I don't know

[Norcourt68]

Every year, as far as I can remember during my time of schooling, I would be so optimistic of how the year will be mine to conquer and achieve all that I could. I would imagine for hours the kind of person I could be growing up and what career path I would've taken. Nothing unrealistic of course, like being the first female president of USA or anything. The issue I had/still have was giving up. I didn't even realise that I was doing it until I did it. I would skip school for weeks and just did the very least that was expected of me and to me that was just to be alive. To breathe to exist. Some days I get this unexpected feeling at anytime, no matter what I'm doing or who I'm with - the feeling of being ashamed. Not the kind of shame when you fart in public thinking it'll come out quietly and it doesn't. It starts with my body warming up, to my ears getting warmer. Then this heavy feeling on my chest pushing its way down to my stomach. As it pulls down my upper body, I look down and I keep looking down because for some reason if I tilt my chin up even just by a centimeter then everyone can see me. I'm talking about really seeing me. All the bad stuff I've done and been done by. Then everyone will stand there looking at me with their judgemental eyes and whispers. Then the feeling of being ashamed consumes my body as well as my mind, I cry. I don't even know how I've overwhelmed myself feeling that way and I try to snap out of it because its just so ridiculous but I struggle. I have to force myself to think of something else - what do i need to get from the supermarket? Carrots, milk, cereal...i try my hardest to just think even the most basic things because if I don't snap out of it then I don't know...

[Croix]

Dear NorCourt68~

Welcome. You have told a clear and graphic account of your life, and the mountain of trouble you are having. Posting here was a good move, as many have felt the same and want to help.

Grand hopes for the future when young, while not always realistic are natural and to be expected. They tend to be whittled down a little to size as life goes on, but not in a bad way, and not so one gives up.

Your account reminds me of part of what I went though. I had the misfortune to have PTSD, anxiety and depression. Your words echo in me from when my depression & anxiety altered my thoughts and was talking on my behalf .

All the bad stuff I've done .. looking at me with their judgemental eyes .. feeling of being ashamed consumes my body as well as my mind .. I've overwhelmed .. and so on

So, if I were you, I'd start to get out of the place you are in by booking a long appointment with your GP. Then taking the time to write down what has been happening to you, in detail, from the start. don't leave anything out through fear, shame or embarrassment. Then share that paper in the consultation and ask to be tested for depression and anxiety. (I write down as I don't think I'd get it all out properly otherwise, jumble, leave bits out and so on).

If your doctor thinks it's appropriate you may be put on a medical plan, have meds, go to a psychologist for therapy and guided self-help. Not an instant fix, but things can start to improve quite quickly.

You have not mentioned your own situation, do you have a family, is there anyone you get on really well with and trust? Support by those that care brought me here today.

If you get the chance have a look in The Facts menu above about depression and anxiety. Also have a browse of the Foum to see if others have been though a situation like yours.

Please post back and say how you are going.

Croix

[Starwolf]

Welcome to the forums, Norcourt.

Congrats for finding the courage to reach out and share your concerns with us. You have come to a safe place to do so. Kudos to you for acknowledging something is not right and needs attention.

First of all, I suggest you scroll down to the bottom of this page and do the K10 (anxiety/depression) test in the Facts section. It will give you a better idea of what you may be up against.

No need to struggle alone with this. An appointment with a GP will give you the diagnosis needed to find appropriate treatment. Anxiety, panic attacks etc...are medical conditions and should be considered and treated as such. With the right help and support, this distressful situation can be managed. Those conditions don't depend on the logical/reasonable area of the brain. That's why they are so difficult to make sense of... for both ourselves and those around us.

There are coping strategies which could help you over those rough patches. Research Relaxed Breathing, Relaxed Body Scan, Mindfulness. Check out/download the Smiling Mind app.

Navigating these forums will reassure you of that you are far from alone. They're a network of different people who are experiencing similar / related situations. I hope you can find comfort in this.

Kindest thoughts.

[Norcourt68]

I'm not sure if I'm ready to spill all of my personal stories to a stranger yet. I don't even think one person can handle what I have to say. I'm in my late 20s and I still haven't figured out how to handle myself. I've distant myself to a lot of people and don't even feel like any interaction with them. I'm not the same person as I was a couple of years ago and I feel like I don't know anyone anymore.

[Zeal]

Hi Norcourt,

You sound so distressed and confused. Is there a person in your life you are able to talk and relate to, even on a small level? One person's support can make a huge difference. While disclosing personal details to a doctor who you don't know well may seem intimidating, there are ways to make it less so. In a notepad you could write down issues, thoughts and topics to discuss, and take this with you to the appointment. If you start avoiding certain topics, you could make yourself hand the notepad list to your doctor. Handing my list to my GP as a teenager was how I admitted that I was developing an atypical eating disorder.

I hope you keep posting here 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Croix]

Dear Norcourt68~

I don't even think one person can handle what I have to say.

You are wrong you know, there are many wise, experienced and caring people in the world, some buried here in this Forum, many more outside. I'm not belittling your life and the things you face, just saying that you are not alone in having those experiences, and not alone in that some will understand and be able to steer you slowly to better things.

I am here today, and that is quite some proof.

Croix

[Starwolf]

Hi Norcourt,

I wonder what makes you think one person couldn't handle what you have to say. Professionals have heard it all...and some more. As Zeal suggested, writing it down would help.

When we lose trust, alienating ourselves is the understandable response. But evading contact and communication only serves to confirm the false belief that we are hopeless and unlovable...which is often what mental/emotional chaos tricks us into believing.

As for these forums, they're an impressive record of horror stories allsorts. If this can reassure you, bits and pieces of my own traumatic past are scattered all over them. This ranges from a childhood of physical, emotional abuse, more of the same later with sexual abuse thrown in the package , fearing for my life and almost losing it on different occasions, my father's suicide, being sole carer for a daughter with brain injury, cutting all contact with my family, losing an entire adoptive village and new family to the 2010 South East Asian tsunami etc...

The mental/emotional results were far from pretty to contemplate but there's been nothing but empathy and support from other BB members. You are safe to reveal as little or as much as you feel comfortable with, perhaps one tiny snippet at a time.

Whatever it is we are up against is better cast outside. There is no way we can repair damage we cannot confront. Whatever toxic waste is kept underground inevitably spreads unchecked to all areas of our life.

Each and everyone of us deserves to regain control and some quality of life. The right help and support would help you do that. You have already taken a courageous first step to reach out. I'm with you, face to face communication can be daunting. Perhaps "practicing" around this anonymous space could help you feel safer... one small step at a time.

Should you choose to do so, we're here to listen and support you the best we can.