot do. I can't tell my parents this, I can't have anything on them, I can't have them take away the only things that make me happy because they don't think so, I just can't, addressing would be much too awkward and embarrassing

geoff · ‎02-12-2019

Hello, and appreciate you posting your comment.

The situation you are in at the moment is how you are feeling, not what or how your parents are feeling or how they would react because it's your life, not what they would expect you to be like, you can't keep pretending for their sake, because that's not going to make you any better.

I realise this takes strength, but write down how you feel and what is causing your problems on a piece of paper, then you can pass this over to them, this will break the ice.

Can you also do the K-10 test, I can get the link for you, it's just that I have to go out now, and will get back to you, but if type it in your search browser it will appear.

Take care.

Geoff.

ShyLizard · ‎02-12-2019

Hi Guest015,

It sounds like you're going through a very scary and confusing experience. I'm glad you've reached out to this forum, because sometimes all you can do is try to find other people who understand what you're going through. So you don't feel alone in your suffering and like you're 'abnormal'. I can relate to the sudden changes in emotions and conflicting feelings about yourself. I've spent my entire life trying to understand myself, and I feel like this is a never-ending process. I think we are all a combination of attributes like "smart/dumb", "sweet/horrible" etc. Nobody can be one extreme all of the time.

Believe me, I know what it's like to struggle to be interesting during a conversation. To feel like you have to impress people to be loved. It sounds like you struggle a lot with self-acceptance, which is similar to me.

I don't have the answers, but know that it's not your fault that your mind feels messed up. Various factors contributed to it being that way, and you need to find a way to be kind to yourself and accept all the parts that you don't like. You don't need harsh judgement from yourself on top of any you might get from others. Easier said than done, I know, but I feel this is a key part of it all.

If you don't have a support network then I recommend continuing to share your experiences on this thread so others here can support you along the way. There are plenty of people here who relate to the feelings you are going through...

Guest015 · ‎03-12-2019

I feel as if I have no reason to feel like I do. I don't think I have any reason to feel like I do

This is the biggest problem, and I'm clueless on how to fix it properly

ShyLizard · ‎03-12-2019

I understand what you mean. I often feel like there is no good reason for me to feel depressed and my brain is just faulty. But there are probably many subtle things going on in your mind that affect you, which are beyond your conscious awareness. Often if we are prone to depression, little things trigger us in a more exaggerated way than ordinary people (at least I have found that to be the case in my experience). Try to pay attention to any specific thoughts you were having at the time your mood changes. It may seem insignificant at the time, but certain thoughts tend to bring up deeper underlying issues. Eg. A thought like, "They must think I'm boring" starts a whole process which taps into your belief that you might be inadequate as a person. And that will shift your entire mood.

laira · ‎03-12-2019

Hi guest015

I completely understand what you mean and how you feel about not telling you parents and you don’t think talking about it helps because I’m in a similar situation too.
I do have one person that I talk to, a friend who helps me get through hard times and when I feel angry at myself. If you can, just tell one nice, friendly and supportive person about how you are feeling, but not all the details at first. I found that even though I could not talk about it out loud, I could text this person and it would help.
If you know a person who would be supportive of you, start talking to them and it might help, or at least provide a barrier that would help you not do anything bad and possible help you feel better.

hope you can find a friend to talk to and everything works out okay.

laira

Guest015 · ‎03-12-2019

The main problem with finding someone to talk to is that I did talk to a friend before. I feel as if he just got sick of it and I don't want other people to have to listen to it

I don't think I have anyone that will really listen, plus I don't want to ruin any relationships by seeming so annoying

How would I talk to someone anyway, what do I say?

laira · ‎03-12-2019

To Guest 015

According to the person I talk to, that just wasn’t the right person. Maybe they had other things happening in their lives or didn’t know how to help and it frustrated them. Reaching out to others is really important, even if you don’t want to talk about that stuff to them but just spend time together. Friendship is a great way to make you happy, even or especially with just one or a couple of close friends.

I don’t know if this is helpful or not, but hope it is.

laira