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How to deal with my husbands porn addiction

Anonymous_mum
Community Member

I don’t really know how to write this, I am so lost.
I wouldn’t normally reach out to strangers but I can’t talk to family or friends due to wanting to protect my husband and how people might view him and also embarrassment. I thought we were wonderful.

We have been together for 6 years and we fell head over heals for each other and never fell apart until just after Our first little bub was born nearly two years ago I found out about 7 months after her birth that my husband had a porn addiction and had one from the start of our relationship. I was heart broken, he said it would stop then a month later I found out it was continuing. We have slowly been getting through it and working on my trust but now, 3 months after my second bub is born, I found out he never stopped.

i feel like he has taken everything away from me, my memories of him, enjoying being a mother and a family.

I am breaking, please.

4 Replies 4

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Dear Anonymous Mum

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums we are so glad that you have made you way here and had the bravery to post. We want you to know that this is a safe space to discuss your thoughts, feelings and experiences and receive honest responses and suggestions from fellow forum users.
 
We are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
We’re sure we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.

Regards 

Sophie M
 
 

Mark Z.
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Anonymous mum,

Welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry for your challenge, it's really frustrating.

But I think the first thing is to gain some knowledge to correctly understand porn addiction. I'm not a professional but to my understanding “porn addiction” isn’t an official mental health diagnosis, and there might be some other causes behind, e.g. anxiety, depression.

So I agree with Sophie that you can have a chat with BeyondBlue hotline, the professional will help you have a better and correct understanding, and also give you some advice how to deal with it.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Anonymous mum~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here. I'm glad you have met her already as she does give good advice.

I can see that this has -not surprisingly - had an earth-shattering effect on you. To find that the one you have been closest to has a porn addition is more than a shock. It can seem to be a judgment on you - which it is not - and makes you come to realise that you did not know the whole of the person you married - even though you thought you did

Porn is a very hard thing to talk about and I quite understand why you have not sought the support of friends or relatives - though you do need support badly. Trying to deal with this by yourself is very hard

I guess the worst thing may be the lies. To trust someone complexly then find they have been lying leaves one at a loss and sometimes almost worthless. There seems no path to how you felt before

Maybe a couple of things might be worth bearing in mind. It is an addiction. He started before you were together, which means first it is not a reflection on you, and secondly, like many addictions, the reason may well be in the past with this addiction a reaction to it

I do not get the impression you are wanting him to leave at the moment - maybe you don't know. Please tell me if I'm wrong.

Perhaps it might help if you were able to regard his addiction like any other, such as alcohol (I realise that is a big jump). For any person who is addicted to try by themselves and successfully stop is exceptional. It can be a long process and really does need both a willingness on the part of the addict to get better, and skilled professional help

It also takes encouragement at wins along the way - a very hard thing to think of doing

I said a moment ago you need support -this is probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to face, and for that I would suggest you see your GP wiht a view to counseling by somebody experienced in the field

While I would not like you to think for one moment I'm condoning what he has done I will point out that people are a mixed bag. Some of those good memories are genuine I'm sure. You are still the mum of two beautiful children and give them the love they very much need, and you will not break - you are stronger than you might realise. Just coming here shows that.

Getting him willingly in treatment and having him being open about his treatment, successes -and failures - would I think be the first aim.

Sorry to be so blunt.

I hope we talk some more

Croix

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Anonymous mum, I am very sorry you have to cope with this particular situation, because with most addictions the person has to decide they want to stop as well as getting the appropriate therapy.

When two people fall 'head over heels' for each other is lovely, but to then discover they have a hidden addiction is heartbreaking.

One way you try and stop this is by having a paid software internet security, although this isn't full proof as it blocks unwanted web sites, it can be turned off so it's not the ultimate solution but may help, although this shouldn't have to been it may help.

It, however, doesn't stop him from using other mobiles. internets or ipads from being used, but this lack of trust needs to be addressed by your husband who has two children.

Porn addiction is only a temporary issue, but it's nothing like having the love of his wife and kids who will be with him for a long time.

He needs to understand that this is not healthy for your children growing up and then realise that he must stop this addiction for these reasons.

Please get back to us to continue.

Best wishes.

Geoff.