I know something is wrong with me

[Tim1990]

Hi everyone,
I'm posting because I believe it gets better.
I moved out of my parents house at 20 because I just couldn't handle it anymore and honestly probably lived anxiety free for a while.
I got a job in a restaurant and it all kind of disappeared. I think the fact that I was forced to talk to customers and I could be anyone I wanted to be was soothing.
My brother needed a room mate and I figured why not. I then quit my job because I thought I could get another easily and soon. This is kind of where it got bad.
I won't go into too much detail but these were some things I did.
I would hide from my brother, not leave the house until he was gone in case he saw me. I've stayed in my room for full days without food.
I had a friend who'd come over regardless if I picked up or not. I ignored his calls and he just rocked up one time. From that point whenever he called I'd pack up and drive 10-15 minutes away and stay in my car for hours until I thought he wouldn't be near to see me.
I don't go in the kitchen to cook. I buy canned foods, pre made stuff and store it in my room. Stopped all contact with anyone.
This went on for maybe 3 months.
Family decides to open a restaurant, I have a job again.
My life is still the same during the job except it's only at home when im scared.
We close restaurant and it's back.
Today I had a defrosted pizza because I thought I'd have time today to chuck it in the oven real quick. But I didn't hear him leave and his door was only slightly open instead of fully open so I couldn't tell if he was home.
I brought mum's sandwich press thing thinking I could have some hot food in my room but it's way too loud.
I try to be as quiet as possible in my room, don't want my brother to hear anything. I'm writing this post in a carpark 5 minutes from the house. Waiting until it's 6:00 so when he gets home he won't think I've been in my room all day.

I think I'm pretty good at faking it. No one really knows except maybe my sister.
After typing this all out, sounds like I just need a job and move out.

I would like some help but this feels mild compared to the other posts on here.

I understand this isn't the usual format people have used on here and I don't really know what I'm trying to get out of posting this. I haven't sought after any help because I feel like I know the solution. Find something bigger than this anxiety. Just haven't found it yet.

Thanks for reading through my thoughts.

[MsPurple]

Hi Tim and welcome to the forums

It sounds like you are struggling with your mental health and it has started to take over your life. Is that how it feels for you? It sounds like it has started to take the better of you and you are no longer wanting to see family, friends or do every day tasks such as cooking. It also sounds like you are a bit ashamed and embarassed by this, because you are trying so hard to hide it from people. Are you afraid of letting people know?

I want you to know that it does get better. When I was in a dark place, I hated it when people said that. I didn't believe them. But it is true. But it does take some work. I found it tough to actually do something about it. I suggest discussing it with your doctor and getting a mental health care plan done, this allows you to see the psychologist through medicare (let gp know if you need to see a bulk billing psychologist) They help you work through it all. It does sound tough and like a bit of work, but in all honesty. It was more work just getting through the day when I was at my worst, then seeing the psychologist and working on myself and getting my anxiety and depression under control.

I thought it maybe a good idea to suggest some resources on the beyond blue page to look at. Most of the information under the tab (on top of page) called 'the facts' is pretty useful. I also found this youtube clip useful. It described a lot of what I was going through. Made me realise that the feelings I was having, was normal for someone with anxiety, which was a bit reassuring. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mi6INfrkODk&t=18s

If you have anything you want to discuss with me or chat about we are all here to support each other

[beetlebear]

Hello Tim,

Thank you for speaking so openly and joining the forums.

I was living in a share house, where I was afraid to make noise and to use the kitchen, I once got verbally abused by a housemate and it really impacted me. I now know it was because I was in a toxic environment. Why do you think you don't want to use the kitchen?

I have been kind to myself and have slowly been making better meals for myself and eating out in the dining room. You live there, you deserve to use the space as much as your brother.

I am not a professional, but it might be beneficial to talk to a gp, I was so scared before I went, but it turned out to be a positive action. I have trouble sometimes vocalising what I want to say, so I wrote everything down and read it off my phone to my gp.

I think taking care of your mental health is a journey, a bigger purpose won't automatically make it better. You sound like a wonderful person and you need to start being more kind to yourself. It's the little steps that make a big change.

[Tim1990]

Thanks for your replies!

Didn't know I could seek a psychologist through medicare. Something I will look into. Thank you again for taking the time to reply even though I have posted in the wrong section.

I will try and take more steps to get out of this hole I've dug myself in.

[MsPurple]

HI Tim

Yes you sure can see a psychologist through medicare. You need to book a GP appointment first.

So in the GP appointment (book a longer appointment) you need to get a Mental Health Care Plan. Once this is completed by the GP they will refer you to a psychologist (remember if you need to get it bulk billed tell the GP, maybe ask for two different referrals incase one has a really long wait time). This then allows medicare subsidies. Without this plan they can not claim through medicare.

🙂

[Lemmy]

HI Tim1990,congratulations first on starting to admit you have, in your mind a problem, its the first important step in recovery. It certainly sounds like you could do with some outside help, you don't have to battle things on your own.

I just wanted to add i have recently gone through some issues that made me realise i had to reach out for help. I have my own thread called "help accessing help" if you wish to have a read along my brief so far journey.
I can say it was hard to admit the things i was feeling to a doctor i didn't know and to ask for help. I was ashamed and embarrassed in openly crying in front of that dr. but it was worth the small time and huge effort invested. i went on to see a psychologist with medicare subsidies and it has opened a whole new world of possibility in getting better. And the light at the end of the previously very long tunnel is shining brighter and i can feel myself reaching it, slowly but surely. You can do this. I wrote down beforehand all the things i had been feeling and been dealing with, it helped me stay on path and not stray into a world of 'faking it' as you mentioned.
You have the BB forum here and the wonderful people here to help you along. keep the conversation flowing. even if you think its a silly question, ask