How to move from sadness to triumph?

ggrrrpphephe · ‎06-07-2018

Hi, please call me Duracell. Apparently i appear really enthusiastic and smart in front of everybody. However, people are actually jealous of me and i have been ostracized since the primaries...not to mention the fact that i am of mixed race...it doesn't matter where i go, i feel comfortable with people but can't fit into any category and people prejudge me according to their thinking of "me"..what race i look to them.

I am sad because despite all the gifts i have for humanity ( i don't have an inflated ego, by the way) Gifts such as understanding and compassion ..time and time again, people just use me because i am nice...Nobody really cares, not even my overprotective father, who actually only cares about money..

i should be happy..my mother lost her mother when she was 4? And her father never really looked after her...She is a lone child..All her life she has to struggle...struggle to get love..i love my mother...but even when she was around, i guess i did not treat her right (yes, just because she was too nice)

so is there any justice or am i just receiving my karma?

smallwolf · ‎07-07-2018

aggrrrpphephe,

Hi and welcome to beyond blue.

Space will not allow to reply to the race issue you raised in your posts. But I can that would be barrier. On the prejudging you refer to however, is that something you observe by their actions or speech? Or what you think they think? The inner critic speaking to you inside your head? Speaking to you because of past experiences?

Also, if you don't mind my asking, are you at school? Or working now? Just so that I work out how to best reply later if needed.

I think that parents try to provide to their children what they think they lacked? My father never knew his father. A baby. A father, a soldier in WW2. My father could be said to be loving, be there, protective, etc. Too nice? End result... I get on with my mother better than father. Just the way things are. I give my children a little more freedom than I got.

I let go of money a while ago. No amount of money can create/buy happiness. Material things are only temporary. Providing I can pay my bills etc. the rest will work itself out. Or so I tell myself.

Are you a people-pleaser? You said that you feel used by people because you are nice. Trying to do everything for everyone? Maybe you need to create some time for yourself? Is there anyone that you can talk to about your inner most thoughts? Family?

Being on medical leave from work, has given me time to reflect, and talk to others including family. Some of these have been difficult. Trying to articulate what I want to say without putting the other person(s) offside, or making them upset. But as hard as these conversations can be, and in my case, has a few benefits... a weight is lifted from my shoulders, and our relationships have deepened.

So it is not karma. But this might be a time of reflection for you? To work out why are constantly sad? And then finding ways to move forward. To release the hurt. (This is the stuff that I am presently talking about with my psychologist.) Building or rebuilding relationships?

You do not have to answer any or all of the questions here. Just raising things to think about. If you want to answer them or ask other questions, please do. This is your space, and a place where you will not be judged. Rather you will be supported by the people in this space and online community.

Hope you have a good weekend.

Tim

ggrrrpphephe · ‎23-07-2018

Hi Smallwolf,

Thank you for your reply. u r probably right about the inner critic who speaks to me because of past experiences. To look at things with fresh eyes everytime...is a skill, i suppose...thank you! That is food for thought...a skill worth cultivating i am sure:)

As to your question how i know others prejudge me and whether i am a person pleaser..yikes..i supppose i am looking for affirmation from others ...but don't we all and don't we all get hurt when we don't get it?? Perhaps again u r right...no we don't all do that and for those that don't...good for them, i guess,but i am sure they will have other issues to deal with:)

so...i guess...knowing what makes us grow is important? All my life i have been learning how to deal with challenges BUT perhaps now i am asked to look for what makes me grow..as opposed to presuming challenges everywhere...or better still...simply learn to NOT assume challenges or make them bigger than they are.

in responding to u, i am making sense to myself..

i'm tired..but i do hope your listening ear will help me grow:)

Thanks!

PamelaR · ‎24-07-2018

Hello ggrrrpphephe

Tim has given you a very warm welcome and some excellent ideas. I have very little to add.

I think listening ears do help people. The forums are a really good place for people to talk and to listen.

One thing I noted from your first post is, you say you are from a mixed race. For me, we're all the one 'race' though come from different cultures. I too come from a mix of cultures. This caused difficulties for both my parents and subsequently all their children. The 50s in Australia was not a good place to be when you looked Asian. 'Reds under the beds', 'Yellow Peril'.

Like you, I too don't fit into any category. I frequently have asked myself in the past 'where do I belong'. I'm neither one culture or another. Well, I've come to terms with this. I am who I am. While I don't quite fit in many places, I find this is more from my own 'thinking' of myself, rather than there being any actuality that people are ostracising me. It's hard moving out of that space and place. But I have.

I like the idea of growing vs challenges. The concept of growing is really good. How do we grow? Don't know about you, I like to listen to what others have to say. Especially my psychologist. He's given me great tools to help me grow. Now the hard work is up to me - to use the tools and to see myself grow. A bit like watering a plant?? Nourish it and it thrives.

Being nice is good. The trick is to not let people use you. Because of my own trust issues, this doesn't happen to me. I've inbuilt survival alert bells.

So we can help you a little more, did you want to tell more of your story? No pressure to do so. Just if you want too.

Kind regards

PamelaR

ggrrrpphephe · ‎24-07-2018

Hi Pamela,

Sorry but whilst i know you are trying to counsel me, you are not really listening when you deny the fact that i was ostracized...it was not something i made up in my head:) Secondly, i was never unhappy in my skin and uniqueness, it truly is how others see me...and it is ONLY when i realise they have been seeing me in a certain way that i get shocked and hurt. Please don't deny that racism is a thing in the head...it exist:)

PamelaR · ‎24-07-2018

Hello Ggrrrpphephe

Sorry to have upset you. That wasn't my intent, nor was I trying to counsel you. I'm not a health professional. I only shared my experiences with you.

While I believe there is only one race, this does not mean I do not believe there is racism. I very much believe it is alive an well. Also I am sorry if you thought that I meant you were not ostracised, I hadn't meant that at all.

If you want to talk more, feel free to do so. No pressure if you don't want to.

ggrrrpphephe · ‎24-07-2018

no worries:) As you can see from my smiley i wasn't hurt by your remarks BUT i had to make it clear, if not for myself, for others who have experienced racism...it is important to not deny it

PamelaR · ‎24-07-2018

Thanks Ggrrrpphephe

Words on a page are interesting things. I saw the smiley faces, though I also saw the words IN CAPITALS. For me, there was a contradiction. The capitals mean you were shouting at me.

Anyway, in terms of 'racism' - I have been affected by it too. From my extended family mostly which hurt the most I think. Dad was so ostracised. I felt for him so much. We kids were treated pretty much the same way. I'm extremely sensitive to non verbals - people who avert their eyes, sneer, or worst still ignore you. However, I've spent a lot of time over the years dealing with the stories I tell myself that are not always true too. To undo all these, to learn to talk and to clarify.

I'm sure this does little to help you in your feelings of being ostracised. Just wanted you to know, that I've never denied their is racism, just deny there is more than one race.

ggrrrpphephe · ‎27-07-2018

Thank you for your tipoff on the use of capital...i will be more wary in using them in the future.

ggrrrpphephe · ‎17-12-2020

Hi Pamela,

Today is Dec 2020 and I am re-reading the posts and replies you sent me in July 2018.

I now see your posts in a different light. I can see how you were truly trying to help and I had been too harsh in my responses, even as they were polite.

I like your sharing about challenges versus growth and how listening to psychologists or people who care, like you did, can help me navigate the pain I cause myself and start growing instead.

I hope this post see you well. It's Christmas - a time that can be very stressful for a lot of people. A time when I mostly really want to be left alone. But that I realise is just my instinctual, initial feelings because I am still in pain somewhat. I also realise when we stop externalising our pain, that it comes from something else, somebody else, we can become calm and regain happiness.

All ze the very best to you, kind soul,

and Merry Christmas to you 🙂