I feel myself drifting away from something good

[Wishful_thinking]

Hey everyone I've just made a new account and I have a long story but I'm hoping someone would be able to help

I've been with my boyfriend almost a year now and the relationship moved very fast, we started dating and withing two months he had a falling out with his parents so he moved in with me and my family, due to not having much room at mum's we lived in a tent in the backyard for just over 4 months,we are now in our own home and have a dog and two cats,everything was as perfect in the beginning but in the last few months it's like something has changed,we've both dealt with depression his was to do with broken relationshis and mine was to do with work and no self esteem,I've never been medicated once I left that job I was good, his really done nothing that should make me feel like I don't trust him anymore,I no his lies about a few things to do with his.personal life but I feel that he feels guilty,even after I've asked ,I dont appreciate lies, every relationship is hard work but I sometimes feel it's 1 sided,he tells me to talk to.him if something's up but he doesn't do that with me he will keep it to himself ,I dont know if it's a guy thing but when I bring it up to him he says his been hurt to many times that his gotten into a habit of pushing it down far enough not to feel, his been cheated on a few times and his other relationships failed, money is our biggest issue right now,we both have good paying jobs but it seems that when we get on top something will happen and we're right back to where we started, I'm losing my self esteem again,I'm stuck in a rut and I can't seem to get out, everything just keeps going back to money,and with my partner Its like all the things I've kept from him to spare his feelings are starting to crack and I've spat the dummy a few times at him,I love this man so much and he saved me from going down a very dark path,we've said we want to have a family together and get married ,but sometimes I feel I don't deserve him and other times I feel he takes me for granted,I don't know what to do ..please help

[therising]

Hi Wishful thinking

I have found that relationships are pretty much defined by how we relate to not just our partner but also our self. By the way, relatability and skill do tend to be tied together:

• I relate to myself as being someone who can talk freely. I relate to my partner as being someone who can talk freely. We share a relationship of free communication. My/his/our skills in communication involve things like time management (setting aside time to talk), clear expression, compassionate attitude, listening carefully etc.
• I relate to myself as being someone who manages finances. I relate to my partner as being someone who manages finances. We share a relationship of financial management. My/his/our skills in financial management involve ...

You can see how when we're on the same page it's reflected in the relationship. Being on that same page definitely requires some skill and negotiation.

A rather negative example might look like this:

• I relate to myself as being someone who seeks excitement. I relate to my partner as being someone who is content in sitting around watching TV. We share a relationship of disconnection. If there are no skills present in the relationship which bring us together, we remain disconnected.

Skill development can be an exciting thing to undertake together in a relationship. Not only does it ensure the evolution of the relationship, it also provides a sense of personal evolution, as individuals. By the way, love is to be found in evolution (whether it be self-love or love shared with another).

Another benefit of skill development involves us being able to move forward. With a new mindset we are able to let go of those old negative mental programs which can run in our head, such as the programs relating to past relationships.

Have a think about what skills you'd like to develop. Try asking your partner what skills he'd like to develop within himself and the relationship. For you personally, skill development regarding self-esteem would be an avenue to consider. If you look up 'The six pillars of self-esteem', this may provide some insight. In my opinion, Nathaniel Branden is a legend when it comes to the topic of self-esteem.

Take care of yourself Wishful thinking

[geoff]

Hi and thanks for posting your comment, and welcome to the site.

What I'd like to say first of all is that you both love each other and have achieved so much but when you are faced with these particular problems they can grow into despair and frustration that only go around and around in circles because you could be stuck in a situation with no positive end result because you both have depression knocking on your door.

You are trying to fight this as well as certain other problems which often don’t go anywhere and just make things worse.

Can I suggest that you both consult with your GP and maybe organise couple counselling and accept any medication which your doctor offers you.

Problems develop in couples, it normally happens, it did with me, and sometimes we get bogged down we can't see the forest for the trees, try and get the help you need.

As you have been living together for quite a while, it's virtually being married already.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[wantalife]

Few reasons I've found people stay together and unfortunately it's not always love.

The very first of Maslow's Hierarchy of basic needs for survival.....(Abraham Maslow in his 1943 paper)

As your probably aware the order was laid as below, and if we look at the primitive aspects in which is

1. Physiological (Well nourished)
2. Safety (Shelter over your head)
3. Love /Sense of Belonging (Can't be underrated, it is addictive stimulates the releases numerous feel good chemicals. Ever had a friend that meets a new partner with each season)
4. Self Esteem. (This is what once was reaching a very real sense of contentment) many evolutionary, an economic factors have things running round the clock, and creating a super fast growing fringe society.

I worked extremely hard, had the family unit purring along (although I thought) and I don't blame myself for trying to keep up with the Jones's. Even at the expense of doing it tough and relationships and finance can create an extremely stressful situation.

You seem quite switched on in knowing whats lacking, and moving back in together under any circumstance I'd imagine difficult.

It's not my place to sway in any direction given the opportunity to talk together, as you described may even be a relief for him as he may have his own contributions and the combined may work.

Interesting however that replace a partner with close family member, (the stress it cause) take a look at the needs. More than a few mental health conditions I can map alongside specific neurotransmitter activity....

Thing is, it does SUCK! I lost my family, my home, alcohol addiction,hospitalizations, but I was also stubborn when I should not have been. You have some good insights, best of luck! OhP.S. took a little time? but recovered, am happy, and can even crack a joke. Thanks for reading..Oh, and Jeff!! Great to see mate, still remember how you helped me.

Stick around wishful thinking, definitely plenty of great people here.

Cheers Nick

1. Self Actualization

Depending on what your interpenetration as I tend to

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  Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs[dead link]
  ^ Jump up to:a b Maslow, A.H. (1943). "A theory of human motivation". Psychological Review. 50 (4): 370–96. doi:10.1037/h0054346 – via psychclassics.yorku.ca.
  ^ Jump up to:a b c d e f g h i j k Deckers, Lambert (2018). Motivation: Biological, Psychological, and Environmental. Routledge Press.
  ^ M.,, Wills, Evelyn. Theoretical basis for nursing. ISBN 9781451190311. OCLC 857664345