I do not know what is wrong with me

[MyBodyIsACage]

Hi..I am not sure what is wrong with me..i think am depressed... i think I was born that way.. I recall how i was a sad child..every night i think why am alive.. am 42 years old mother of two beautiful boys and a wife to a good husband.. moved to australia a couple of years ago..though i had an excellent career..a bunch of loving friends and family..i think i moved because i thought a new life might make me happy.. but no..nothing is working.. job is too bad..i figured out from searching the internet that i have anxiety and panic attacks probably.. my heart keeps racing..my stomach cramps..that happens in the job i had to work here to pay the bills..a call center..with every call drops those are the feelings.. scared ..i do not want to argue or fight with anyone..pls stay away..my heart will stop ..my hands are shaking and sweating... i hate myself when that happens.. i feel worthless.. am not a good mom i think.. sometimes i feel am uninvolved with my kids..as if am a guest or a stranger.. am not making any sense i think

[geoff]

hello MBIC, it doesn't matter whether you change towns, states or countries if you have depression/anxiety it's not going to just get up and leave you, although temporarily it may, but it will return sooner rather than later.
I'm sorry that you are employed in a call centre, certainly not a workplace where you would feel at ease, but perhaps you are taking the pain from your work back home with you every day and that's why you feel as though you believe you aren't a good mum, however as you first stated that you said your have 2 beautiful boys and a good husband then that's how they must repect you.
You would be entitled to take some time off work so that you can get the help you need, and I believe your employer should be paying for the counseling session, but that is something you will need to find out, but you will have to go and see your doctor for a certificate, so that this can then happen.
What you are saying 'that you're worthless' is the illness telling you this, please don't tell yourself this because your sons and your husband love you, just as you know you love them.
Please hope you can get back to us. Geoff. x

[Doolhof]

Hi MBIAC,

Welcome to the forum and the community here. I am so sorry to read your story, it certainly sounds like you are struggling with mental health issues. Is it possible for you to contact a Dr and to have a chat about how you are feeling. If you don't think you can open up to a Dr then write down how you are feeling and hand the paper to your Dr.

Have you told your husband how you are feeling? You mentioned he is a loving man, he may be able to find ways to help you as well.

It must be difficult working on the phone lines, you need to tell yourself that every knock back is not aimed at you personally, but at the place that makes you call those people.

Do you have hobbies and interests you can do while you are at home?

Is it possible to take your children to the park or the beach, go somewhere where they can run around and you can share in their happiness. Depends on the age of your children I guess.

Looking up information on Google can actually make you feel worse at times. Next time look up ways to beat anxiety and stress and try some of the suggestions.

Can you think of something that has recently made you feel happy? It doesn't have to be anything huge, just a feeling of happiness. For me it was when the cat came home yesterday. We never let the cat out and she ran through the front door and took off. I was very happy when she came home.

Hope you have an okay kind of a day. Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[MyBodyIsACage]

Thanks Geoff...can you believe that i was the one who worked for more than 10 years in HR and employee counseling is the one who writes this now! Yeah i used to be that person who absorbs all the people dramas and rind solutions and get the praise and the prayers... now i just feel invisible.. my self esteem is like zero like I want to hide all the time.. to be honest that os not a new feeling.. it comes and go.. before this stage, there were days that i used to feel the most self confident strong woman ..other days i completely feel the opposite.. my husband is a loving man but he does pay so much attentions to details.. i think he thinks am more stronger to be depressed .. Will try to be alright and overcome my struggle.. thanks again..i appreciate it