Husband has ptsd and anxiety and I don't know what to do

CalicoSparrow · ‎09-09-2018

I'm scared for my husband.

He has been diagnosed with anxiety and ptsd. He is on meds for the anxiety but his ptsd has been triggered pretty badly over the last couple of years due to a bad workplace that he has now left and the death of pets which relates to the initial cause of his ptsd.

Last time he saw the doctor he sees for mental health they diagnosed the ptsd. The dr referred him on to a psychiatrist that he never wound up seeing. The story as to why has expanded and seems to have changed over time.

I see a psychologist as I suffer anxiety myself.

I was worried as his drinking had greatly increased over time and his behaviour had changed. He was snapping at me in a way that felt nasty and having panic attacks more often.

I discussed my options with my therapist as my anxiety was spiking badly in response and one of the options was relationship therapy(RT). I had started avoiding talking to him about things that were important to me as I knew it would upset him.

I talked to my husband about it which blindsided him as he thought everything was perfect and we were both perfectly happy.

We discussed our options and talked about things we could do to work together on this. Even though things were perfect he had things that he had issues with me about that we could work on.

Because if that I agreed to let the RT go for a bit.

Forward to about 2-3 months later and out of nowhere he starts talking about it and how it has shattered his confidence. He starts blaming my therapist again for me asking for us to see someone culminating in him angrily calling her a vicious person.

He kept pushing me to tell him exactly what I told her that led to the decision. Blaming her and insisting that people only go to RT if there is abuse. I tried to argue back that it's not true but he argued that he knows better from his work.

He started going off about how it was a message from my therapist to him and pushed me really hard to take a message back from him to her.

He also said that I must have said some really negative things about him to her and that he would never say negative things about me to someone else as that would be disloyal.

When I questioned if that made me disloyal he insisted no it didn't and that I could talk to my therapist about him in the future but if I did he wanted me to tell him what I said after.

I now feel I can't talk to anyone about him as I feel like I have to go home and tell him after.

I could honestly go on for another 2500 chars.

Croix · ‎09-09-2018

Dear CalicoSparrow~

Welcome here to the Forum. Like very many I've found that my PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression have needed therapy and meds to improve, in fact without those I would simply have got worse.

From the sound of it your husband is not improving either. Failing to get the treatment he needs, plus resorting to alcohol, having panic attacks and experiencing anger. Now in effect he is controlling you to the extent where you cannot fully obtain treatment for your illness - all this points to a deteriorating situation. One he may not fully realize.

I guess it may be a case you need boundaries to protect your own well-being. With an ongoing anxiety condition and a husband who is to say the least difficult you really do need medical support. Also personal support too if it is available, family or friends?

Looking after someone wiht PTSD is very hard, and worrying and confusing. It gave my partner a great deal of grief. To do this I guess you have to be in the best state possible, so maybe your first priority ought to by your own health, welfare and treatment.

I'll mention one thing in passing, there is a great temptation to blame oneself and put the situation down at least in part to one's own failings. My partner did this initially. It's a trap. If you care for you partner and try then you are doing all you can.

I don't know how practical this is but ideally either you, or someone he will listen to, should attempt to persuade your partner to get the medical help that was offered, not just turning up for an appointment, but trying to make any treatment work. As I said I could not improve without this.

I do hope you return and talk some more

Croix

CalicoSparrow · ‎10-09-2018

Thank you Croix

It was reassuring to read your reply.

I recently expressed concern to my husband about the drinking and he immediately quit. I never asked him to go to that extreme I just wanted him to be aware of it.

Until that point he was always asking me for permission to drink and I will admit it made it increasingly difficult for me as I was expected to set the limits when due to chronic illness I recently had to stop drinking myself.

I think he is in the eye of the storm and can't see that he has deteriorated. After the conversation about talking to my therapist he seems happier but it feels like that is because he feels he's minimized the chance of anyone finding out things aren't perfect.

I do have support mainly from friends who have supported me through both my anxiety and my chronic illness. They are great and keep telling me not to feel bad or blame myself.

I am considering reaching out to a friend of ours. He is the person who has managed to get my husband to the gp he sees when he had a mental health crisis the last two times.

I feel bad for leaning on our friend so hard but I'm hoping he'll be able to help me get my husband to actually see the psychiatrist this time.

Even though I know I'll have to I'm scared that my husband will get angry that I have ignored what he said and by talking to someone it will make everything much worse.

I never fear for my safety but I'm more scared for his. The way he's responded on a couple of topics has an element of anger to it that is unlike any his previous behaviour and we've been together over 10 years.

Again thank you for responding. I can't Express how much I appreciate and needed it.

Cali

Croix · ‎10-09-2018

Dear Cali~

Looking back at my own experiences I think getting the correct medical support -in my case a psychiatrist, was incredibly important. If it means you lean on your friend I'm sure it would be a wise move. Plus of course most friends do wish to help, that is what friendship is after all.

I'm sure that you would have some ways of blunting his anger, I found that having it explained to me how bad a condition I was in and that there was improvement out there for the asking - so to speak - always made me pause and become more cooperative. I really did not enjoy how I felt.

I'm very glad you have some support, trying to cope with all this is extremity hard and very stressful. It is easy to lose perspective.

Croix