I’m just tired of being tired

[AnnonE]

I recently got a new house, new job, amazing boyfriend

you would think I would be the happiest person but instead I’m having these awful days more and more now

i just cry and cry, I take it out on my partner who does nothing but try look after me

I feel worthless, I don’t want to look in the mirror ever anymore because I hate everything that I see even though I’m continuously losing weight, I haven’t had sex in weeks because I don’t want to get undressed and I feel disgusting and have no want to

I am always so exhustaed and just want bed, even though I already sleep 9 hours a night

I can’t talk to anyone because I’ve never been able to communicate verbally ever about any of my problems no matter how much I’m struggling I can’t

I don’t have many friends anymore and the few I do I just can’t ever find the energy or want to see them

I get home from work and just want to be alone and not near my boyfriend which kills me because what kind of a girlfriend would rather be alone then with the one she loves.

i don’t want to be sad anymore.

i want to be who I once was. “I want my Happy e back” my boyfriend says

it makes me cry even more because I don’t know where she has gone

[Croix]

Dear AnnonE~

I found that the original me was still there, but completely hidden away under depression, anxiety and PTSD. It took a fair amount of help, plus time but nowadays the original me is mostly back, and I'm OK. I can love and am loved in return. I have occupation, achievement, satisfaction and feel I'm worthy.

You sound very much as if you need help too. All that disgust with self is wrong, exhaustion, crying, all the rest. It is a terrible way to be and you need better. It does not matter how good things seem on the outside, house, job, boyfriend. It is how they are inside you. It is not surprising you want to be alone after work, the mind can only deal with so much, and another person around, no matter how loving, can simply be too much.

You said you cannot communicate verbally so never talk to anyone about all this. There is no need to, simply print out you post, book a long appointment with your GP and show it. What you have written is plenty good enough to get things moving.

If you are not happy with it then take a couple of days and write out a fuller version - point form is fine. Then do two copies and share the paper. I've found several things doing this. By taking time I get it down more or less in an orderly manner plus I get a chance to remember what I've forgotten. Point form saves work and is easier for the doctor to read. Most importantly it's then too late to chicken out on the embarrassing or frightening things.

Writing here was a good move, we understand exactly how you feel, and people like me can say it gets better - and are telling the truth.

Actually I think you are doing a pretty good job, managing work when in this situation, and I'm really glad you have a boyfriend that loves you. Don't be afraid to lean on him, love means a person will want to help and shoulder the burden. My wife did that, a most difficult time for both of us. Later we were both glad she did. Later again the positions were reversed and I was strong for her.

Under all that grief and despair you are a lovely caring person. I noticed you tried to encourage CyberKingKong despite how you feel - that's a pretty good thing to do. You feel sad for your boyfriend too.

It does get better, you have started that journey by coming here, time for the next step.

Please keep on talking, it can help

Croix

[quirkywords]

AnnonE

Welcome to the forum. Thanks for taking the time to post here and share your thoughtd.

So many people reading your words can relate to what you are saying whether because it is they feel now or how like me, they felt in the past.

I had someone say to me, you are nut much fun anymore and I wasn't how could I when I had to use all my energy to get out of bed.

Croix has written a supportive and helpful reply.

It is awful when you feel like you do and all your thoughts are negative. There is help and as Croix says you made a first step by writing your post.

I am not sure if you have kept or do keep a journal as I find it so helpful to write down my thoughts and it helps me sort out my ideas. If you like to draw you can draw or doodle in your journal.

Feel free to keep posting here. You are not alone.

Quirky