I'm new here and wondering if I belong?

[BelleG]

Hi. This feels like a big step for me but an important one. I'm here because feel adrift and emotionally exhausted. Maybe it is time to reach out and find out how other people cope? This isn't easy for an introvert like me but maybe it will help to know I am not as alone as I feel; maybe there are other people in the same boat as me? The thing is, I've been getting messages from the people around me that I am my own worst enemy, or I'm just feeling sorry for myself. But am I? I truly feel as if everyone relies on me, but no one actually asks 'How are you coping??'

[BelleG]

Hi Mark. Thanks for your reply .... Yes, we are still together and he wants to 'start again.' My problem is we have started again several ties and I am weary, and wary, of things getting better and then going downhill again.

It feels as if, in this last week I am just not functioning and I don't know how to get myself back on track.

Belle

[therising]

Hi Belle

You're a beautiful and brilliant combination, I must say. A creative writer, a carer of others, a 'feeler' (sensitive in so many powerful ways), an occasional risk taker/life changer, a mum, a philosopher and so much more.

As a 51yo gal, I find the older I get the more some things can become a little fearful. I figure it's because the parts of me that are destined to come to life are the parts of me I'm either not entirely aware yet of or I simply haven't learned to fully channel. I believe we have a whole stack of facets to us. If you can imagine an old style wagon wheel, at the core there is the hub or the core sense of self. All the spokes are the different aspects or offshoots of who we are. It's a matter of 'pick your spoke' when it comes to which part of us we need to bring to life at any given time. Whether it's the creative aspect, the fearless one, the analyst, the demanding and self respecting aspect, the feeler, the sage or some other part, they're all there.

Perhaps it is 'the cartographer' you're looking to channel, a part that is able to map the way forward. If so, I can relate. Personally, I can't stay in the place I'm in for much longer. That place is a depressing marriage. With my husband being a basically nice guy, we've just grown apart to the point where we see and feel life so differently. He's more inclined to shut down communication that leads him to feel uncomfortable, rather than open it up in ways that help the relationship evolve. Basically, I have to suppress parts of myself so as not to rock the boat too much. As you would know Belle, being a people pleaser has its down side. It can get depressing. Having escaped 15 or so years of depression some time back, I vowed never to go there again and I'd do whatever it took not to. What does my map look like? Not sure. I never really thought about channeling 'the cartographer' in me until now. I have you to thank for that. Chatting with you has triggered me to greater consciousness and it's much appreciated.

Belle, I've found one of the key strengths of a gaslighter to be...the can easily mess with our imagination. How dare they. The imagination is a beautiful and incredibly powerful thing yet, when manipulated, can create a kind of hell on earth at times. It's unfair what your mum and partner have led you to imagine over the years. Imagine you're not the problem. Imagine yourself as actually having been the solution, when it comes to other people's evolution.

[FightingForSanity]

Hi Belle,

I’m a newbie here as well, unsure how I fit in and whether this is the right place for me. I just wanted to address what you said about people not understanding and saying you’re just feeling sorry for yourself. Before I was diagnosed with depression, I had similar thoughts. I used to look at people with depression or other issues and think “ok so you feel sad, just get over it and move on”. It wasn’t that I was trying to be hurtful or vindictive, it was just that I had never walked in their shoes and couldn’t place myself in their position and understand what they were experiencing. Never feel like you have to justify how you’re feeling, to you or to anyone else. If you’re experiencing it then it is real to you, and it doesn’t matter whether anyone else thinks it’s reasonable or makes sense or anything else. I don’t know if you will find what you’re needing here, or whether I will either, but I wish you nothing but the best in your journey and am always up for a chat anytime.

[BelleG]

Thank you. I'm not here often but every time I log on I tell myself I should be more proactive and make more use of the forums. It's sometimes a struggle to find the time (probably because I'm still looking after others rather than myself). I hope the sanity you're fighting for is yours soon ... take care ... and if you're still part of this forum I'd love to chat.

Belle

[therising]

Hi Belle

Just checking in to see how things are going. Any new revelations that have come to mind?

I love positively mind altering revelations Belle. There's something energising about them. It's like you can look back over time at years of a certain behaviour of your own or someone else's when suddenly it hits, 'That's the reason. I never realised 'til now. It all makes perfect sense. How did I miss that?!'. Might sound strange but I always know when I'm on the verge of a mind altering life changing revelation because what always precedes it is me becoming incredibly down. I suppose you could say the process is kind of like me becoming down through something that's naturally depressing and then facing the job of raising myself through that (typically with a lot of questioning) in order to finally reach the revelation. Can be hard work at times, rising up through and beyond the dark part of the process. Especially tough when you can feel the nature of the challenge (one that's saddening/sorrowful, angering, confusing, frustrating etc).

I believe incredible revelations hold the power to reform us, reshape us, reinvent us 🙂