I don’t exactly know what I am suffering with but some times I feel like I am my worst enemy

[Lily0809]

At any point in time where I am facing some difficulties I can feel like my brain is shutting down on itself. And like my brain doesn’t even though I don’t think at all and that is somehow my coping mechanism now. Just to recap of that my dad passed away when I was 22 and add to her and me are pretty much. Right after that I got to know that someone I trusted have broken my trust completely and has no regard for me where as I put that person on very high regards.

I was just broken and damage, I am the eldest and lots of things and my mother Is a housewife. My mother is a very strong woman but none of her children were very strong. The reason I consider why this happened it was because my mother had a very loving and caring and straight yet comforting Father.

my father was strict and he never used to communicate with us at all. Therefore after he passed arrive or three of us just wrote program. I think we were waiting to grow at home so that he could be our father. We were waiting to get to know him and being able to talk to him. That missed opportunity just broke me into million pieces and I didn’t known how to coup up with that, no one guided me in using the best technique to coup up from that! i have a very weird wiring if mind and that is to hide my true feelings. I practically have to fight with my mind like Legit I have to put up arguments for myself in order to be able to speak if something is bothering me (i am changing a bit but yet). This has brought a lot of negativity in my life that I can’t even begin to mitigate.

I have become a yes man kinda person. I watch a lot of TV just to ignore my feelings and that is how I can’t get anything done on time.
I have never ever said these things out loud cause thats how I am. U know how long it has been!? I am 29 years old now. It has been around a decade.

The anonymity and safety of this group compiled me to pour my heart out today. Specially because now I cant make any decisions and since I made one major decision recently I am in a turmoil that its wrong and I am going to disappoint my partner who is in my life for the long run.

My brain is shouting at me that “its not a joke its your life you need to get your shit together or else if you keep on making such bad decisions you would end up divorced. And you don’t wanna get divorced you have a sweet thing going on for you.” The other part of me says with no regards if my well-being “who cares lets watch tick tock or a movie or a drama series”
Lily.

[Emmen]

Hi Lily,

I'm sorry to hear of your circumstances. You're still dealing with issues arising from your relationship with your father, and unfortunately, these issues remain unresolved because of his passing. Yet I am glad this group has prompted you to open up and share your story with us. You've shown so much courage in opening up, and I wonder if you could take the next step to consult a GP? You didn't have anyone to guide you with processing your father's passing, but it doesn't mean you'll have to face the rest of your life without guidance. Seeking professional help now will give you an idea of how you can approach the future, to the life you aspire to with your partner. You've been suffering with this for close to a decade - perhaps it's time to address this issue once and for all.

Take care,
Emmen

[Lily0809]

Hey Emmen,

I would like to add one more bit of information regarding me. Well I wont call it one Bit of information!
I came to Australia in Sep of 2018 and recently I have acquired my Permanent Residency status. I came here on spouse visa.
after coming here I felt all alone all of a sudden! The time difference between my country and here is of 6hr which makes it challenging to talk to anyone at home other than my mom.
I have not made any sincere friends here, my social group and my husband’s social group is same (other than our work place )

honestly i don't have much of information about medical processes here and honestly sometimes I feel like I self sabotage myself by not even looking for answers. This group is a huge step for me. The only reason I can honestly Speak here is because i am anonymous here and it’s comforting talking to a stranger.

I went through a miscarriage in Jan 2019 and at the sometime found out that I am suffering through Hashimoto Hypothyroid disease. And I felt kinda betrayed by my body and honestly my husband was not v supportive at that time.
he said to me “what kinda person are you? You don’t even know about whats going on in your body? How could you not know about hypothyroid”

Those words were dagger to my heart.

During that whole process My Husband and I now have a mutual GP and I am not ready to show this side of me to my husband. Therefore, quite frankly I am a little hesitant to go to my GP plus If i will go to any other GP it would come into my records.

i am just so confused!
could you tell me what would my GP potentially do!? Would he be assisting me through it!? Or recommend me someone else!?

[Emmen]

Hey Lily,

We have something in common. Like you, I'm here on a spouse visa, although I arrived a year after you. I understand that feeling of being alone and dealing with time differences. It's tough to manage, but with long distance relationships, one party will have to move eventually. I like to think that those of us who moved for our spouses are pretty strong people - we have it in us to start again after giving up everything. So focus on that strength that you have. You've come this far already. You have it in you to go on.

Like you, my social circle is currently my partner's social circle, although I have every intention of trying to establish a social circle of my own in the long-run. In any marriage, I believe that's probably healthier for both parties to have their own friends because when times get tough, we'll have friends to confide in. In this regard, can I suggest you join some interest group after the COVID restrictions lift and meet people there? It could be something that's unique to you (e.g. knitting classes etc.), where you will meet like-minded people. There's a website called Meetup where you can find interest groups. Alternatively, see if your local council has any community activities happening.

I am really, really sorry about the miscarriage. I can't imagine how terrible you must have felt, thank you for sharing this with me. Your husband's reaction then was inexcusable, and I hope he has since learnt to be more sympathetic. It's no one's fault that you didn't know about the illness and I hope you are doing better now. I wish you could speak to your husband openly about how his words made you feel. I cannot imagine anyone saying that out of spite, perhaps he was grieving too at that point? Sometimes having an open conversation is the only way you can make sense of these painful memories.

With regards to the GP, as I understand, they will assess you and refer you to a mental health professional if need be. There are some articles on Beyond Blue about the process. Google "Getting support – how much does it cost?" and "Finding a GP that can help with mental health issues". Both are articles on Beyond Blue that could help. You also mentioned you're working. Could you check if your workplace has a counselling service? I understand some do have that. If that option exists, you may not even have to consult a GP (what I've been told by people who've talked to workplace counsellors).

Take care,
Emmen

[Lily0809]

I fo think he was grieving too but he wasn’t grieving with me. I guess we both were dealing with the complexity of a marital relationship.

Thank you soo v much for responding to me. You have no idea how much of help you have been lately!

I will definitely read the articles on beyond blue regarding getting support.

I felt heard and supported!

[hob2]

"but he wasn’t grieving with me. I guess we both were dealing with the complexity.."

WOW, u is a good person to see this, despite all yur probs

u still care for partner ! Stay strong coz i believe u are & he will see that too!